Tuesday, August 30, 2005


8.55am - Arrival of baby A (14 months) woke me up. Dang, 5 minutes earlier, no time for me to brush my teeth. Just enough time to put on some clothes :P

9.50am - *sniff sniff* "A, did you poop?" With his cute face, big greenish brown eyes and soft blonde hair, he looked at me for 2 seconds, then said "nope, nope" (shaking his head). So cute. And I went back to watch my TVB drama, him back to playing his toys.

10.25am - "Seriously, A, did you poop?". No response, just the stare from him. I couldn't take it anymore, what's the smell... OMG, yuck! He berak lah! Eeee... Shit, I have to change his diaper. That was a serious case of shit! I have NEVER change a diaper before!

10.35am - I was still cleaning his shit away from his buttock. Figuring how to fasten the diaper. Eeeek! I pulled the tab too hard, it came off. Shit! More shit stuck on his soft buttock. Eeeek! My left hand is kinda tired of holding up his legs while I wiped away. "Why are you smiling at me? Huiyo! Why you said no when I asked you just now?" He answered with a bigger smile. Issshhh...so cute! Then I let go off his legs because he was whining. Gosh... Okay, more persuasion. This time, he lifted his legs for me and opened wide - whoaaa...so cooperative, huh! ;)

11.15am - Daddy T arrived to take baby A away.

1.30pm - Had my leftover honey beef lunch. Yummm...still so delicious. My first time cooking the beef last night! Shared some with my Japanese roomate, K. She loved it!

3.30pm - Still watching the TVB drama. Gosh, better go prepare to go for interview - waiting table.

4.30pm - Met the boss, J. "Nope, no Saturday and Sunday. Can't do it." Yeah lah, how to say "I quit" to Panda? Bla bla bla... Yay, go to work on Fri afternoon. What? Black or blue polo shirt? Dang. Have to go buy... *sigh*

5.45pm - Still looking for polo shirt in that big shopping mall. Gee! How difficult it was! Looked into every clothes stores. There's none in Polo Sport or Polo Ralph Lauren (not boutique, just rack and small section in Hechts)?!

6.00pm - Bumped into my English professor with his wife. I looked kinda tired and frustrated already, walking alone...searching. He's so cheerful. Dang, haven't done my English paper. Due at 9pm - send him email!

6.05pm - Ahhh...finally got one - Aeropostle. Spent $10.50 for one. *phew*

6.30pm - Went shopping at Trader Joe's. Bought an orange juice (calcium added - nice...don't have to drink milk. Not that I don't like it, but sometimes I'm lactose intolerent), tiramisu! and lettuce. Eh, saw a gothic looking lady outside TJ.

6.40pm - Walking behind the gothic lady. Hmmm...where's she going.

6.45pm - My apartment building! Didn't know there's a gal this gothic living here. OMG, 2nd floor corridoor! My new neighbor! Whoaaaa... I said "hi", talked a lil bit, peeped into her just-moved-everything-in apartment. She said, "see ya, honey". Huh!? Called me honey... hhmmm...Hhhhmmmmmm...

8.56pm - Sent my paper to the English professor. Phew! Thanks J for proofreading it and corrected a few grammatically (silly) mistakes.

When I'm done with this blog, I'm gonna go enjoy my tiramisu over a hot italian roast coffee! Yummmmm....

Monday, August 29, 2005

Chicken and Fish

I can't remember how long since I ate a fish (whole) with its body intact, you know...with its eyes 'glaring' at you while you're digging and tearing its flesh. Heh. Very long time ago...months! Well, not that I didn't have the opportunity to eat a fish, but it's been salmon, salmon and salmon - filet. So when the chef uncle was cleaning the (whole) fish in panda's kitchen, I was staring longingly (admiring) at the beauuuutiful body (the fish, not the chef uncle lah! :P), its scales being de-scaled away. I thought it's for the you know, business. But when I saw those fish, cooked, for our dinner, I was jumping in joy! Haha. Soooo happy! Mmmm...the whole kitchen smelled of the fish ;)

I wanted (so much) to drop everything I was doing - attending customers, and just sit there for our special dinner (fish and fried chicken wings to be eaten with sweet and sour sauce). Oh boy! I was so rushing, almost running in and out - dining room to kitchen, etc. Finally, the moment came. I was so moaning (tried not to be too loud about it :P). It's like having an orgasm. Haha! Oh yeah...kinda fishy. J and T (boss and coworker) said it's too fishy for them and they stopped eating the fish. B (the delivery guy) left because the dinner was served late. Hurrah! I got more to eat ;P So so so satisfied...

