Sunday, July 31, 2005

Honey Beef

I just learned (saw how it's done), lemme share ;)


Make sure oil is hot enough.

Make sure you pat your beef dry to avoid screaming (you, not the beef :P) before you drop them into the hot oil.

Fry them for a while.

Boil your favorite vege (onion, carrot, broccoli, stringbean, snowpea...whatever you desire) to your desired softness (how you like it, hard or soft? ehem... :P).

Remove beef from frying and dump them in the boiling water along with the vege (aiyaa, you can have another pot of boiling water for the beef lah, but who wants to wash so many pots and pans anyway :P).

Make sure you heat up your (clean one, huh. duh) cooking pan/wok before dumping those vege and beef in.

Pour some cooking sherry in.

Try avoiding stuff 'escaping' your pan while you stir :P.

Pour some honey-mix-with-water-and-hoisin-sauce in (you can save some honey for other use(s)...imagine where and how you are gonna enjoy the honey :P).

Add a little bit of corn starch-mix-with-water (don't have? never mind, skip it).

Add a little bit of oil.

Stir and savour the aroma.

Add some salt if needed.

Try not to burn your food.

Dump your food in a nice plate - decorate if needed (the food, the dining table, you, the living room, the bedroom... eh, off topic :P).

Enjoy the honey, the beef, the rice (you know how to cook rice, huh?), the softness of the vege, the you, the her/him...

Mmmm...yummy ;P

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Not me Not well...

L got a surgery yesterday - 3 wisdom teeth removed. Err...thinking about it makes my knees weakened. Yeah, thinking of going to the dentist terrifies me! I can't imaigne that... Eww... Well, somehow I (really) admire L's courage and tolerence of all the pain.

Glad to know her mum's staying home (working) and talking care of her. I was worried (still am...). If I could, I'd like to be by her side and take care (making sure ice packs are changed, cooking porridge and grass jelly, tucking her in...etc) of her... *sigh* Yeah, I'd do that to my gf (with or without 'space in between'). I remember the warmth and love and care shown to me by my dormmates and roommates when I was sick (upm's dorm). Their actions made me cry (so touching...). So, I just want to share those feelings. It's great if everyone has compassion, don't you think so? ;)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My first time...

Had my first experience driing on the other side of the road yesterday, ALONE! ;P I left his car for me - while he (and others) went to NYC. At first (then they told me I'd have the car to myself) I was kinda nervous. Hehe... Since I haven't been driving for a year. But then, the nervousness turned into rejoice (state). He has a '00 Chevy Cavalier, nice (black) car. As soon as I got in the car, I blasted the radio (to R & B and Hip Hip station, of course!) ;P Woohoo! Groovy... Hehe.

Stopped by White Marsh - Walmart, Superfresh before home. Damn hot yesterday, like around 100 degree! Went home, checked mailbox - my package's not here yet :( Ahhh...this was yesterday, but today, I got the package! ;)

Picked up A, dancing in my seat to the radio, told A it's my first time driving alone here (she looked kinda panic/alarmed, slightly..., looked at me weirdly - at my head-bobbing at 'just a lil bit' ;P). Went to Panda for dinner (thought of giving those folks a surprise, hehe). Shared a (big portion) of shrimp chowfun. Chatted...joked about going to visit L after dinner ;P Yea right...but that wouldn't be nice to put so much miles (although he said it's fine to run my errands with the car :P). Thought of going to harbor, makan angin. Hehe...but didn't :P. Went to liquor store, bought a bottle of chardonnay - must celebrate, okay! ;P

Got home, had great time watching 'the L word'...Ooo... so that's how lesbian couple make baby... ;) Wahhhh...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

the L word

Saw the pilot episode of 'the L word' last night. Fyi, it's a lesbian drama series. Love at first sight ;P (me lah). Oh my, Bette is so sexy and smart and pretty and EXOTIC! I love her style :). her (sex) scene with Tina is killing me! Wow...What a 'bad' drama series ;P

I heard (in that) someone said there's study that says you're a lesbian if your ring finger is longer than your index finger. If they're same length, you're a bisexual. Ehem...Ladies, check your fingers. And so now you know another pick-up line! ;) Haha.

