Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Time and Space

There are certain paths on campus I thought I'd never cross again, because it's rather difficult (emotionally) and painful...thinking of her. I'd never (have to) go to her dorm again, NEVER. Argh, it's excruciating!

But I was there, gone up the flight of stairs that lead to her dorm complex. Still smells the same - sweet laundry smell that I used to smell, before her. Mesmerizing the moments. Ohhh... I should have gave my ride a 'harder' time - go to my apartment and get me! So, there I was, standing there for more than half an hour (agnonizingly), patiently waiting...urgh! Does she has to be that late?!

One of her close friend, A, bumped into me, and I was there, waiting. She must be wondering what the heck I was doing there, she gave me 'that look' like 'I know hwat you are up to' - the same look she gave me when L and I were seeing each other. Oh gawd...

Monday, September 26, 2005

Acting is Doing

Fun Class Assignment

This is an assignment where one's required to come up with 5 words as the responses from the fine art image. Also to pair that image with a music/sound one found suitable to evoke/suggest its world...

These were 2 of the images (apart from mine, heh :P) that I love so much, and I could look at them and imagine its world...the stories...or simply just adore and admire the beauty of 'action frozen in time'. Ahh...the beauty of the moment. :)

I feel 'connected' to this image. The person's 5 words were (who chose this) misplaced, lost...I forgot the rest, I was too wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions. :P However, my 5 (response) words are hurt, disappointment, unexpectedness, insecurity, and selfish.

I was ooohhing when this image was put up. His 5 words were happy, joy, mysterious, sophisticated and...I forgot. Well, my 5 words would be sexy, attraction, soft, sophisticated, and desire. Heh.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Clubbing at Downtown Baltimore--Iguana Cantina

Well, after 2 hours of intense badminton (where I let myself go--smashing every chance I got, targeting at opponents' body. heh :P), rushed home...showered. Shit, time was midnight. Light make up. Sexy lowcut (aah...yeah, decided to dress-up), braless. Eh, it's still warm, my 'engine' was still running from the intense exercise (sweating).

Arrive at 1am. Club closes at 2am. Dang! So, paid the full covercharge anyway--$15 (with free drinks, yup...all you can drink). Still packed. Saw college kid(s) being carried out--too drunk :P

Gay-dar activated. Heck, all were straight. It's kinda weird to see people dance like that--lap dance-y, you know...crotch-butt grinding. I unexpectedly caught in between and guys were pinning themselves at me, at us...went with 3 other gals and a guy (our pimp-cum-bodyguard-cum-driver). Americans! And so, I danced (tried to dance) like those Americans. Eeeek! Drinks spilling and I got wet. From the drinks, okay...nothing else :P I was wondering, my friends too, how come only guys were hitting on me... Eeeek!

Hungry after clubbing. Wanted to enter strip clubs but they're closed :( Dang! Okay, no nude gals to see. So we went to a 24hours Diner. So-called mamak. :P

Got home at 4am. Heck, I have a paper to turn in...why am I still blogging and NOT doing my assignment!? Think I'm gonna sleep...kinda tipsy...sleepy...


Thursday, September 22, 2005

Pelabuhan (Harbor)

Penantian yang tidak berpenghujung
Hanya deru angin
Hempasan ombak di batu-batu
Dan kicau burung menjadi temanku

an endless wait
just the sound of breeze
waves crashing on rocks
and the chirping birds were my company

Kapal bersilih ganti
Datang dan pergi
Dan aku masih di sini

ships one by one
came and gone
and I'm still here

Burung itu menegur
Sudah lama kau di sini
Apakah kau masih mahu menanti

the bird spoke
you have been here long
do you still want to wait



Ombak menyapa
Cukuplah penantian itu
Apalagi yang kau takuti
Pergilah kau dari sini

the waves uttered
enough with the waiting
what else do you fear
please go away



Angin menjerit
Dunia ini luas
Jangan kau pasangkan tembok-tembok konkrit lesu dan bisu di sekelilingmu
Hanya kerana penantian ini

wind shouted
the world is far and wide
don't you put up the weak and silent concrete walls around you
just because of this waiting