MmmmMMmmmm......... ;)

B called later, he's at Holy Frijoles (one of the cool bars we went to, weeks ago) at Hampden, having pizza and beer. There's some lesbians at the bar! ;) hahaha... I got so excited and I told him to come fetch me after my job's done (urgh, many side jobs to do...). He did. And so we went. Had half a Natty Boh (the Baltimore beer) in the car, u know...just to relax, chill-out and 'summon the courage'. Haha! It's illegal to drink in the car even though one's not driving but heck, we DID it!

There were some lesbians there. Pretty ones not many. I bumped into my theatre friend, Br. Gosh! Talked abit. He's gonna direct a Eve Ensler's play 'The Good Body' somewhere in the end of the year and he needs 10 women, from Towson University ;) He's kinda 'inviting' gals he wanna work with to audition for it. Well...let's see ;)

B and I saw one hot gal sitting at the bar, next to us. I was trying to get eye contact with her. We're both figuring out if she's gay. She touched her girl friend's back, stroked her shoulder, back... Whoaaa! Definitely gay! :P Taken? :S So we're both fighting for the same gal. What an intense fight. We even have a picture of it to prove it - us trying to kill each other with the tabasco sauce bottle (so wanted to break it, more dramatic. :P). We made the hot gal be our photographer. I was so 'chicken' I made B go and asked her to take our picture. Hehe... The backdrop of us is a picture of 2 women, naked - sculpture.

I followed her to the bathroom and waited for her outside the door. Br saw me sitting there alone, he came and talked to me. Gee! And then the hot gal came out, passed by me. Oh! Br really spoiled everything. That's my perfect moment to approach her and poof! gone... :(

We stayed until the bar closed. The hot gal and her girl friend were still sitting there. Okay...guess she's really very into her... Sadly, we went out. Went home. Kinda drunk...

There you go, my chicken and fish tale.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Haikus for Aunt Bening

See young Benjamin
Talking running and whining
Giving you headache

See my uncle Joe
Wrapping packing and working
Provide everything

Fortunate auntie
Cooking cleaning and driving
Living in Fairfax

Wonderful auntie
Wish you healthy and beauty
Happy birthday too

Monday, August 22, 2005

Relaxing Monday

I'm out in my apartment's balcony, sun tanning by the water (we have a kid's pool, patio table and chairs), listening to internet radio (www.lounge-radio.com), sipping ice italian coffee, doing stuff on Internet...enjoying myself.

Gosh, I'd be working 12 hours everyday from tomorrow until Sunday! School's gonna start on Monday. I need more money and is given the opportunity to work my ass off, yay!

There's only one pool here in this building (Burkeshire Marriot Hotel) and it's in our balcony! Nice, huh. ;P The picture is nice, but the pool is not (dirty lah, needs cleaning).

I saw a helicopter hovering above for like 2 minutes. It's like it's checking me out, checking our pool out. Whoa! I wonder if it takes recording of 'things happening' (including traffic, and 'weird' stuff) for a tv station. I was talking to J, told her to check the news. I might be in it with a headline screaming 'asian lady desperate for a beach/resort vacation?'.


Intoxicated me

Saturday night - thought I'd have a relaxing 'date' with 'the L word' after a long hectic day at Panda, but my plan was interrupted by W's call - invitation to a BBQ hosted by a chinese friend of his friend. I must be in a 'yay-lets-go-out-and-meet-people' mood that I ignored my exhaustion and went with him.

So many chinese guys! We kinda 'regretted' that we were there. Not much ladies. And then a tall (around 6 feet!) pretty gal walked in and took our breath away. LOL. We 'inched' closer to her and backed up - shy :P, then we summoned enough courage and sat with her group of friends, played some chinese games (including the paper-scissor-stone game). Chatted, got to know a bit about each other. She studies at UMCP (aiyo...). Wow...the way she speaks English - sexy! Haha. Yeah, with good American accent. And how fast she can switch back to her native chinese mandarin! Impressive! Smart too - been changing majors. So undecided (there might be a hint ;P). Drank some beer. Moved inside, to the basement. Played some pingpong (there's a mini table down there). Grouped together, partnered up and played one confusing chinese (counting) game. Of course, the guys all wanted to be her partner. :P But I was her partner, with another guy - threesome. Ehem...nothing sexual! Then we changed partners, but still sat next to each other ;P

The circle grew tighter with people joining us. Obviously, then we sat closer. Rubbing shoulders and thighs. Ehem. I checked the fingers - short nails. Forgot about the ring finger and index finger! Argh! So soft - she touched me. So womanly - her curves. So long - her legs. She leaned on me - my heart skipped a few beats. Excited. Too much to drink. The guys offered her a ride, some wanted her to sleep over and he (many he(s)) would give her a ride home the next day. I'd offer her a ride if I have a car, but unfortunately I don't. Good old W, he picked up my intetion and offered her a ride!