You might wonder if I had 'some' yesterday (did you read the juicy poem?). ;P Hehe... Well, it's amazing how 'those' stuff does to your (I mean my) body. All I can say is I really enjoyed 'it', the L word and nice (and long...something I miss terribly) phone chat with L. Ah however, (I have an idea) I think the next time she speaks Spanish to me, I'll answer in Malay/Chinese. Something to add to the alienation (and exoticism)...For the fun of it ;P like experiencing different tongue(s). in language, ok? You are bad... ;)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Last night

A relaxing and enjoyable moment after a hard long day at work
What a pleasure
So sweet
So juicy

Soft and hard
Running my tongue all over you
Inner and outer
Teasing and licking
Sucking and biting
Feeling you with my lip and tongue
What a satisfaction
Tasting and savouring
your juices
All over my mouth
my fingers
Licking your juice off my lip
and fingers

Could never get enough of you
Oooh, how sexy and sweet
Admiring the pink flesh
red flesh
Getting me excited
savouring you

Gonna have you again
Be nice and fresh
Wait for me...

Oh yeah, I got some last night. At least one of you know it (of what I'm describing)... ;P haha! Anyway, I cuddled and slept. Had a dream...a romantic (prhaps a wild) one. I remember waking up a few times to thunderous (it might have been a very loud sigh/moan, haha) sound. Woke up feeling wet :P Got outside (have to drag myself off the bed - work lah), realized it rained. Oh yeah, wet outside, wet inside. Great... :P

Sunday, July 24, 2005

yahoo! what's wrong with me?

Don't know why so horny these days...(not unusual, hehe). wonder if melancholy and high libido go together. Anyway, studies prove (correct me if I'm wrong, read it years ago - being an avid magazines reader) that horniness makes you feel pretty, sexy, perky, glowy and WANT TO GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE. Also, hormones (endorphin, estrogen, progesterone?) would be released/dispersed... Oh yeah, I just heard that one of my best friends masturbated the other day (after I gave up encouraging sometime ago coz she would say no), for the first time in her entire life (she's older than me!). Yuhuuuuu! You go, girl! ;)

Back to my point. Hmmm...hormones - perhaps this explains why M behaved crudely around us. I was the only lady around. He (shamelessly) made the sex sound (you know, moaning and hard breathing) and thinking and talking about (butt) sex. Haha! Did I turned on by that (not butt sex but the sound)? No. However, I the sound of C's (our SM) breathing and chuckling over the headset during Ragtime production. Why, huh. A gentler voice...perhaps :)

So, I was busy doing something (ehem) before Ragtime, and I was running late so I didn't make-up and dress up nicely ;P. Just a black T Shirt and pants because I feel fat (bloated). Skipped dinner (due to I was fat that day and no time to fix and eat :P). When I got to Stephens Hall (where Ragtime at), H told me it's C's birthday, and they (I supposed the people in the production) might go out and celebrate with her after the show. Damn! I should have have a better presentation (appearance)! Well, I almost missed that party coz I 'lost' my ride. But on the way walkking back to my place, I saw the Jokesters (S and M - theatre makeup professors at TU) and I got a ride with them.'s at Owl Bar, at Belvedere Hotel, in Baltimore. I haven't been there before...

Got to the bar, cool... Love it :) Not too noisy (music), alot of people tchatting...drinking...nobody dancing...not very smoky. Oh yeah, lotsa pretty people to see ;) I was kinda taken aback to see no (ragtime) cast members there! There's only S (the ASM). And then, of course there's J, C's gf. What a lovely couple...both so pretty and smart :) We chatted, drank, sang bday song and eat her cake (ehem, the cake her grandma sent, it's a rum cake - yummy!!!).

Got home, made myself a vodka lime...blogged (I typed that long poem while feeling tipsy, while listening to some nude music, ehem...). Sang and recorded 'Dream a Little Dream'. Thought of MMS-ing it but couldn't - exceeding premitted kilobytes. Damn! So that recording still stays in my cellphone. Sounded so sexy (deep and hoarse voice). hahaha! And then what did I do...go straight to bed, I think ;P

Thought of going out to the mall and buy that cable (to transfer those big files from my phone to PC) and go buy some ginger (important ingredient for Chinese cuisine :P). But I didn't, spent too much time errr...doing something :P and then CY was online, bitching about the meeting she just had and expressing her 'deep' views on Buddhism. Bla bla bla. I checked my mailbox, shit! My lesbian books weren't there yet. So, I took time to shower and dressed up and put on some make-up :) looking fabulous in my leather-looking Levi's pants and half turtle neck black top. ;) Even C took another look at me before she entered the control booth! haha!