Duhai angin
Duhai ombak
Duhai burung

dear wind
dear waves
dear birds

Penantianku tiada berpenghujung
Walaupun berlabuhnya dia nanti bukan untukku
Aku cuma mahu kembali merasa
Secebis kasih itu

my waiting is endless
although when he/she sails not for me
I just want to experience
bits of the love

- written by Art and translated by lotsachi.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Mooncake Festival in the Foreign Land

I was surprised when J asked if my friend in Malaysia would snailmail me a mooncake again. Well...not anymore. We haven't talked for a period of time. So, no mooncake. But then I just talked to her! And she said she will 'deliver' me some mooncakes next month. My friend, A, didn't get me some in the Asian market when she went grocery shopping. Again, no mooncake!

The night before the actual day, I had a very festive celebration(-cum-my-farewell-dinner-with-O&S, I got laid off?!) where 20+ people gathered in a long table, chatting and joking loudly. Lobsters (oh yes! couldn't remember when was the last time I had one), jumbo shrimps, HUGE fish (yes! I sat right in front of the fish), oyster (they fried it, eeee...too rich, I prefer the one with the shell...fresh!), cuttlefish with vege, unlimited beer (I had only 1...too much good food to drink so much :P), etc. What a fun fun celebation. Never been in sucha LOUD (chinese) environment for a long time already. Amusing and warm...

Came back, looked out and saw the moon. So bright, so round, so full. I stood there for a couple of minutes, admiring...

Finally, the day's Sunday. I had my first bite of mooncake in Panda. I got lucky, the boss gave me one to enjoy at home, with J! ;) yay! I'd have a mooncake, tea, and full moon to admire and enjoy at night. With or without J. She slept early. I had to wait til 3.30am for the moon to 'appear' at my balcony. At last... I was tired and sleepy, but I already promised myself that I'd do it - date myself, enjoy the company of myself, lament to the goddess moon, Chang-O, about loneliness, longing, love, lust, L, life... (do u see all the L word?)

Long awaited moment
moon appeared in my balcony
almost dawn
i see beauty
how pure the moon
so clear so round so full so beautiful

enjoying delicious and 'precious' mooncake
dancing reflection of the moon in my tea mug
chill wind breeze
quiet night
occasional air-cond sound
stillness of the night

a moment to spend with loved one
admiring the moon
dark sky illuminated
twinkle little stars
distant satellite(s)
today, the world we live in
such simplicity
such complexity

tears gleaming in my eyes
tears rolling
sang 'yue liang tai piao wo de xin' (moon represents my heart) over and over
achingly longing

it's rather absurb
coldness and warmth of the heart
am I pure
am I full
am I round
am I beauty-ful
am I illuminous

"as you light now one, now another
spreading everywhere over the glooms
over the ugliness of the latter day
your light soon will generate the passion
to fire all our tomorrows...
touching people where they are...
I shall never forget..."
- Angels of Peace by Daisaku Ikeda

Thursday, September 15, 2005

and so...


Yeah, not thinking straight now. Think I'm gonna have a nap. Oh no! Too much work to do... Argh! What am I, how am I gonna perform this Saturday? A Senator will open the event! AARRGGGHHH! Someone, speak foreign to me! Speak French to me! Whatever European...

Urgh, so not thinking straight. Oh oh, lestening (not even typing straight) to a sexy woman singing in French in

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Couldn't afford napping

After class, went to Starbucks to read and get text from Ikeda Sensei's books of poems, Songs of Victory and Songs for My Heart. Spent 2 1/2 hours there, too cold! Packed and left. Saw roomate J with her Trader Joe's bag. Shopped with her, at the mall and TJ. Bought a skirt, not me, her! Would I spent money to buy a skirt? :P

While waiting for her trying on some skirts at GAP, I browsed around. And then...

