Monday, March 17, 2008

short note to bear in mind

I had a crazy weekend, it spanned from wednesday night-saturday night. I went out to clubs, 4 nights in a row. Taking my minds off something I guess. Confirming where should I go I guess.

I saw and experienced some human conditions, emotions, spur-of-the-moments, feelings swayed by the environment, decisions made out of conscience and moral values and meaning of love, life and relationships.

Wednesday night was fully devoted to T and how we can fully support each other with a strong bond. If dance is the ultimate way to express oneself, I love the way we move.

Thursday was full of freebies. I'm very grateful of the many people who love me for who I am. Free hook-ups on coffee, food, drinks. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Attentions I got was reassured of how strong and loved I am in the society/environment I put myself in. Kept telling myself that love is all around. However, sometimes love hurts...when you give too much. I worked that out in dance and at the gym later that night...

Friday night was another replacing someone off my mind--trying to forget and keeping it cool. Brought a cute cowboy marine out as my companion. Met J again. It was very hard not to dance and talk to her for her top that said "tasty peaches, homemade". I know where I was stepping on. Told myself not to do it. I kept my lips away due to respects, love and friendship. Cowboy had a blast with the L gals. Sent him off to Comfort Inn near me.

Saturday was another catharsis day. Loved and missed my drums at M's. Band practice provided another channel to lash it out. I don't know what or who I am without art, music, performance arts...although how much knowlegde or intellect I have in me. I chose to live life to fullest as a human, not a robot. Anyway, I brought cowboy to Sapphos at Central--showed him another gay scene. Protected him the best I could--standing up/defending his sexuality, commanded that he goes to the ladies room and teaching him to learn how to respect his seniors and the fine lines of dealing with people. I kept myself to my own pants although I could have blooped on a fine military lady. Respect and give. Sent cowboy back to Comfort Inn after carryout at McD. Thirsty, tired and hungry, BUT I'm very proud that we behaved.

Sunday was relaxing. Pushed myself to attend a big Buddhist meeting 40 mins away from home. I made it, although I was late. Duh. Sorry, but I can be a lazy ass baby. Hehe! Of all the things and spectacle I saw there, I was contemplating, reflecting, reminding and reassured of where I came from. I was truly touched by the some words--tolerance and generosity, that's the Buddhist way. I was very touched by various performances too--the kids' performance, youths walking across the stage (yes, peter brook said that even a person walking across the stage IS a performance) and pledging their resolution/goal in life and DC dancer's rendition/performance of the song "APOLOGIZE". Realizing that I have/should have a vast heart, I called K, M, L, C, D, L, S, J and Cl.

Although things might not go my way but I have enough love hugs and voice today to reassure that I'm a fabulous, multi-talented, cute and lovable person.

TOLERANCE and GENEROSITY weigh upon me, for now. :)

Friday, March 14, 2008

if dreams are made of...

if dreams are made of
my own creation
i must muster
my everything
to bring it to fruitation

you know
we're different beings
somehow there's resonance
good or bad
similar interest
do you deserve....

i want perfect level
perfect height
sitting or standing
are you there?

32 flavors of baskin robbins
you know your flavor
what flavor am i to you
i don't know if i can sacrifice other flavors
sticking only to one flavor
i'm willing to give my best

a journey starts with a step
stillness is the beginning of a movement
right here waiting
put your best food forward
let me see it
glistening eyes
let me see the happiness
no regrets

uncertainties in life
i understand it completely
do i embrace
and accept it
only with painful heart

if dreams are made of
my imagination
i won't be afraid
to surmount whatever comes my way
the vines grow strong and deep
as it age

ways of touch
literally or metaphorically
i know
how to touch
pushing the right buttons
i know how to keep the distance
just so you're comfortable
happy with my touch

intimacy can be felt
feet apart
longings can be felt
distance away
but oh boy
how i'm so wanton
securing myself

struggles keeping my soul
i'm such an angel
sacrificing myself til it hurts
the halo weighs upon my head
must be good

if dreams are made of...
i'd choose happiness and peace

Thursday, March 13, 2008

A Little Catharsis

I'm fortunate enough to have many channels for catharsis.

Lashing it out whether in front of the mirror, in the shower, running my fingers on the piano playing like a (romantic) maniac, drumming my soul away, drinking my ass off, working strenously at the gym, writing/typing my ass off, and/or making great/comfort food ARE my way of 'releasing'.

Does it take talent/skill for catharsis? Errrmmm...for me, it comes naturally. I guess it differs from individual to individual. You've gotta discover that's best for you, yourself. ;-P

Some people, however, DO need catalyst in this aspect. I don't know...but right now I'm sure that I can/will be providing the catalyst... If you find that I'm your kind of catalyst, feel free to hook up with me. bwahahahaha! fyi, i can be pretty crazy and MEAN! ;-P

I have something to say...perhaps better in poetry...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

If I don't use it, I lose it

I have been away...I put my pen down, somewhere. Feeling grateful to some people, I decided to sharpen my mind with readings and (yes!) penning down my thoughts and feelings.

Don't you think that when you are away from school for quite some time, books and writings seem a little bit awkward and rusty? I feel lazy to write. Sometimes I'm amazed at how slow I can scribble ugly handwriting!


I'm aware that I have a depth of knowledge within myself but sometimes summoning up information takes difficulty and errrr...embarrassment. Alcohol DOES kill brain cells... *sigh* However, discovering own writings written months/years ago brought back rememberance and reminiscence.

So I was telling a dear friend of mine, K, about my blog(s). She keenly and instantly looked it up with high curiosity. *chuckles*


I read it somewhere--the brain is the largest sex organ. I agree. Having constructive agreements/interests/points of views in conversation DOES turn one on in several aspects. Sometimes you don't even have to 'go there' but it is amazing how refreshing, lifting and empowering a constructive dialogue can make you. You are TURNED ON intellectually/mentally. I would say prefer this more although I DO like to being turned on sexually. Hahaha!

There's a distinction of being a human being and an animal... ;-P

So back to what I was trying to say. Showing her my penned thoughts has reminded me of how how HOW (slightly) different of me--now, and while I was in school. I can't help but feeling a little ashamed of how intellectually I am.

I'm a feeling and action person. Afterall, action speaks louder than words. However, no matter how you see it, I still think that you need to find an equilibrium between the actions and words...

Reading my own poems reminded me of my all-rounderness, my capability to exert my best qualities/skills and of WHO I AM.