Sunday, October 30, 2005

Saving Face

Halloween weekend. I should have gone out - with or without costume. But I didn't. I thought I would - go downtown to Fells Point with S. Well, it's too late for her - by the time I get off work and get ready. *sigh*

My movie night with W and X was cancelled. In the end, I stayed home - watched my MUCH anticipated movie, Saving Face, which has just came out in DVD and arrived at my mailbox.

Roomate K made cheesecake. It's delicious. Had a glass of wine. Watched Saving Face. What an enjoyment, a solitary enjoyment.

Saving Face

Dutiful daughter Wil (Michelle Krusied) sidesteps her mother's (Joan Chen) attemptes to marry her off in Alice Wu's romantic comedy set in New York. At 28, Wil's the old maid of her traditional Chinese family, so there's no way she can tell them about her budding romance with Vivian (Lynn Chen). But there's no avoiding mom's meddling matchmaking when she shows up on Wil's doorstep looking for a place to stay.

Gosh, her mum's pregnant at the age 48! And Wil is a doctor (woohoo! smart gene ;)), a lesbian Chinese doctor (pretty too!). Vivian's a prima ballerina. Oh, she's super cute and sexy! Yeah, I can you juxtapose 'ugly but adorable' and sexy together. :P Oh boy...I just love the twists and turns of the drama/movie! I feel a kind of deja vu.

Oh, what IF my mum get pregnant 2-3 years from now. having a stepdad. Would I be ok with her? Would she be 'ok with me'?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Ahh...the show

There I was, pretty and proper and smelled good. The crowd - more than half were queer. Yay! :P Under the spotlights, I delivered my lil speech (introduction). pressure. Theatre major mah. :P

Magdalen was phenomenal! Oh, she sounded great. Like, like...the asian 'tori amos'. And she played the guitar and piano and a lil hand drum perfectly, while singing! Very down to earth-entertaining.

One of my pretty (and sexy) classmate, S (from Iran), came. I was like, 'WHOAAAAA...she came after all!'. ;P

Back to Magdalen - at the end of the show, I bought 2 of her CDs - smashing the ceiling and fuck bush. Yes, I LOOOOOVE that fuck bush song. ;P And 'chink' song. It's so Chinese-like. Haha...she had this lil chat in between songs and to know that how her Chinese background (how her parents like, how they react to certain things) was like really warmed me up - the similarity we had ;P like the money issue...the 'not touchy' kinda relationship...the 'we gave you good education and now what, what are you doing to your future?'...bla bla bla. Heh.

You know, as I was rushing to class today, I passed by my gym and I saw her there, jogging! Ooooo! I wanted to drop by and say hi, but I was rushing, so I didn't. Fyi, I'm living in Marriot Hotel Apartment, where 2nd to 5th floor are catered to students (mostly international) and staff of Towson University. So, the rest of the floors are for guests. She's staying here!!! In the same building! :P And then, after class, I went to the Starbucks next door, hoping I'd bumped into her again. But she wasn't there. I saw my close friends, hung out with them. And then...there she was - walked past with D (her drummer), heading to Towson town for dinner! Oooooo... ;)

After the concert, we talked. Bla bla bla... To cut the story short, we (me and her friends) went to Bateman's (a bistro/restaurant/pub) which is on campus. Yay! Had Cosmopolitan. So 'sex and the city' :P Her friends were cool. 2 guys - gay and straight. So, 5 of us (including D, the drummer)...really had a great time there! It's karaoke night at Bateman's - a bunch of my theatre friends were there too! I knew 'everybody' there. Saying hi and stuff :P So popular lah. Hehe... No, Magdalen didn't go up and sing although I wanted her to :P She's done with singing for the day and...she's pretty drunk, even though she didn't finished her Cosmopolitan (half left)! :P

I hope I can jam with her and D. :)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Anxiety Attack

I think J must have gone crazy with my lil 'fashion parade' for these past 2 days. I just couldn't decide on what to wear tomorrow--Magdalen Hsu-Li Concert/Performance! I'd be one of the hostesses.

Should I wear this? That?
Should I cut my hair? Make it short and crazy like Shane in L Word?
Should I tie my hair or wear it down?


I 'ran' to Women's Center and expressed my undecidedness :P

Director: You're fine, wear something nice but no boobs or belly. Ahh, but then I haven't seen you wear anything boobies or belly before. Jeans is fine. You're already pretty, anything will be fine.

Me: *gasps* *blushes* *smiles* Okay...

Got a call today from the Women's Center. What? Dr F asked if I could introduce Magdalen. She later emailed me the 'script' ;P


I'm honored. Eh, the event is sponsored by Women's Center, LGBT Issues Committee, and Queer Student Union, and co-sponsored by other on-campus organizations. Well, this event is in conjunction with the Diversity Series on Race, Class, Gender & Sexual Orientation. Wonder why I'm picked... :P

Magdalen Hsu-Li is an internationally acclaimed singer/songwriter/painter and cultural activist. Chinese American. She's something like Tori Amos and Ani Difranco. Visit Magdalen Hsu-Li's website

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Stuff Going On...