She thought we're married (W and I, WTF! Heck no :P). She thought we're a couple (no, but people always say that). I told her we're just friends. Hehe. Since she has sucha model's legs, she sat in front. And the she complained, she'd rather sit at the back. Ehem...with me? And what? Good old W, he said 'sure, go ahead if you want'. I was hoping she'd climb over. Hoping there'd be some 'actions', backseat. Didn't happened. In my drunkness, I heard her saying she doesn't have a bf, doesn't have a gf. :O I wanted to get into that, but forgot what happened - changed subject. Ceh.

In a nick of time, W reached my apartment - SO FAST! I reluctantly got out of the car, S (her name) said something about keeping in touch. Duh, I should have taken her number right away. Silly things alcohol can do to your brain - I told her to give it to W, I'll take it from him and we'll hang out sometime.

Found out later - he forgot to take her number. She forgot to give him her number... He promised to ask a friend to ask a friend (the list may go on) for her number, FOR ME ;)

Aiks, what am I doing?

Friday, August 19, 2005

mucho deniro

How much money do you have to have in your wallet and your saving/checking account in order for you to feel 'secure'...? In Malaysia, I NEED to have more than RM10 in my wallet whenever I go out. When my bank account reaches less than RM500, I'd 'shout out' to my mum. :P Exchange rate is RM3.8 to US$1. Here, well...I feel secure even with just a few dollars BUT I have to have my VISA check card ;P Here, everywhere accepts check card. Yup, you go grocery shopping...a few dollars worth of stuff - just pay with check card. Say in Malaysia, you have to have loads of cash when you go eat in kopitiam or buy stuff from kedai runcit ;P


Today, I wrote a check of $2,XXX - paid to the university. My hard earned money. All my savings! Now I'm down to $XX - not enough to pay for my rent, phone bill, utility bill, schoolbooks to buy... I didn't have a summer vacation. I didn't go anywhere. The closest 'vacation' (if you consider it so) I had was a visit to L's parents' house - 3 days 2 nights. The next closest 'beach vacation' would be DIPPING in a kids' pool and sitting with a book, cold drink and laptop - sun-tanning by the water (the kids' pool, okay) IN MY APARTMENT BALCONY. Very hard to say bye-bye to summer in Florida but I've got to save the money...


If I have to pay my tuition fees with the in-state status, I would be 'richer' by now - I would have more clothes in my wardrobe, I would have more shoes/sandals, I would have started paying back my loan money, I would have gotten a car, I would have semi-supported my mum back home, I would have have a more colorful life (heh, not that it's not colorful now...but with a car, I would have done more...would have gone out more...party more...see more...do more...). This is a very hard way of learning on being responsible on my life, in my life. And I chose this...

Colorful too, at the end of the day :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Lagenda (Legend)

This is a secret most people don't know about me. I'm a very patriotic and Malay-loving person. Very so that people often mistaken me as the little Malay girl when I was a kid. I looked and talked like a Malay (good Malay accent). I can still pass as a Malay now! ;) With tan skin and not-so-straight-hair and exotic facial feature, many Chinese people (including my ex-roomates! haha! soooo hilarious at their puzzled faces upon knowing I was their roomate and I replied them in Chinese) would speak to me in Malay or English.

Ahhh, back to my secret - the first album I bought was Sheila Majid's Lagenda.I was 12 years old. ;) I love this song so much. So much that I could go through blowing and sucking THE HARMONICA over and over again - playing this song. Heh. Oh yeah, I can play the harmonica. Just need to be very sure of where to blow and suck...a proper and controlled use of breath. Tongue as needed ;)

Eh, do I sound dirty again? Don't intend to :P

This song is written/dedicated to the late Tan Sri P. Ramlee, the greatest legendary artist in Malaysia (in fact, in Malay society in South East Asia). He is a singer, writer, musician, actor, comedian...etc - a total performer. Yes. There is a P. Ramlee Museum somewhere, I forgot, in Malaysia. But I know where the P. Ramlee Street is, in Kuala Lumpur (the capital of Malaysia). I love that street! It's the hottest (okay, one of the hottest) clubbing area in KL! Right, I miss it terribly much.

Anyway, here's the song.