I could go to the cast party with everybody at Bateman's (restaurant/pub on campus). I could go to I's keg party. But I didn't... I called W and suggested that we go to Owl Bar together (he's never been there before and wanted to check it out). Check the gals out, u know. But I knew we would never get lucky because we would be looking like a couple! :P I had Long Island Tea. Gosh, didn't know it's gonna be sucha big glass and strong! Didn't taste like the one they make back home. By the time I finished the drink, I felt drunk already...but still could make it to the car. During the ride home, I fell asleep (luckily W didn't take me elsewhere, haha!). Back up a little bit...I was drinking out of frustration (of being treated like I was talking to a wall...of being rejected by stepping on certain boundary...of realizing how things will never be the same again). Before I got out the car, W (being sucha gentleman) gave me a hug and told me to feel better. What a friend :) (that always wanna get in the shower with me...but NEVER! :P) I got into my apartment, ran straight to the bathroom and threw up! Gee, the last time I threw up after drinking was...ermmm...3 years ago. Only 1 glass of Long Island Tea!!! And people say I'm an alcoholic, come on...if I am, I wouldn't throw up after just 1 drink!!! Felt terrible. But I'm healing...

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Back to Before

There was a time

Our happiness seemed neverending

I was so sure

The where we were heading was right.

Life was a road

So certain and straight and unbending

Our little road

With never a crossroad in sight.

Back in the days

When we sopke in civilized voices

Women in white

And sturdy young men at the oar.

Back in the days

When I let you make all my choices

We can never go back to before.

There was a time

My feet were so solidly planted

You'd sail away

While I turned my back to the sea.

I was content

A princess asleep and enchanted

If I had dreams

Then I let you dream them for me.

Back in the days

When everything seemed so much clearer

Women in white

Who knew what their lives held in store.

Where are they now

Those women who stared from the mirror?

We can never go back to before.

There are people out there

Unafraid of revealing

That they might have a feeling

Or they might have been wrong.

There are people out there

Unafraid to feel sorrow

Unafraid of tomorrow

Unafraid to be weak

Unafraid to be strong!

There was a time

When you were the person in motion

I was your wife

It never occurred to want more.

You were my sky

My moon and my stars and my ocean

We can never go back to before

We can never go back to before.

- Ragtime (the musical)

Travelling to 'adventurous' camp

SP's current location is at Forest Hill. That's about 45 mins from Towson and 10 mins away from Pennsylvania! Every morning carpooling with I and M. Two 'crazy' but talented guys in our theatre department.

There are 23 kids (only!) in Session 3. I'm the counselor for the middle group again. 9 of them - 5 boys, 4 gals. Amazing, male outnumbers female (in theatre). Well, since it's just that many kids, chilling out ;P. Basically just hanging out with 'half blood prince' in classes, know, whenever possible to read ;P. Occasionally taking my gaze off the book and look what's happening ;). You know, that potter book is not mine. It belongs to one of the kids and I only get to read it during the camp. Started on Monday, and finished the entire book on Friday! love my job, don't you ;P

On Monday til Thursday, we rode in I's car. It's a Chevy (sedan...forgot which model). On Friday, gosh...M drove, his jeep...hood down. I was sitting at the back, carefully balancing my Starbucks, hair all gone wild (I wished I had my once-ago-short hair) and tangled. Like riding those thing in themepark. If I didn't buckle up, I would have flung out off the jeep :P Exciting, huh! I didn't enjoy getting my hair all messed up but I really enjoyed the ride - especially when we get into the woods, by the countryside (kinda like). I could almost touched the trees. I could smell the nature, the greens, the water... Made me homesick (a little). With the pretty sight and smell and (deafening) sound, creative ideas popped into my mind for my upcoming performance project. I felt a surge of inspiration, hope, determination and courage. I thought of the talk I had with B the other night. I thought of my house back home and determine to help with the mortgage as soon as possible.

