(Why) Should I Care

Sunday

Took off for a strike (in theatre, to 'strike' means to take off everything from the production done - the lights and sets). I was being...ermmm...bad, and so I was late. (Why) should I care. IT'S WORTH IT!

Lighting strike finished early than expected. Went home, ahhh...the weather was just perfect - clear sky, cool air, nice weather. Perfect to sit at Starbucks and look (and be looked) at people. (Why) should I care. I FELT LIKE IT.

Didn't go Starbucks but created a 'Starbucks' at my balcony. Laptop and hot coffee and lounge-radio.com kept me company. Watching sunset. Oh, watching the colors in the sky...the silhouette of the trees...the turning into darkness. (Why) should I care. I LOVE IT!

Dinner planned by W. So, there's this website that tells you the picks of the week in town. You know, pubs, cafes, movies, restaurants, etc. Since he was very into 'the pick of the week', we (me, JJ, and X) agreed to his choice. A restaurant called 'Neo Viccini: Bar and Grille' located at N. Charles St, downtown (Baltimore). The picture in its website looks kinda sophisticated and high class. The price (he strongly suggested that we check it out, online) was okay. (Why) should I care. I'M A POOR STUDENT BUT I WANT NICE THING IN CHEAP-PRETTY-WORTHY (Cantonese says 'pheng, leng, jeng') PACKAGE!

We got there. Like the pic we saw online - nice decor. The crowd - 70% senior citizens. We had to wait for a table! Ok. So we waited to be seated right in the middle of the restaurant. (Why) should I care. LOCATION - ATTENTION, COME ON!

The price was exactly as we saw online. We ordered some appetizers and main entres. Heck, the shrimp coconut thingie with mango sauce (USD6.5) came...and ONLY 3 SHRIMPS! Not even the jumbo ones! I had a weird crab tomato soup (costs USD5!). I had a chicken penne. Urgh...to make the long story short, all our entres were tasteless. And we had to wait more than 30 mins for our food to come - it wasn't even packed when we got seated! (Why) should I care. I EXPECT MY USD19 FOR A DINNER WELL SPENT!

Drove to Inner Harbor to see the lights of the city by the water, at Federal Hill. The moon was kinda big, in orange color, half-moon shape. Walked around, took some pics...ahhh, JJ brought her camera with her. (Why) should I care. 'A' MEMORY!

Wednesday

I almost couldn't sleep last night. Thinking of where I'd be going at night. Spent the day feeling, funny and anxious. The day before Thanksgiving. The restaurant was kinda packed. Yeah. I was busy running in and out, spinning around - working. Focus, Chi, focus. (Why) should I care. THE MONEY IS IMPORTANT!

My roomates left me alone in the apartment. Off they went - Florida and NY. All by myself...in the apartment. I didn't sleep that night. Wasn't at my apartment. Off to a friend's place. (Why) should I care. BEING AT THE MOMENT!

It was snowing! What a wonderful moment! It's unusual to have snow in November. Come on, it's still fall/autumn. But I've always love snow. Yes! Hahaha...I was smiling happily walking home in the snow. (Why) should I care. NEED TO CELEBRATE THE EARLY SNOW!

Haikus of the night

You are so damn sweet
Coming fetching and talking
Driving in the snow

What you think about
Snowing, darkness of the night
Oh boy, what a sight

Hands on piano
Moonlight represents my heart
Song I played for you

Watching you watch me
Oh boy I love that song too!
Oh I love it too

Maybe I should stop
Should keep my hands to myself
Let's do something else

Let's turn off the light
Oh what a boring movie
Talking through the night

Sleepless night I/we had
Not with body next to me
Feel the warmth, my dear(?)

See something in dream
Going back in memory
Very astonished

Tell a dream I dreamed
Feeling stroking and touching
Getting weird response

A flood you may call
Alarm is ringing loudly
Get your ass up, chi

Again you're so sweet
Fetching me to Potomac
Thanks, will make it up.

Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving! It's Thursday and...(why) should I care. I was ermmm...bad. I broke a wine glass. :P I made a very sexy dessert - strawberries cut purposely (or not!) in a shape of vagina and nicely decorated in a snow white plate (thanks, cousin MW for the trouble of finding the plate I prefer as a nice 'bed' for my errrmmmm...dessert). He then pour some white stuff - some kinda unsweetened milk over those berries! Oooohh boy, great. It tasted very weird. But I swallowed the ehem...berries and white stuff anyway. LOL. (Why) should I care. YOU DO KNOW THAT STRAWBERRY MAKES ONE HORNY!

Friday

Slept for just 1++ hour. Crazy friend, A, called just 1+ hour after I fell into sweet dreams. URGH! Made me awake after that til it's no point going back to sleep - have to get up, leave the house, send my aunt to the airport, go shopping (YAY!) with cousin MW. (Why) should I care. IT'S THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY!

Went to an outlet mall, Arundel Mills - a big 'spread-out' (everything in ground floor, literally) mall. Oh boy, look at the discounts! It felt bad not to buy. So I (and MW) shopped til we dropped. :P I've neva felt so good...you know, the feeling of shopping...buying like crazy...everything seemed like a necessity. :P I ended up with a very nice (Matrix-like, something to keep me warm and still look great) jacket/coat/outer-wear and a black turtle neck from Benetton; 4 small tees from Guess; and a nice reversible top from Dana Buchman at Saks off 5th Avenue. I saw a very nice (half price!) leather jacket from Calvin Klein! MW made me terribly guilty at the thought of buying it. Soooo...I tried it on...felt how soft the leather was on me...how hip and COOL and butch I looked in front of the mirror! and I put it back. :( (Why) should I care. KEEP THE MONEY FOR RAINY DAYS.

I've been bad lately. (Why) should I care. SUE, SPANK ME, WHIP ME! ;P

What I've Learned...

1. A fun, delicious, sweet (DEFINITELY not sour - my poor sensitive teeth), satisfying and (still) healthy way of drinking orange juice is to make it into a FUZZY NAVEL.

2. 'Buying' lottery can be free and exciting, and REWARDING (of course).

3. Beauty of nature can be found and be deeply appreciated and admired from my balcony.

4. A kiss is usually both anticipated and then enjoyed. But then it is not anticipatorily wanted in the right way, it can seem to be no more than an (unpleasant) physical sensation.

5. Absence from acting/rehearsing in a few months could evoke a sense of alienation, awkwardness, fear of one's ability to improvise and play around, uneasiness...

6. Texas Hold 'Em. Uh-huh. With chips, not the strip version (not yet).

7. Being generous (not necessarily in monetary, other aspects as well) is a sign of maturity.

8. Better observant skills (with gay-dar on...of course :P)

9. Absence creates longing and how to steer these 'swelling' emotions into growth.

10. I felt like my father, wanting to behave like my father, but...urgh, do I want to?

Clearly Marked

Saw a play just now. Been anticipating to watch this solo performance about being transgender, and a Jew. I 'peeped' during the tech before the show. :P Curious to know whether it's a she or he. He-she? She-he? Well...a gentleman butch. A fat gentleman butch.

There's no mention of he or she in the program note. Just Bear. The name is Bear. Bear's joke of (sorry, I don't know how to write without using he or she, so I'm gonna stick with SHE) being fat was funny.

"I never had a problem coming out as fat. People assume that I am from the way I look. No questions ask. No need to agonize of how to tell my parents that I am fat."

LOL.

"Having penis doesn't mean you're a man. Having a vagina doesn't mean you're a woman."

"You have a penis but behave like a woman. You're transgender."

"You have a vagina but behave like a man. You're transgender."

"Raise your hand if you have a penis and you cry during sad moment. You're transgender! *pointing at the audience* Transgender, transgender, transgender."