Sejuta bintang di angkasa (a million stars in the universe)

Sinarnya mempersona (its mesmerizing glitter)

Sebutir bintang di taman seni (one star in the arts' garden/park)

Cahayanya berseri (its splendour light)

Biar bertahun masa beredar (no matter how many years gone by)

Satu wajah satu nama (a face a name)

Takkan pudar (will not fade)

Tetap jelas di ruang mata (still a vivid imagination)

Setiap gerak gaya (every move and gesture)

Bergetaran merdu sinar (melodious vibes shine)

Di persada budaya (on cultural stage/level)

Hingga kini menjadi sebutan (til now it's being spoken/mentioned)

Tetap terpahat namamu di ingatan (your name is etched in memory)

Oh, kaulah satu-satunya (oh, you're the only one)

Di antara berjuta (amongst millions)

Insan teristimewa (an extraordinary being)

Oh, patah tak tumbuh lagi (oh, broken would never be grown again)

Hilang belum berganti (lost and haven't been replaced)

Kerana kau tersendiri (because you're one of a kind)

Kau kebanggaan kita (you're our pride)

Kau budayawan bangsa (you're the nation's cultured person)

Engkau lagenda (you're a legend)

- Sheila Majid

Menghitung Hari

How such poetry lyrics and melody move me to tears... :'(

Menghitung hari detik demi detik (counting the days moment by moment)

Masa ku nanti asa kan ada (the time I'm waiting for will be there)

Jalan cerita kisah yang panjang (storyline, a long tale)

Menghitung hari (counting the days)

Padamkan saja kobar asmaramu (just put out your flames of passion/desire)

Jika putih itu tak kan ada (if there is no truth)

Yang aku minta tulus hatimu (what I ask is your sincerity)

Bukan puitis (not pretense)

Pergi saja cintamu pergi (just let go your love away)

Bilang saja pada semua (just tell everyone)

Biar semua tahu adanya (let everyone know of its existence)

Diriku kini sendiri (now I'm all left alone)

- Kris Dayanti

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

First Love

My heart still swells...my eyes still glisten with tears...when I hear this song...

Sai gou no kisu wa
tabako no fla vor ga shita
niga kute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni iru n darou
Dare wo omotteru n darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashi uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugokidasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anata wo omotteru n darou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever

- Utada Hikaru

Once in a while you are in my mind
think about the days that we had
and I dreaming that those all coming back to me

if only you knew every moment and time
nothing coz all in my heart
that's why can never is how i long
here to be with you
once more

you are always gonna be the one
and you should know
how i wish i could have never let you go
come back to my life again
oh don't say no

you are always gonna be the one in my life
so true i believe i can't never find
somebody like you
my first love

once in a while you are in my dreams
i can feel the world for your embrace
and i pray that will never come back to me

only you knew every moment and time
nothing coz all in my heart
that's why can never is how i long
here to be with you
once more

you are always be inside my heart
and you should know
how i wished i could have never let you go
come back to my life again please dont say no

now and forever you are still the one
in my heart
so true i believe i can never find
somebody like you
my first love

you are always gonna be the one
and you should know
how i wished i could have never let you go
come back to my life again oh don't say no

you will always gonna be the one
so true i believe i can't never find
now and forever
true love

- Utada Hikaru/Jessa Zaragoza

Monday, August 15, 2005


I was 'commissioned' to create a performance (again) for the SGI-USA Baltimore Youth Festival. I've been part of the planning/working committee of this event. I was deeply flattered my suggestion of the theme was used - 'a day of discovery'. Initially, it was supposed to be very collaborated and outreached (to other religious groups, diverse community) and also very festive (vendors and stuff). Being in the planning group (I was in performance committee. There were food, arts and crafts, exhibition, games, clean-up, marketing/advertising/publicity committees) made me aware and learned much about the process of creating such an outdoor event like this, here in USA. Some things weren't properly organized and collaborated (of course, we're all humans and such amateurs :P). But in the end, these are invaluable knowledge of dos and don'ts in the future. :)

I was requested to perform the May 3 performance I did with L for this festival. However, it's not possible. She couldn't make it. Futhermore, it's not really suitable for such space and environment. No doubt it was a GREAT, meaningful and impressive performance but it didn't seem right. The performance we created was specifically for an indoor space and requires a multimedia screen. The objectives of that piece were to instill mentor and disciple spirit, promote human revolution and awareness of individual mission and inspire hope and dream. :) With a touch of American flavor ;) I mean, targetted at American audience/members.

I decided to create a solo performance. Something fusion. Butoh and Noh inspired dance theatre. While I was crafting, planning everything in my head (for quite a long time), I was kinda lost of what and how to create another impactful and interlayered and artistic and simple and beautiful and breath-taking performance to best serve the 'discovery' theme. How (in what approach) should I use/employ the text 'Strategy of the Lotus Sutra'. I was so drifting in a wide (sometimes stormy, sometimes calm) sea. How could I not...with the happenings taken place this summer.