1.) Baby A came with a bruise on his forehead - fell down at home. Ouch!

2.) Roomate J came home and complained about the smell. 'why does it smell so bad (i forgot the exact word she said) vagina in here?'. *horror face* Saying my pot of soup smells like vagina! How could she! It's lotus roots + peanuts + chicken + dates + a few pieces of dried cuttlefish. what VAGINA?! Made me wonder if she's a closeted lesbian :P Kena ambil langkah berjaga-jaga lepas ni, lepas dia baca ni!

3.) IM chat turned sour with L. I'm feeling really bad, and hurt. I feel...incompetent.

4.) Feeling battered, I walked to Student Union...and bought a mag and some merchandises from the Lambda Rising booth (about LBGT).

5.) Wanted to read at Starbucks but fell asleep upon lying down. Piggie me. :P

6.) Got stood up by WP to attend the QSU (queer student union) meeting. I ended up being there, alone.

7.) Finally got to read the Curve mag (best selling lesbian mag) and Le Cid (French play - assignment) at Starbucks.

8.) Nursing my battered soul...drank my 'vagina' soup with rice for dinner in front of the television (playing tvb drama - VCD ;)).

Monday, October 17, 2005

the weekend

i've been hanging out much with a close group of malaysian (plus a hongkie guy) girl friends lately - mahjong, playing cards, dinner, starbucks, pool, pub, badminton, supper. my social life is (suddenly) busy. why so much hanging outs?

ease the loneliness.

have a good laugh.

enjoy the company.

warmth of having close and gay friends.

be social - see and be seen.

wanting to hear them break into 'tell laura' song.

friday night

a sudden change in plan resulted in going downtown to a korean karaoke bar. in the dimness and smokiness of the place - i spotted a cute angmoh gal. soooo stood out among the asians. friends made me drank so much so that i have the courage to go over... errr... ehem... didn't do it. but i was pretty tipsy. drank til the place closed, and we're the last ones out. staggered to the car. had no idea what was the restaurant's (korean bbq at 2am) name. silly me, 'bbq-ing' lettuce. silly girl friends singing loudly at the restaurant, the waitress came over and hushed them down. embarrassing lah. remembering shock looks from newly-met-guy-friends upon knowing the history behind 'tell laura' song. feeling face turned redder, heart became fonder.

5-6 hours of sleep. hangover. crappy saturday. worked 12 hours like a zombie. customers 'took turn' coming in - i had no long nap time!

saturday night

good old close friends (the above mentioned) 'accompanied' me for the Coming Out party at a friend's apartment. how supportive of them. thanks! didn't stay long. wanted to hop over to the cast party next door, but friends were getting bored. oh well...kinda torn. so, just hi and bye to the hostess right outside the apartment. hopped into the car, and off to play pool.


must get up early and go get the surprise gifts... didn't happen - my 'piggie' nature (it's so hard for me to leave the comfort of my bed and beloved pillow). sprang to action upon phonecall from S - 'i'll be there in 10 mins'. had a scone and coffee from starbucks (yummm...the coffee, not the scone) in the car - ride to DC kaikan. feeling super excited upon knowing i'd see L there - darn cofee making my heart beat so fast and so nervous i couldn't give my two cents in the discussion meeting!

missed (still do) the tight hug. felt the soft curls. saw the blotchiness (oh, how adorable) resulted from being the MC - admiring her versatility. gazed (longed) at the soft eyes, voice...(ehem) everything. heard the growl and presented the little (surprise) godiva box. in the box there's 2 heart-shaped chocolate. oh... people looked (jealously) as we shared the chocolates. how funny she looked in the 'lampshade' costume. heh. another sad parting... remembering the 'looks'.

an hour journey on the subway to meet the relatives nearby and from SF and london. oh, what a gay aunts and uncles i have. realizing drama (queens) runs in the family. had way too much oysters, mussels, shrimps, salmon, snow crabs at the japanese buffet restaurant. how i wished she's there...

walking down the hallway back to my apartment later - i felt i've been away from my apartment for so long, i felt the strangeness. events happened...something anew.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Nice and Warm

Waking up early in the misty morning to have dimsum and tea...

Seeing baby A making cute faces, doing cute stuff...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

National Coming Out Day

It's national coming out day here. Woohoo! And the QSU on campus is having their regular Tuesday meeting. Due to the special occasion and J's sincere PLEADING (for me to attend the meeting and meet more err...people), I went, alone.

The drag show after that was superbly fun, exciting, funny, sexy, and PACKED - full house! It's like a scene from 'the L word' or 'queer as folk'. I've never been so close to so many (dressed up) queers before! WOW! And the show was held on campus! WOW!!!