"Raise your hand if you have a vagina and you shout out loudly when you're pissed. You're transgender! *pointing at the audience* Transgender, transgender, transgender."

My gosh, what a revelation! I'm transgender! Everybody's transgender!

:) Ehem...

"Being a gentleman, I take my time pressing my shirt and pants, shining my boots, and tying my tie, straightening it."

Heck, I was the only one wearing a tie in the audience. Dressed up like Shane (in the L word) -- long sleeve white shirt (pressed!), nice shiny fashionable solid dark blue tie, dark blue jeans... Aiyoo, I'm transgender!!!

Well, next time I'll be a femme when dressing up for an occasion. :P

Back to the play.

"I married a femme. And I love her with all my being."

Awww...

"People tend to cover things up. You're actually an oxygen. But the oxygen is covered with hemoglobin. The hemoglobin is covered with blood. The blood is covered with skin. The skin is covered with clothes. The clothes is covered with designer labels. And there you are - Abercrombie and Fitch."

LOL.

"Being transgender, it's another different category. Some lesbians do not want you to mess with 'their girls'."

Contemplating... Kinda complex, huh. :)

She had all these labels sticked on her shirt. JEW, FAT, LESBIAN, GENTLEMAN, GIRL GENTLEMAN, BUTCH, DYKE, DAUGHTER, SISTER, BAD, DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT...etc.

"People just like to label."

She looked at her black T-Shirt (with 'affix label here' written in the middle, originally) now covered with labels.

"But what do you see beneath these labels?"

*pause*

She took off her shirt and threw it aside. Letting us all take in the half-nudity.

Terbeliak mata I.

I was shocked. That was my first theatre show - seeing (some) nudity. Eh, strip club doesn't count, okay! Breathe, Chi, breathe.

She then wrote something on the stick-on note, and tap it on her bare breast (over the small tattoo she has on her left breast).

The word was LOVED.

Lights faded out slowly...

Party, anyone?

J: Hey, do you have to work this Saturday?

Me: No. Why.

J: Are you free in the afternoon?

Me: Ermmm...maybe. What time.

J: Like late afternoon.

Me: Oh...I have to go to DC.

J: Do you really have to go? You should come to the party with me. I bet you'll love it.

Me: *raises eyebrow* Huh? Nah, I really have to go to DC. My friend from Japan is coming and I'm organizing an exchange meet with her, her friends (from Soka University Japan) and Soka Gakkai Student Division members here.

....................................................................................


K: Hey, are you free this Saturday between 4.30 - 7.30pm?

Me: Erm...I'm going to DC. Why.

K: Awww...you're gonna miss the great party.

Me: I can't go to the party...why does it have to be this Saturday.

K: You have to come, it's a sex toy party! You'll love it! *wide grin*

Me: Huh? *heartbeat accelerates* Well, I don't play toy with strangers, especially if it's a sex toy. :P

Something Big in FYI

Now I'm sitting here, wondering if my immediate family is that torn apart. No, not so harsh...say...broken. Yup. Why didn't I get the big happy news of what's going on in MY family from my own sibling(s)? Instead, I knew about the event from my aunt - an FYI email (cut and paste some more, from another 'gossiping' (opppsss...better say 'keeping you abreast of things happening') aunt back home.

As I read what's going on in the email, I felt like a stranger. Yes, it's a great news indeed. A bungalow - a big shelter for the family, and everyone (relatives) is welcome to stay if visiting. Plenty of rooms. How many in exact? No idea. Just from the description I had - it's big.

It's kinda irony for a Chinese daughter to feel this way - I don't 'belong' to that house/home. Of course I'd be welcome even if I arrive at the doorstep unannounced. But which category would I be placed? Immediate family or big family?

It's not my home. My home is...I don't know. How would you define home? I think I'm 'homeless' and yet 'home-ful'.

I need a hug.