It's amazing...when you really appreciate/love/enjoy something, a door unlocks itself. You feel the immense power of being in-control. And you view things from another point of view.

Take a ride (with me)

A journey

Theatre is life is theatre

Who am I

Exploration and discovery

not an easy feat

Know yourself

Know myself

The drama of life

Who would comprehend

the darkest and brightest moments

the colorful moments

vivid memories

A mold to who I am today

Accept or deny

is another question

Embrace and ignore

differences that exist between individuals

Astonished at my courage

my boldness

my self-control

my letting-go

my discovery

Is it a dream or reality

Moments spent on grasping

Moments spent on enjoying

Live moment by moment

Should we

Can you see the journey

Can you see the destination

Is it worth it

Time goes by

Dream goes by

How can you let it slip

How did you get to be here

What was the moment

Waking up

looking forward to someone

What a cheerful day

what a way to start your day

Did you ever look back

How did you get to be here


to soothe

to slash

to console

to hurt

I'm sorry

Forgive me for the words said

forgive me for the words typed

forgive me for the words chosen

It's never ending

Things will never be the same again

Everything leads to you

a faint smell

a memory

your favourites

a color

an eye

a movement

a melody

a movement

Don't ask why

I'm questioning myself as well

How did we get to be here

Take a ride with me

take a detour with me

It hurts so deeply

No words to describe

the pain

the longing

the hope

Will there be a crossroad

Back in the days

where there were wonderful moments

We will never go back to before

there was a time

you were my sky

my earth

things will never be the same again

will it be?


You were once a friend

then a gf

now a gf with a space in between

so distant

so complex

unfathomable relativity theory

Stuff they didn't teach in school

Stuff they didn't touch upon at home

How am I to understand

All left are feeling and conscience

Can you accept it

It started out like a song

there's melody

there's harmony

with major and minor influences

it's like nothing went wrong


and while it's going along

we took for granted

things going


How do you connect two dots in space

a line

hundreds or perhaps thousands of dots

along the way

straight line

crooked line

points in between

before it reaches its destination

good things going between

happens for a reason

why should one grief

why should one feel hopeful

why should one feel remorseful

why should one feel a thousand emotions

What a journey

are you ready to take the ride (with me)?

Friday, July 22, 2005

dream a little dream of me...

Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"

Birds singin' in the sycamore trees

Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

While i'm alone and blue as can be

Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but i linger on dear

Still craving your kiss

I'm longin' to linger till dawn dear

Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining up above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"

Birds singin' in the sycamore trees

Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me

Yes, dream a little dream of me

for the soul and understanding

I forgot to mention, I bought 3 L books from Amazon on Sunday night! Cheaper than buying from the bookstore :P

1) My Lover, My Friend : True-life Stories of Lesbian Romance Between Friends - Lindsey Elder

2) Best Lesbian Love Stories 2005 (Best Lesbian Love Stories) - Angela Brown

3) Wet : True Lesbian Sex Stories - Nicole Foster

Wow...never knew I'd be so interested (and excited and passionate) in this area/subject ;P. It's almost like a whole new world...a new fantastic (and intriguing and beautiful) point of view...

Eh, I'm not trying to break into that song. But yeah, she 'sang' (showed, introduced) the song to me... And now I'm 'flying' on the carpet, alone...blazing the unknown(s)...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Where theatre exercise could bring you...

I was lying down on the floor with 50+ kids after lunch - relaxing theatre exercise. I didn't have to do it as a counselor, but I was too tired. So I took that chance to shut my eyes...lying on my back.

M was ocnducting. 'close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth'...'now, I want you to think of the place you most want to be...think of how it'd look like, taste like, feel like, sound like, smell like'...

After that exercise, one of my queens asked what my place was. I didn't know how to tell her, I didn't tell her...chose not to :)

Place I'd love to be - my place with L. (aiyoo...) Yeah, I remember the sight, sound, smell, taste and touch... A lovely place to be where it's only both of us in that world...


Monday, July 18, 2005

Eventful Sunday

Went out with W after 'ragtime', to downtown. He was late, played online poker! Incorrigible! Went to Inner Harbor. Oh, how I missed the water, the sea! I was asking him if he already knew that I wanted to jump off and kill myself (after what had happened) ;P. He said yes and would even help me (suicide)! Haha!