Did I meet someone? But I went (and showed my face), came out *wide grin*.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Creating Drama Everywhere

The stage resembles a box. A fancy Godiva box. This happens in the box -- center. Audience looks from above. Characters are found in space as audience enters.

As the conversation goes by, the characters move toward upstage left -- at the edge of the box.

A: You know, we rarely meet and our conversation is not like it used to be. I miss the old days.

B: ... looks down.

A: Look at you now, my gosh...your creamy complexion. Your radience... So fresh looking.

B: ... blushes and looks away. Moving a step towards upstage left.

A: steps closer I see you're getting fitter. Firmer. You must have been having a great time moving and dipping around.

B: ... smiles shyly, another step towards upstage left.

A: steps closer So, how's it like being in the fancier place? Everyone adores you, huh. You're sucha sweetie and a sport.

B: ... opens the mouth, but no words. Smiles. Looks away.

A: Did I tell look beautiful. Really. I love the way your eyes changes its color...the way your eyes speak to me. And your brows do things I can't do with mine. It's...

B: ... looks at A, then looks away. Steps this time, B is at the edge of the stage.

A: steps closer It's mesmerizing and beautiful. You're lovely...and exquisitely beautiful.

B: ... looks down, looks away.

A: Please say something?

Lights out. Intermission time. Audience may proceed to consume the beverages and Godiva dipped strawberries, courtesy from the producer and sponsor.

A Lil' Indulgence Over the Weekend

Roomate J came back with a huge surprise two days ago--a box of strawberries dipped chocolate! Some are 'Halloween shaped'. Haha.


L'amour est un oiseau rebelle


These are my response words from the painting painted by Chen Chi in 1958.

My chosen song was L'amour est un oiseau rebelle from Carmen. It's a very dear song to me. Fits every words I chose. Right? So...then came the challenging part. I have to transform those (painting, words, music) into a lighting design. I have never touched any of those sophisticated theatrical lighting instruments before. And so, or that project, I'd have to hang, focus, and be the lightboard operator, on top of designing and choreographing/directing. Well, I could choose objects (big cloths - different color/material were commonly used, any object(s) or human(s)). Kinda easy, kinda hard. Could be easy, could be hard. I, hehehe...of course, chose to do a hard one. And so, I was stressing myself to come out with the best design I've ever done.

I searched the lyrics and so understood its content (oh, so je t'aime), and read the synopsis of the opera. I wanted to dedicate that design I've created to L...

It's an artwork. Really. Lighting designer is like an artist (painter) who paints the space with colors. The space is the canvas. And I 'played director' too, to further portray the passion, longing, seduction (playfulness), and amour I have. Colors and focus and cues were carefully chosen and performed.

L'amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser,
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser.
Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;
Et c'est l'autre que je préfère
Il n'a rien dit; mais il me plaît.
L'amour! L'amour! L'amour! L'amour!

Love is a rebellious bird
That nothing can tame,
And it is simply in vain to call it
If it is convient for it to refuse.
Nothing will work, threat or leading,
One speaks, the other stays quiet;
And it's the other that I prefer
He said nothing; but he pleases me.
Love! Love! Love! Love!

L'amour est enfant de Bohême,
Il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!
Si tu ne m'aime pas,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime!
Mais, si je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!
Si tu ne m'aime pas,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime!
Mais, si je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!

Love is the child of the Bohemian,
It has never, never known any law,
If you don't love me, I love you,
If I love you, keep guard of yourself!
If you don't love me,
If you don't love me, I love you!
But, if I love you,
If I love you, keep guard of yourself!
If you don't love me, I love you!
If you don't love me,
But, if I love you,
If I love you, keep guard of yourself!

It's from Carmen. Previously unique...Carmen.

I don't care about the grade I'd get from that. It's not as important. I'm overjoyed, satisfied, and contented that I've done another piece of art that had fulfilled my inner feelings and thoughts in a unique and aesthetic way. A catharsis of emotion? This sense of fulfillment surely surpasses result (grade), for me. Well, if I DO get an A, it'll be a boost, recognition of hard and great work, encouragement, and motivation ;)

Can you imagine me being (playing) Carmen? Lol...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

10 years

I think it was 10 years ago. I'd finally summoned enough courage to perform - solo singing, in front of the whole school. Annual Talentime. I think it's around this time too, you know...end of the year kinda. It was MY FIRST TIME singing solo (how scary was that, my voice was 'lost'. oppsss...don't have to tell the embarrasing moment here) in front of my juniors and seniors. My song was Heaven Knows by Rick Price.

Heaven Knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows...

All of the sudden these words were coming to me while I was in the shower. I downloaded the song and I was weeping, singing along. It was 10 years ago, and I was 'already' singing this song. To whom? I'm singing the song (that was so dear to me) now and I'm actually 'living' the song. It's very emotional...

If I'd perform this song again, I'd sing it with my whole being/life. 10 years...I've gain enough performing and stage experiences. about life experiences? Well...sure. But it's never enough.