With some ideas and directions in my head, I finally decided to work/draft and re-doing the draft to perfection. I searched and listened to wide selection of songs (samples, online). I was crushed when the music editting software I had didn't work. Some softwares downloaded didn't work as well. I looked everywhere, downloaded stuff and testing everything - anything to do with designing my soundscape. Finally I found one - AM Sound Edittor and Recorder (that allows me to record anything I hear through my audio card. Wow! I could then 'borrow' the short clips of music I hear in Amazon). So the compiling and editting started. Choreographing Butoh wasn't a difficult task. Soon, everything fell in place. I even got a collaborator - CM for my piece. She's a harpist. With her doing the music live, it created more impact to my (our) performance. 2 performances happening at the same time, on the same stage could be connected to each other, or not. I made it to be like a 'happy accident' and let the magic of theatre take it from there. Very discoveri-al, huh. Is there a word? Hehe...

Nobody knew how my piece looked like. The committee gave me full trust and confidence that whatever I create would be truly wonderful and great. Do I like this kinda freedom? Yes and no. Yes - I could do whatever I want. No - I need constructive feedbacks and criticism. Back in Malaysia, the committee ('people above', hehe) would have turned purple if they don't know what's happening of such and such, in such and such. ;P

I was so nervous and stressed of my performance. It's my first solo performance (it's still my solo performance although there's another being on stage performing with me) debut outdoor, in front of Americana audience, in front of hundreds of strangers at the park! On the day, I think there's only around a hundred people (our target was 300). I was so stressed over my studies and finance too. Couldn't sleep at night, felt something's pressing me down so hard (the burden on my back and shoulder), no appetite, 'losing' myself with alcohol (not to the drunk state, just tipsy :P), sleeping til afternoon - not wanting to get up and face the reality. Urgh. What a life state. I should chant. I know.

"to accept is easy, to sustain is difficult..." - ND.

I was trapped in my own little world - sometimes strong sometimes vulnerable. Well, strong outside, vulnerable inside. A very humane thing everybody possesses whether they realize it or not, admit it or not.

So yesterday, Aug 14, it was the D-day. It's summer now. Humid yesterday. We're out. Luckily I'm very accustomed to hot and humid weather. Didn't have any problem or uneasiness. But poor some 'angmohs' :( A butoh performance outdoor, on a very hot stage floor made it even more butoh, for me. Butoh's about body in crisis, dance of the darkness, body at edge, beauty within the ugliness/darkness. Doing butoh to an open sky, huge field, lake was very profound. I realized and truly felt how wide and open the world is...how could I still surpressing myself over my dilemmas and crisis? Anyway, back to the performance. It was greatly admired, praised, and perceived by the audience. I felt closer to the Gakkai community here - more people. I succeeded in touching, inspiring, moving (to tears), spreading my messages/philosophies (within my piece). I felt victorious. Mostly victorious over my alienation of stress that I was feeling. Yes, an ability a great actor should possess. I (re)discovered that I could still 'alienate'.

I wanted to celebrate my success. W was there, for support. Good old W, always there when I need him. What a great friend :). We went to Inner Harbor. We reserved a table at Cheesecake Factory Restaurant (fancy! by the water, good looking people ;)) I treated myself with an iced americano at Starbucks at Barnes and Noble (the cool and big bookstore by the water) while reading lesbian novel and ehem...erotica ;P Had our fancy dinner (I had grilled mahi-mahi. It's a fish. Not very good...not very smooth - the flesh). Went to 'The Block' - a block where the gentlemen's clubs are. Walked in to the Pussycat Club. A woman was checking me out (oh boy!). And the dancer was nude! Then we left, went in and out - checking other clubs. Finally, I 'persuaded' W to go back to Pussycat Club, have a beer and see ONLY 2 gals/dances (have to tip them after they danced, it's expensive to stay long). I had a brief eye contact with the second dancer. And she was flashing her....at us. And she's damn horny... Errr...yes. Very. I was shocked. Pulled on my poker face :P Later she came to us (asking for tip lah) and chatted with us, me. Flirting with me. Yes! Later, she touched my boob, argh! Her excuse to do that - checking my tan line. Oh yeah, back track, one of the bouncers asked if I'm looking for a job there. Wow...I'm 'that' sexy?! Yeah. Err...no. :P

There you go...a very long discovery experience(s).

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Mutuality in Slumberland

I was still in bed, sleeping (if I have a mirror above my bed, it'll look like image of Bette in the opening segment of 'The L Word' Season 2), when she came in showering me with light kisses.

Babe, what are the chunks of cheese doing in our fridge? She's not a cheese-chunk person, so am I.

Mmmm...it's for cheese cake.

*chuckles* You can't make cheese cake with those, silly. Aiks, I'm still not very educated in types of cheese :P

*grins at my sillyness* Well...it's for spaghetti then.

Back to sleep.

She came back and I was still in bed (same position). Light kisses.