It's hot and humid, not sunny. But I enjoyed the outing...seeing people (ehem...checking out). Had dinner overlooking the nice! I was so hoping it's with L instead... :( I felt kinda hurt/miserable for a while, thinking of July 4 - L was here enjoying herself (I doubt she's 'killing' herself) with her friends WITHOUT even calling me. That's just...very mean...and hurting (to know that I'm...I wasn't as important and significant as she's to me). I tossed her out to the sea... I'm not being mean, it's just the feelings...

I'd be happy to embrace the waves when it rolls back at me... I'd be glad to be swept away by the waves again... *chuckles*

Went to ESPN and Barnes and Nobles. We're there at the bookstore til they chased us out. Haha! I spent some time at physics, sexual health (ehem, I don't have anything...any problem, okay? Was just checking out a sophisticatedly illustrated Kama Sutra), theatre arts and gay and lesbian sections. Oooh yeah, I was actually looking for the latter section ;P, and when I've finally found it, I was (almost) leaping with joy. Haha! Spent most time there, pouring over L books...getting excited (oohing and ahhing in that deserted row :P) reading steamy stuff but horrified at those butch and femme stff. Ewww... :P

On the way back to the car, we stopped by and watched a youth steel orchestra playing by the water, in front of Discovery Center. That drumset lady was incredible! They used lots of steel drums (tuned steel drums). That's it! Great music, great jamming :). They're 'killing me softly with their songs'.

I hope I could be with 'that' someone the next time I'm looking at Baltimore City over the water. Well...NYC would be great too! Haha ;)

(un)Eventful Saturday

Thought of that...been looking forward for that since morning(s) but by the time I finally got to the place, I was too tired for that. Argh, am I getting that old that I'm just drained out? Nooooooo... Hmmm, perhaps it's food, and/or the summer heat :P

I experence my first blackout since I came here. Happened at noon, when I was working at Panda. Rain pouring heavily, lightning and thunder...then the electricity went off. It felt like 'war of the worlds' (if you've seen the movie). So weird... K calld me, told me this place was still outta electricity since 1pm and asked if we could hangout, at my place. It was his birthday 2 days ago. Oppsss... :P And so, although I was tired, I welcomed him to chill out with me. Had some beers, bla bla bla.

By the time my head touched the pillow, I was fast asleep... Glad my call time on Sunday was 1.30pm ;)

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Golden Silver Penny

Well, session 2 of Silver Penny Theatre Camp has just ended. Oh boy, time flies when one's busy! I shall never forget being as part of the SP team, working and guiding and controlling and having fun (with) the kids.

Session 1 - I was (the counselor) in charge of the 10-11 yrs old kids. The middle kids. We have 8-9 yrs old, middle and 12-14 yrs old. My group named themselves '9-3 Hyper Nobodies'. 9 girls, 3 boys. Damn hyper, half of them drink coffee! You can imagine :P And they're kinda outta control. Gosh, I don't know since when I've turned into a 'kid-loving'-person. Haha! I used to have no patience with kids. Had never taken the initiative to really talk and reason with one. I guess I thought myself as being one of them :P and furthermore, I grew up being a lone child (you could say so...). Kids are annoying - haha..I used to think (100%) so :P. I was bad...

Anyway, ever since K entered my life 7 years ago, my perspective toward baby/kid has changed. He's not just the joy and hope of my guardians but his presence somehow has brought positive influences - my tolerence and love toward kid(s) to another level. Wonderful, isn't it? ;)

Back to the camp...they're sucha handful and wild. Two of them were from a children's shelter home and they're kinda difficult to handle. You know, sometimes they came in feeling so moody/exhausting/sleepy. Urgh! I did one-on-one dialogue with them and it worked ;). Phew! Others (the gals) were loud and talkative. You know how high pitch (vocal) sound they produce... Ah, not to mention so much running around, playing chasing. Gosh, gave me headache! :P

Although the Nobodies were outta ocntrol but when I saw their rehearsed pieces, I felt so touched, 'swelled' and amazed. My eyes were glistening with tears... Ahhh...the impact, power and magic of theatre ;) It almost seemed like seeing my own kids performing!