Why would I thought of her, thought of buying her stuff when I shop...
GAP - LJF, get it?

Came back with heavy shopping bags. Since our bags were too heavy, we didn't stop by at Love Ones (the sex shop) to get a dildo. Haha!

Made dinner together. Fun cooking and eating together! ;) Spagetthi and wine. Yummm...



Early in the morning, babysitting baby A.
Did laundry.
Baby A left.
Pressed clothes.
Alter my new pants - handstitched (slip stitch; just learned it in costume crew, check out the pictures! boy, am I good or what :P).
Cooked lunch (instant noodle...hehe, okay, not so 'housewife-y').
Took a very long nap.
Worked on sound effects for Saturday's performance.
Microwaved dinner (lazy housewife).
Continued on sound effects.
Erotica bedtime stories...

Such Housewife-y

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Have you ever played that spooky game that connects you and your playmates to spirit/ghost, where you can ask any kind of questions to him/her (the spirit/ghost)? I remember when I was in Form 1 (13th Grade), I used to play this with my classmates. It was scary!

It involves a paper where you draw a house (just a circle you trace with a coin, and you label it as 'home' in Chinese character) and a YES and NO. There are 2 types. One you play with a coin (large enough for the amount of player's fingers - each put a finger on the coin), and another, you play with a pencil (long enough for everyone to hold it). Then you 'call' the spirit (the coin/pencil is 'at home'), there are some...I forgot. It's a mantra...I forgot! Once you feel it (the coin/pencil) moving out from home, you could ask anything. Hey, it moved by itself! Everyone swore they didn't move it, there was a force! The most popular questions were about if so and so likes so and so, if so and so will be together with so and so, if so and so will have children and how many, you and relationship and family stuff. And the coin/pencil will move itself to YES and NO. If playing with pencil, it would draw/write! And after you finished asking, you have to invite it back home. Throughout the time when the 'spirit is out' (not at 'home'), no one is allowed to remove his/her finger. They say the spirit would get angry and 'haunt'/'enter his/her body' the 'mistreatment' or disrespect. There were times the spirit/ghost just wouldn't go home, and you, we, have to persuade him/her to go home so we can remove our fingers and get back to class! :P

I wanna play this game again, and ask the above questions. Oh, it sounds ridiculous but I...I want to know. I could use some extra help from the spirits/ghosts. ;P

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Made up vs. Reality

I was born in Malaysia. In Malaysia, I'd never been in a serious relationship before. Once I came to US (for studies), suddenly it's a whole new world to me. It's absolute freedom from my parents! And family. Having educated in all-girls school had made me fond and comfortable being surrounded by females. I'd rather choose a female as a comany rather tan a guy. It's not like I hate guys but I just prefer girl. Smeels good, clean and understanding ;)

I found my first love, Christy in Washington DC. We were in the University together. After knowing her, I was so happily in love and I became really obsessed with her. I felt like I'd give the whole universe for her. Love her deeply, truly :)

Looking back to this short piece of writing I did in 2002 for my monologue character is a SHOCK to me. Yes, the 'monologue' I just posted. Now that I'm here, there seems to be no way to sight a palm tree. Bad 2002. :P Heck, how would I know!

My my my!

I found and DID this! in 2002!!!

I've never been what you'd call a morning person.

I'm the kind of person who wakes up so stunned by sleep I can't remember my own name. But now it's starting to become my favorite time of the day.

The difference? It's her.

Now I get to watch her slide out of the sheets into the new day. Her legs - they're always longest in the morning. I've never known anyone who could be so naked before! She's not in any hurry to do anything about that nakedness. Even though she wears the same thing every day. It's a little present she gives to me, this time. Her standing, back to me, light coming through the palm trees running over her swimmer's shoulders like river water poured through cupped hands.

That's the moment I remember who I am.

Then she swings around to face me, and Jesus! I'm blinded.