Wake up, babe. I got you some cream cheese and stuff to make cheesecake.

Oh? How nice of you...what did I do for you to be sucha darling to me?

*grins sheepishly and lovingly* Mmmm...well...you know...what you did to me...early this morning...

Huh? What...what did I do?

Gosh, so baaad... *still the sheepish grin* She then told me IN DETAIL of the bla bla bla that I did to her and bla bla zzzzzz...

...haiku of the bla...

rubbing on the face
lying sideway like foetus
that is how we sleep

rubbing and closer
rapid breath and moans I heard
sensuous thrust I felt

what time is it, babe
eyes still closed must be a dream
soft hand travelling

gentle and light kiss
are you hungry for it now
must be a yes moan

i know way around
feeling kissing in the dark
way down to the lust

sensing you want more
knowing from the moan and breath
give you even more

say I'm very bad
how bad can it be, baby
feel like ecstasy

it's a flood down there
wonderful and sweet you are
I love you, baby

yes, I do you know
feeling you on me as well
tired, drift to sleep


Then I woke up to the sound in kitchen, J's back from work. Asked (actually yelled from my room, so she could hear me...she can't come in my room when I'm in bed :P) if we're gonna make cheesecake. She's not feeling well. Oh. She took a nap.

She's up. I checked on her. Saw her looking at cheesecake recipe online! *sheepish grin* Oh, feeling better already. Can make cheesecake! She had a dream of cheesecake and me related - I was yelling at her for the cheesecake. Oh really! Bla bla bla... :P

We went (walked to!) Trader Joe's and got stuff for New York Cheesecake. On the way, saw an accident (happened already) at the intersection. Quite bad, head-on. Don't know how these people drive. Broad daylight! Complimented for her good vibes on 'traffic radar' (she strongly suggested that we walked to Trader Joe's instead of driving there), mine was very much tuned to 'gay-dar'. :P

Walked past Love Ones - a sex toy shop. Oh, 25% off, let's go in and get a dildo or something :P. No, you don't need that. See...25% off for lubes and gel. Ceh. Never mind.

Went in Barnes and Noble, walked past racks of magazines... Before I could touch the gay and lesbian mags she pulled me away. Aiyoo! But we did stop at the gay and lesbian section, wanted to check if they have Cunt, the book she recommended me to read (stories about women, not lesbian per se). Nope, didn't find it. I saw a book I wanna read - Crybaby Butch. Hehe... She hurried me away. Off to TJ! Saw some lipstick roses...mmmm...how I itched to buy :(

Akan ku beli jika si dia menjelma di pekan...boohooohooo...

Stopped by liquor store and got some goodies for a guest that's coming (but she changed her plan, some time later when we're busy making the cake).

As we don't have a blender and mixer for the cake, we did everything the 'ghetto' (quoted from J) way - the best way to 'cream' the mixture. So, I experienced the hard-but-fun way she and L had when they were making tiramisu for me (my birthday - they made me a cake I love, how very sweet and touching...). That time, I was shoo-ed away from my apartment!

Making food is like doing chemistry experiment - not difficult if you can follow the instruction ;) Ahhh, now let the heat do the work ;)

Yay, cheesecake! I'm drooling already... The whole apartment is smelling of it. Bet the whole corridor smells like it too :P

Monday, August 08, 2005

How my watch tells a story

Two weekends ago, B (the delivery guy at Panda) commented on how butch and tough looking my watch was, still is. Oh really? I didn't realize my DKNY metal watch could impose butchness (is there a word?). ;P He saw my reaction and apologized if I was offended. Well, no...but the opposite. Told him I'm half butch. He looked puzzled, later (a week later) confessed he's very shocked, didn't know what to say.

He came back from delivery, he excitedly told me those three gals (he delivered the food to) - just came out from shower, hardcore crazy and dirty lesbians, smoking marijuana. Oooo...I told him I wished I was there ;P. How fun that'd be! He said, no...I wouldn't wanna be there (eh, like he knows my type :P, but seriously, those AREN'T my type lah. Haha). T, the (packing) carryout auntie overheard our conversation in the kitchen and pulled a homophobic look (upon hearing shower and lesbian). Nah, she (still) thinks I'm straight :P

Innocently I asked, so what did they eat?. Oh, he then answered with a wicked grin. Yeah... Haha! ;P

So, he told me about the bars at Hamden - nice crowd, straight and gay. Aiks...the (party) animal inside me was growling. Haha ;P

On Saturday, I said lets go and check out the place, pick up some chicks :P. Haha. If she's straight, you can have, otherwise, she's mine. :P Great.