'Yesterday is gone
See the pretty countryside
Merrily we roll along, roll along
Bursting with dreams...
Travelling's fun
Flashing by the countryside
Everybody merrily, merrily
Catching at dreams...
Rolling along...

Dreams don't die so keep an eye on your dream
Time goes by and hopes go dry but you still can try for your dream...'

- the opening song of our first session (theme was 'travels and travails').

Working with kids are fun, rewarding and wonderful although sometimes they're sucha pain in the butt. Sometimes I couldn't help being mean to them. Haha. One of my (leadership) traits - being mean. My friends back home would be surprise at how 'soft' I've became :P. Some kids told me (half jokingly) I was mean, haha. Good though, because everytime they said that, I checked/reflected on myself :)

There's a gal that reminded me of L. Her athletic way of moving, I could almost see L... You know, when they're playing kickball (soccer + dodgeball + baseball). One day, she came in dressing like Britney Spears, wow...what a pretty (and sexy and exotic-looking) 13-years-old. It's amazing how physically matured these 'ghost' kids are! Ahh...when I was her age, I was like a log :P

Since I was working hard controlling the hyper kids, TC put me in charge of the younger kids in Session 2. We thought they'd be easier to manage. Less hard time for me, I could 'breathe' a little ;P. However, the young kids in Session 2 were unlike the kids in Session 1. They're kinda wild too! 18 of them! Of course, not all of them were wild. I had 7 boys and 11 gals. After the first day, we agreed for the (counselor) switch. Glad B could do it, and was willing to do it. And so, I was relieved and be the 'queens'' counselor. I just love them! They're more discipline than others, and they didn't run around. Phew! Their attention and enthusiasm (to participate and learn and work together) should be well-praised. At the end of the session, just before the performance, we did some (impression) sharing. It was nice and touching. I miss them now... :'( I'll never forget the one performance we did together - 'Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now'. I played the piano, they acted, sang and danced.

What an experience!

Friday, July 15, 2005


J: Wei?
C: Wei!
J: How are you?
C: I miss you!
J: Yeah, me too.
C: When are you coming back?
J: I'll be home in like 4 days.
C: Really!? Wait, which home - here or home in pennsylvania?
J: The apartment (I just love when she and I refer our rented apartment as home... hehe. Made me feel I'm 'belonged').
C: Oh good! How long are you gonna be here before going back to Pennsylvania?
J: Like a couple of days.
C: So, which day exactly are you gonna arrive? I've to put on clothes by then. Haha!
J: You better.
C: Gosh, I've gotten so used to be (half) naked around the apartment. Can I still be naked when I sleep?
J: As long as you're in YOUR room.
C: Okay. Sure you won't come in my room?
J: Haha.
C: Make sure you don't jump on me in my bed! Haha.
J: Haha... Hey, is A's tv out in the living room?
C: Yes.
J: Where's my tv?
C: Oh, I dumped it down the trash chute.
J: What!? Tell me you didn't do that!
C: Haha! Yeah...
J: No, you didn't!
C: believe me?
J: Tell me you didn't throw my tv down the chute!
C: Haha...nah...
J: You didn't, right?
C: What makes you think I'd throw the tv down the chute when I refused to throw that pumpkin we had there. You had to persuade me to do it! Haha.
J: I don't know.
C: You think I'm crazy? Haha, I'm crazy but not that crazy.
J: Tell me you didn't do it.
C: Haha. (I was having fun) It's in your room. You're so gullible... Hehe, see I learned that word from L (coz she always...well, USED TO make me feel gullible and she's bad BUT playful. I'll miss that).
J: Yeah, yeah... How's L?
C: She's fine. She's at home now.
J: Did you see her recently?
C: (recently means when? I didn't know how to answer her)
J: Why?
C: ...she didn't want to see me...?
J: Oh?
C: ...well...I can tell you that I'm now single and available. I'm waiting for you to come back so we can go out and pick up guys or girls.
J: Haha.
C: Yeah, I've to go out and meet people! Waiting for you to come back. Oh yeah, I can't wait to have that swimming (dipping) pool in our balcony!
J: Yeah, yeah. It's gonna be awesome.
C: Call me when you're on the road (it takes 3 days drive from Wyoming to Baltimore, Maryland).
J: Okay, I'll call you when it gets bored. I got to go...
C: Okay, bye.
J: Bye.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

improving communication

a dear friend sent this to me, i'd like to share it with you...

