Nooooo...not again!

J: "I've something to tell you. I'm gonna move out in the middle of May."

*silence*

me: "Why! *sad face, lump in throat/chest* Why leave me? Why so early! Why now..."

I can't believe it. She just made me dislike spring even more.

*slumps*

Last spring (towards the end) I was dealing with L. And now...I've to face another lost. I just don't know how I can bear these. The gals I've grown fond of and comfortable to...

*heavy chest*

Call me sentimental. Extremely. Tell me it's no big deal, they'll still b around. Yes, but won't be so close.

I was drumming on my brand new conga after the conversation with J. As I drummed and got into the rhythm, I was so emotional that I cried and trying to push those mushy and heavy emotions away...drummed for strength, inspiration, hope and resolution. It's healing. But I need more 'dose'. My arms were hurting but not as much as I hurt inside.

It's very painful to deal with parting again, IN SPRING!

I look ahead...oh gosh...will there ever be a spring that I'd look forward to? Will there ever be a wonderful gal who'd bloom right in front of me and wrap me around lovingly, supportingly and nurturingly in her soft and comfortable petals?

*takes a deep breath, wipes tears off cheeks*

Gals I Want...befriend

"You are such a giving person, do you know that?" -Dr J.

True, I would sheepishly admit that. I'd do that pay-it-forward thing. I've certainly had some takings (in various aspects in my life) and I don't mind giving to people that I love.

I can be very stingy and generous at the same time--to different people.

Should there be 'a shrimp hiding behind a rock' (from the Malay proverb--udang di sebalik batu) in this taking and giving concept? Yes and no. You go figure out.

I felt silly sometimes in reaching out--giving, and ambiguous of my wanting. But then, at the end of the day...I'd tell myself...reminding myself that I should cherish the friendship connection/relationship instead. Friends are treasure in life. Hence I shouldn't be too calculative in 'exchanging' treasure for treasure (not that one can really buy friendship). It really boils down to SINCERITY and GENUINE love.

I have recently (gone far out) wrapped a big rose bouquet for a gal, LL. My cyber lesbian friend already yelled at me, "she's STRAIGHT. STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT!" a couple times but I still...you know, 'treasuring' her in an 'unfriendly' way.

Great OLD (expensive) wines. Expensive restaurant. Home-cooked meals. Flowers.







"You are very nurturing." -Dr J.

Is this a bad quality to have in a person? It's unbelievable someone would describe me that. If I'm so nurturing, why the gal I love not reciprocating?

*shakes head*

Sometimes I just want to cry at what I've done, what I have and what I don't have.

Pampered and Spoiled

One of the reasons I have been MIA recently is having myself pampered and spoiled with great wines and great food. Yeah, wines...you know the 'after effect' :P Nah, not that I drink til I get drunk, but you know...after drinking, I'd rather go to bed (alone! ah, although I don't mind a hot chick in bed with me ;P) than stay up and write/type/blog.

A list of crazily EXPENSIVE (French) wines I've had over these (MIA) days:

1.) 1982 Chateau Lynch Bages, Grand Vin Grand Cru Classe, Pauillac. (red)
2.) 1989 Puligny Montrachet Les Folatieres, Leroy. (white)
3.) 1996 Puligny Montrachet Les Folatieres, Leroy. (white)
4.) 1994 Gewurztraminer, Domaine Zind Humbrecht. (dessert - white)
5.) 1988 Chateau Climens, Sauternes Barsac. (dessert - white)
6.) 1980 Chateau Climens, Sauternes Barsac. (dessert - white)
7.) 1995 Pic Saint-Loup, Chateau de Cazeneuve. (red)
8.) 1975 Chateau Leoville Poyferre, Proprietre Ste Cle des Domaines de St. Julien.
(red)
9.) 1982 Vieaux Chateau Certans, Pomerol. (red)
10.) 1991 Dominus. (red)

Most of the whites I had with appetizers - clams, crab cakes, linguine (with clams) and lobster, and the reds - NY strip steak, chicken (with brown sauce..."yes, it goes well", said the wine connoiseur), duck and ribeye steak. The dessert wines with tiramisu, con panna, creme bru lee and cheesecakes.

The food alone had cost about $700. The wines...omg, if I tell you the least expensive one (yes, the youngest one) costs about $200, do the math. Of course I didn't eat and drink all the above in ONE dinner :P

Ahhh...I've died and gone to heaven multiple times! LOL

When I told Dr J I wanted to learn more about wines, I didn't mean I want to be spoiled. BUT since there's no way to learn how to distinguish a great and a bad wine EXCEPT to try them... hehehe... ;) You'll never know what's good and what's bad until you've experience them - this applies to mostly anything.

It's been very fortunate to be able to learn and enjoy all these. Other than eat and drink, we had alot of intellectual, spiritual, fun, brilliant, philosophical, artistic and deep conversations.

Ever read that book 'Tuesdays with Morrie'? I feel that way--the eagerness and compassion to learn more about life from a brilliant old man (unlike Morrie, Dr J is not sick). Hanging/going out with him no doubt raises eyebrows BUT if they look closely, I'm actually so gay (butchly feminine lah) :P

We do look out for gals ;) That's the fun part. Sometimes he can be sucha dirty old man! Eeeeek, tak boleh tahan. Well, not like he touches, but you know...thinking about it. Choi...I tried not to think about that, didn't want to 'flood' the restaurant/bar.

If you read Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler, you'll know the 'flood' story. :)

I think if a guy try so hard to introduce some of the good lady friends he knows to one, one should really appreciates him. Moreover, he's sucha wonderful giver! Oh, this doesn't mean I'm a taker, I also 'give' in this platonic relationship. As I mentioned, I'd rather go to bed after spending time with him--too tired from alertness and concentration given to him! I wonder if he feels the same exhaustion by all the talkings... :P