So I was bouncing in my seat in his cool Scion (with cool colorful lights installed below seats, hidden everywhere, make the car seems like a disco...oh, the sound system, blasted me way) to R n B and hiphop. I was yelling over the loud music at two cute ladies in the car next (slightly in front of us) to us. Haha... They didn't hear :(, if they did, I'd swear I'd turn into a 'shy lobster' ;P

Went to a Mexican bar (no mexican people, all whites). Talked, had beers, had margarita (me, not him - gay for him ;P and besides he's afraid he couldn't handle himself after tequila. Apparently tequila gives u another kind of drunkness :P. Uh huh), had burito (picked at his burito, I had plenty of food at Panda before that, he didn't eat his dinner at the restaurant, so I ate his portion as well... :P, mummy said not nice wasting food. True?). Aiyaa, come to think of it, it's rather dumb lah, huh - the way we acted, like a couple... How're we gonna pick up somebody? :P

He told me (actually yelling, bar music you know, and alcohol...) he's actually a lesbian - a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Yeah right... I asked his type - since we were at the what's-your-type subject (while checking people out). Big boobs? Nope, don't have to. Big bootie? Nope, not too big, not too flat. Huh? Like whose? Ermm...like yours.

*luckily it's kinda dark enough for him to notice my blushing* :P Haha.

He said I cracked him up. Amused him. Uh huh.

We went to the bar opposite. Had another Nati Bo (National Bohemian Beer, nice, in bottle), in can - aiks, bottled better. Said hi to two chicks... That's it, no further conversation...L in mind.


Left that bar with beer can in hand. Beware of cops! Not supposed to drink and walk here :P. Giggling away, taking pic by the bar, by the bench right nextx to a sleeping homeless (his mouth was opened, I didn't really look, but there might be some drool...ewwww), by the Baltimore crab (I struck a pose - beer can in hand, mischieviously fingering the crab's crotch ;P). Got into this bar called 'hon bar' (hoping would find lotsa hon there lah ;P). Another cute butch bartending, hehe. Eyes locked for a while but nothing happened. I didn't approach the bar, B bought me the beer. Hmmm...I wonder what would happened if I get something from her ;P

Live band playing there...acoustic guitars, bald man singing...saw a djembe there. So excited! Ah, how I itched. Saw a cute gal sitting on stool by the bar with her back facing us - saw the small butterfly tattoo on her left back shoulder and another tattoo on lower back right side...trying to figure out how big and what kinda tattoo's that. Band playing, I was watching the band and the drum and her. How I wish to hit and slap the skin. Ehem...the drum lah. Really! :P Aiyaa! Really lah, I mean the drum! The drummer couldn't slap, gee...I wished he did, the slapping sound ermmm...makes me excited. What?! Well, it sounds sex-y... ;P

Anyway, enough drinking. Sober enough for him to drive me home, sober enough for me to walk straight back to my apartment and back to my bedroom (and not J's room. choi!).

I passed out on my bed with my hair still wet from shower...


I was so mad when N called me, twice! when I was still sleeping. Gosh...I wondered what he wanted...at hoon (yeah, I'm sucha sleeping (babe) beauty, always waiting and hoping 'that' someone will kiss awake, yeah...all over til I 'explode' (whoa!) from the passion - my way of waking up, no snoozing, no annoying and monotonous alarm). I could have picked up the phone and @#$#$!&^% at him. Hem, hem... I could have picked up the phone in a very sexy sleeping voice (and make him excited, thinking...) and be nice. But I chose to ignore the call, chuck it under Patrick (the dog), swear under my breath, and went back to my sexy voice over passionate kissing with...hem, hem...a dream, okay? Oh, how sweet... Gee, got me excited already. Stop! Aiya!

He called again around 5pm, told me he's going to Sheppard Pratt - a mental hospital beside my Uni. He's gonna admit himself there, for about a week. Gee, what happened? "my brain's fucked up". Huh?! How...what...wait, he's been chanting alot (he told) and still he couldn't get over the stuff - depression? I'd really wanna know what's his prayer. He said everyone knew about the hospital, except me. Oh okay, nice of him to inform me... After all, I'm concern about him too, AND THE PERFORMANCE this Sunday! He's supposed to perform in a wind brass quartet at Baltimore Youth Fiesta/Festival/Cookout (organized by SGI-USA-Baltimore).

His call left me in guilt, somehow. I felt sorry for him... I couldn't possibly have driven him crazy, could I? I personally don't hink I'm the major cause/influence, but I dare not say I don't 'add' to his 'fucked-up-brain'. Look what I've done now... Urgh! I've been wanting to tell him I'm not interested and I just 'came out' from a...er...well, you know.