'Consistent, healthy communication is vital for your relationships. It's like the heart in the human body. It's easy to see why really - if you don't talk about your feelings, how will your partner know how you feel? And if your partner doesn't know, how can he or she react properly? There are some things to note for healthy communication though; some couples seem to communicate often but it doesn't help the relationship because they're just venting and not listening. Or they're presuming too much, or taking things too personally.

Start by learning to listen. Now, some people seem to do that, but what they're really doing is waiting for their chance to cut in and defend themselves. They often sit while the other person is talking, waiting for a space to jump into the conversation to defend their actions, explain themselves, or explode in anger.

What you should do is listen actively and emphatically to your partner. Watch the facial expressions, the body language. Learn to listen to more than just the words since we often can't express what we're really trying to say in words alone.

Also, don't assume that you understand what your partner is trying to say. Ask for clarification. Sometimes, it can seem as though your partner is being sarcastic or insulting, or making a cruel joke about you, but you're basically just being over-sensitive. If you're not sure, ask. Very often, you'll find that you were off the mark completely. And trust your partner's clarification. If you can't trust your partner, then the relationship is doomed anyway.

Also, words have different meanings for different people. Some people say "interesting" when they mean "I think it's awful but I don't want to hurt your feelings". Learn to remember how your partner uses certain words or tones and what he or she is trying to convey. Take the time to study what he or she means by saying certain things. This will make your sharing experience much more pleasant.

There are certain topics that may trigger a fight-or-flight reaction. Sometimes in sharing you might bring up topics or feelings that scare your partner and put them into a flight situation where they close-up and avoid sharing or it might be something that touches a painful memory and they get into a defensive mode. Being aware of these triggers helps you learn how to either carefully back off or gently probe for answers.

Yes, healthy communication is tough, but if you're serious about making your
relationship work, few things are more important.'

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

johnson and i

after a sluggish and long monday, i made the determination to start afresh - be active and contributive to my environment/other people. i had a great day at camp - conducted improv games, a brief mask workshop and accompanied my 'queens' (the gals in my group named themselves 'the flying drama queens') in their performance 'mama, i'm a big girl'. ;)

what was it that i wanted to say... oh yeah, i remember in 'tuesdays with morrie' (the great book i had but lent it to my friend and now it's 'gone'), there's a chapter talking about dealing with relationship. to be precise, how to get over a relationship. morrie said something's okay to grief and plunge into that depression state for a time period, to really FEEL the painful emotions of loss, AND THEN stand up and move on. yeah, to really feel the down moment, and then toss it aside (with the attitute 'it's so over, babe') and start anew. ;)

i'm taking morrie's great advice.

hhmmm...i'd say that i was kind of rejecting the confrontation/reality. of course, her actions seemed to justify the 'relationship' and i was ermmm...reluctant to let go. what was i doing? i wasn't being fair. i was kind of selfish (argh!). i'm really kicking myself over what's happened. she's right, i was thinking with my 'brain' ;P

i'm healing... last night, while watching the commercial of johnson & johnson's baby lotion (duh, not that i intended to JUST watch the commercials :P) i had the vision of her holding her baby, looking so beautiful, motherly, fortunate and happy. it warmed my heart, and i told myself, yes...let the image/vision be a reality. i'll be there to hold her and congratulate her and share her joy and happiness.

psssst, i'm using that johnson baby lotion now and i tell you - i've never feel so soft and sexy at the same time my entire life ;P well, i've never had the habit of applying lotion after shower back in malaysia, but now that i'm in a drier environment, i HAVE TO ;P

you go, johnson!

Monday, July 11, 2005

How can I let go...

I woke up looking 'piggie-face' with such a swollen eyes that I couldn't opened it fully. Sucha 'beaten up' face. So sad, so gloomy, so 'spiritless'... Nevertheless, I had to go out and face the world (the kids and colleagues at theatre camp). I wished I could just stay home and zombie alone...