Whatta set of knockers!

Now I know why they call them headlights. Until I started going out with her I never realized : tits can be a source of light!

She doesn't even own a bra. Once I asked her why, and she said she didn't believe in them!

I asked her if she worried about her tits falling. She said, "No." She figured that was my job. To catch her tits.

I can be a hard worker!

I'm not particularly known for it, but I can be. So every day I just do my job. I do what I can to start a little landslide in the tit department, and then I scoop them up, using my hands, my mouth, my pussy, whatever's handy.

- excerpt from Clit Notes by Holly Hughes

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Babysitting Aarden

Oh cute Aarden

Random Thoughts

Felt festive this morning, afternoon at our early-Thanksgiving party. Awaiting the arrival of guests. Hard time picking on what to wear. Will my invited friends come.

How come there's another LJ. What's with the connection. Why this is happening. A sign. A fate. A play. A joke.

Still in memory. Phone memory. Her asset. Voice. Brought tears to my eyes. Heavy heart. A grief. Alone(liness). Still in memory.

The flirt. The feeling of shyness and courage at admitting and telling what's felt. A reminiscence.

Did as I expect the presence. Heart and soul, feelings and desire poured into the making of the grass jelly drink. Your favorite. Urge to reach out. Cheer you up (if you make your unexpected expected presence). Make you smile. Mutual gush. Did as I felt the need to do something for you to be happy, thrilled, enjoying every single moment and drops of the drink. 1.40am and a glass of grass jelly is waiting for you (refer to the picture). Silence hurts. Ignorance kills.

Running dry on creative ideas. Want me to play director. Back to before. What to do for the future generations. How to perform, again.

Frustration. New co-workers. Looks like relatives. Love or hate. Why stick to the bear. I am struggling. Foolish act. Felt a sense of gratitude. Can't do it. Not yet.

Doubtful of mother's ability. Should I or should I not. Not a very good daughter. Am I going to hurt her with my decision(s). Am not accustomed of her being so near, in my life.

I have discovered my bubble.

Kinda in stress at new working environment. Enjoying the excitement. The rush. Adrenaline pumping. Money is good. Dinner (for employees) sucks.

Playing mahjong (chinese tiles) can be real fun, and ADDICTIVE. Contemplating thoughts on the withdrawal from being too drawn...

Early Thanksgiving Party

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Understanding Cunt

Reading Cunt provides deep understanding about women, sexuality and my own errr...*blushes* cunt. I just read the part where it touches on how to see your/my own cervix. Yup, do-it-yourself method. Ouch!

You know how at a certain time of the month, you'd 'misbehave' whether it's your temper (so called PMS), food craving (any kind), preference (suddenly you just like something, no reason - ie. feeling like dressing up sexily and go wild dancing), instinct (you JUST know something people don't know you know), sensitivity (breasts)...

It's a WONDER - at different time of the month, the cunt looks, smells, tastes and behaves (more like response) differently. Serious! Take picture (whoa!) or look in hand held mirror. Taste it. Smell it. Touch it. DIY or have your partner do it for you. ;) Biology experiment not in the school textbook! :P

In the context of cunt, it's proved that humans are much more complex than plants with the look, smell, taste and touch. Human cunts can never be the same in those four aspects. Flowers (same species) can smell the same!

Cunt tells me when exactly one is ovulating. Like the exact moment that you can feel 'the egg' - slight twinge of pain in the lower abdomen.

"A woman's body releases an egg once a month. The egg sits around in your uterus, waiting for some sperm to show up. It is not stupid. After 12 to 24 hours, it figures no sperm's gonna take it on a hot date and it makes an exit without further ado." - Inga Muscio

I felt like having tomyum. And so I cooked one, had it in my balcony with an ice coffee. Hot, spicy and sour! Tomyum happens once a month (more likely). Heh :P

Ok, I'm ovulating now. And you (more or less) can understand why I blog this... ehem :P