He called again, at night, from S.Pratt, telling me he's ok...but need to do some tests. How ok the not ok. Ironic-nya. Then he told me to spread the news to other members in our district - chant for him, visit him. Oh? How contradicting, didn't he say everybody knew, EXCEPT me?! I asked. He said no one knows, only me. Whoa... I nearly fell off my bed (hmm...what was I doing in bed, I forgot :P, oh yeah, reading lesbian book). Back to the story ;P, I hung up, thinking who shall I call to spread the news. Ok, I called Ms Love since she has known him for a very long time. She sounded casual (like a 'oh well...there he goes again' instead of a really concern and excited punctuated with a gasp). I asked. Then I knew, it's not his first time. I could sense that she's upset it happens again. Should we go visit him? I could also sense the reluctance. Never mind... If I go, it'll make his heart leap, do I wanna do that? What if he can't take the blow and drop dead just like that, eee!

It's Monday now. No phonecall. I hope he's still alive at S.Pratt.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

What a day!

SP is done, finally! No more screaming kids ;P. I was rather touched during the performance, not because (okay, maybe just a little) of the Session 3 kids but of how well and persevered and good (ehem... ;P) I handled these (whole 3 sessions) kids. Hehe. I read (perhaps heard of too) that we should seek joy/pleasure in whatever task(s) we're doing as though it's a training for our growth so it wouldn't be err...gruesome - it's gonna be worthy and self-satisfactory. In the end, the process should result a gain and instead of a loss. A gain in experience and learning (and money also lah :P).

Almost missed Beethoven's 9th Symphony Concert (performed by Baltimore Symphony Orchestra and Baltimore Choral Society) at Meyerhoff Hall downtown. You see, I was 'stuck' at Forest Hill until 6.15pm! N was already at my apartment, showered (he didn't have time to go homeo and shower, after work, you know) and waiting for me, while chatting with J. Urgh, kinda feel bad for my roomate. Anyway, I told J NOT to let him in my bedroom and hide my lesbian books away. Hey, he's kinda 'weird'.

Soooo, we're supposed to leave my apartment at 6.30pm - gonna park the car at his place and walk 20 mins to Meyerhoff. Argh! Come on, it's summer now and it's f-king hot outside and he'd like to walk all the way to the concert. We're gonna be sweaty and yucky and 'worked out' by the time we fucking get there! Right? That's not my plan/idea/desire to reach the hall at that state of being. We're gonna be hearing/watching/enjoying/witnessing the greatest symphony of all time. It would be inappropriate and disrespectful (oh yeah, think of having an appointment with a VVIP), right? He wouldn't f-king spent the parking money! Fine! Since I'd be late and I would really love to go for that symphony (instead of watching Koresh Dance performing at Maryland Arts Festival), I told told him I'd take care of the fucking parking fee. Besides, the concert ticket was free (for both of us) - his friend got him the tickets. So, at least I wouldn't have to burn a hole in my wallet ;P.

I got home at 6.55pm, only had enough time to wash my face, and fuck!, he used my towel! I was so mad. He got his own towel (I was sure, he told me he got everything needed for shower at my place). He didn't ask J or me if it's okay to use the towels in the bathroom! Gosh, even L doesn't...didn't use my towel. Ewww...his smell. Uuueeekkk! I had to re-wash my face and clean it with toilet paper! Who does he think he is? Am I paranoid? Tell me, if you're me how would you react? Well, I actually didn't yell and throw a tantrum at him, I just calmly said, "It's okay.", while I was boiling inside. $%^@#$%@#&#$%!

We got a good seat. High above, center. Wow...the hall is so grand and big. We got there just when they're playing the 1st piece. Phew! At least I've a bit of timie to settle down and prepare my mood for the highlight of the concert ;)

It's my first time going to Meyerhoff, also my first time experiencing the performance of 9th Symphony. How significant! I think I'd enjoy it more if N didn't lean toward me and try to enter my bubble :P

9th Symphony was superb. I was moved to tears :'( when the chorus and orchestra were playing Ode to Joy. It's like seeing/feeling a glimpse of light after darkness and despair and suffering. I was reflecting every note and phrase of it to my life - in a non-linear way. Great art could move you to tears. Likewise, great life (experience) could too - if it struck/touched you deeply.

Since I skipped dinner, I was starving after the concert. I was hoping to eat (and drink - like a celebration) at a cool restaurant/bar/pub with his friends (who were in the concert). I was hoping to meet new people. Since he couldn't get hold of his friends and being so boring and kiamsiap (he suggested tea at his place! I don't even wanna go there). Come on! I said I'd like to eat pizza, and he suggested 2 pizza places nearby - only carryout. Urgh! Before that, I was kinda 'hinting' Owl Bar, which is just around the corner. Is he that dungu? Huh, I completely lost my mood to stay out (with him) and told him to send me home. Urgh!