It's so painful to hear the words coming from her mouth. Made me felt hopeless and worthless, and I cried my heart out. Of course, most of the time it's more towards self-blaming - my poor karma. I felt (still feeling!) so fragile and shattered. Lucky to have the space to wept loudly without disturbing my roomate(s). But kinda sad not to have a shoulder to cry on. No one to tell me 'it's okay, let it out'...and give me a hug... :(

Don't know how long these remorseful feeling will last. As I was sitting at my job, and deleting the history (messages) of L, I could sense that I was making that action to 'erase' her from my memory. Ain't important anymore. Things will never be the same again.

I feel so rejected........ :`(

During 'Ragtime' Production...

This is composed with my cellphone - copied and pasted here.

'As I'm sitting here, right on the very top of the house, beside my spotlight, waiting for the cue, waiting for the show to start...there's nothing to do except playing around with my cellphone, listening to the orchestra doing its last minute warm-up before the show, thinking and reminiscing about L. Thinking if I should message or call her, now or later and share my joy and agony and dilemma that I'm having now.

Having so many things dwelled insie me...all the things I want to share with her and...but would she listen? Would she be interested (still)?

Oh good, show's about to start. Ciao!'


As I applied for a part time student last semester, I really hoped/thought I'd make the cut in the MFA program. Yes, I made the first cut, went in for the interview with more confidence and composure compared to last year. My artistic statement/mission has changed too. And yet, it tore me apart when D told me the news.

This year, I was fortunate to have a shoulder to cry on, a pillar to hold on to, for support (faith) when I got the sada news. Last year, I was all by myself and it was different with W. I couldn't believe I got rejected again.

D suggested Hawaii. Do I want to go to Hawaii? I still ask that question myself. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, my prayer isn't answered (yet) but I'm sure whatever the present circumstance is, it's really for my own growth and benefit in the long run. Just like how it was...6/8 years ago.

Well, never let go my dream, never give up, never succumb to circumstances/environment.

Sunday, July 10, 2005


I was in MSC production last semester (spring). What a long and confusing title - The Persecution and Assassination of Jean Paul Marat as performed by the Inmates of Charenton under the direction of Marquis de Sade as performed by the Inmates of the Liberation Camp and Holding Facility. Whoaaaa...

I went to the early rehearsals (mostly discourses) with such a blur state of mind... And I was at a 'transition'/dilemma period - would I be able to stay here for the semester due to financial difficulties. And I was playing one of the musicians - there's no distinct character to study for based on the script.

Well, since it's a play within a play within a play, everything could be errr...ambiguous. :P Hence, I could be 'blur' on my part, BUT be sure of every music notes and cues ;P

Working with J was certainly a learning experience - from style of direction to her character. Mostly I was in rehearsals with C and I marvelled at his musical talent, passion and ability! Back to J - as compared to N, she's really very 'verbal'. Of course, every director has to throw questions to the actors about dramaturgy, character and script analysis, etc. But, it's just too much to grasp coz she tends to 'beat around the bush', you asking questions and bringing so much other ideas/suggestions at the same time. I don't know, I just lost the main point(s) and then I'm in that 'vast' state of mind - with no strong points or revelation of my own. Ahh...I'm much like less-is-more kinda person ;)

C arranged the music to reggae, like funk it up, away from the original british/military style. The frequent rehearsal didn't bore me coz I took that opportunity to 'destress' and perfect my drumming technique :) gosh, i missed playing music with other musicians!

I really enjoyed last semester- the academic workload, hehe... Only 2 classes and sitting in the design class (with permission from T of course! how lucky). Boy, work much though. Had 4 part time jobs that a period of time. Working for Panda, Paws, TC and S. Saved some money for tuition (and still I had to borrow!) and expenses. What a semester - juggling all these theatre classes, projects and production and jobs.

See, although I was busy, but I still went for Gakkai meetings whenever possible - mostly kofu on Sundays. Phew! Being in MSC (about revolution and liberation of France, Charenton and Refugee Camp...duh :P) was revolutionary for me. How? :)

Never in my life I've taken so much responsibilities to stand on my own and balancing many events/circumstances IN one semester. It's colorful in a diferent way compared to the past 'canvases' (moments/fractions in life). Of course, the major one was confronting myself - when I met L...

Saturday, July 02, 2005


so many events had happened since my last blog. many people i met have come and gone (haiii...). anyway, i'll find some time to sit down and write each event and person.

came across something, and it really hits me. ;P hehehe...

"To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination."

-George Jean Nathan