(re)Discoveries

I was 'commissioned' to create a performance (again) for the SGI-USA Baltimore Youth Festival. I've been part of the planning/working committee of this event. I was deeply flattered my suggestion of the theme was used - 'a day of discovery'. Initially, it was supposed to be very collaborated and outreached (to other religious groups, diverse community) and also very festive (vendors and stuff). Being in the planning group (I was in performance committee. There were food, arts and crafts, exhibition, games, clean-up, marketing/advertising/publicity committees) made me aware and learned much about the process of creating such an outdoor event like this, here in USA. Some things weren't properly organized and collaborated (of course, we're all humans and such amateurs :P). But in the end, these are invaluable knowledge of dos and don'ts in the future. :)

I was requested to perform the May 3 performance I did with L for this festival. However, it's not possible. She couldn't make it. Futhermore, it's not really suitable for such space and environment. No doubt it was a GREAT, meaningful and impressive performance but it didn't seem right. The performance we created was specifically for an indoor space and requires a multimedia screen. The objectives of that piece were to instill mentor and disciple spirit, promote human revolution and awareness of individual mission and inspire hope and dream. :) With a touch of American flavor ;) I mean, targetted at American audience/members.

I decided to create a solo performance. Something fusion. Butoh and Noh inspired dance theatre. While I was crafting, planning everything in my head (for quite a long time), I was kinda lost of what and how to create another impactful and interlayered and artistic and simple and beautiful and breath-taking performance to best serve the 'discovery' theme. How (in what approach) should I use/employ the text 'Strategy of the Lotus Sutra'. I was so drifting in a wide (sometimes stormy, sometimes calm) sea. How could I not...with the happenings taken place this summer.

With some ideas and directions in my head, I finally decided to work/draft and re-doing the draft to perfection. I searched and listened to wide selection of songs (samples, online). I was crushed when the music editting software I had didn't work. Some softwares downloaded didn't work as well. I looked everywhere, downloaded stuff and testing everything - anything to do with designing my soundscape. Finally I found one - AM Sound Edittor and Recorder (that allows me to record anything I hear through my audio card. Wow! I could then 'borrow' the short clips of music I hear in Amazon). So the compiling and editting started. Choreographing Butoh wasn't a difficult task. Soon, everything fell in place. I even got a collaborator - CM for my piece. She's a harpist. With her doing the music live, it created more impact to my (our) performance. 2 performances happening at the same time, on the same stage could be connected to each other, or not. I made it to be like a 'happy accident' and let the magic of theatre take it from there. Very discoveri-al, huh. Is there a word? Hehe...

Nobody knew how my piece looked like. The committee gave me full trust and confidence that whatever I create would be truly wonderful and great. Do I like this kinda freedom? Yes and no. Yes - I could do whatever I want. No - I need constructive feedbacks and criticism. Back in Malaysia, the committee ('people above', hehe) would have turned purple if they don't know what's happening of such and such, in such and such. ;P

I was so nervous and stressed of my performance. It's my first solo performance (it's still my solo performance although there's another being on stage performing with me) debut outdoor, in front of Americana audience, in front of hundreds of strangers at the park! On the day, I think there's only around a hundred people (our target was 300). I was so stressed over my studies and finance too. Couldn't sleep at night, felt something's pressing me down so hard (the burden on my back and shoulder), no appetite, 'losing' myself with alcohol (not to the drunk state, just tipsy :P), sleeping til afternoon - not wanting to get up and face the reality. Urgh. What a life state. I should chant. I know.

"to accept is easy, to sustain is difficult..." - ND.

I was trapped in my own little world - sometimes strong sometimes vulnerable. Well, strong outside, vulnerable inside. A very humane thing everybody possesses whether they realize it or not, admit it or not.

So yesterday, Aug 14, it was the D-day. It's summer now. Humid yesterday. We're out. Luckily I'm very accustomed to hot and humid weather. Didn't have any problem or uneasiness. But poor some 'angmohs' :( A butoh performance outdoor, on a very hot stage floor made it even more butoh, for me. Butoh's about body in crisis, dance of the darkness, body at edge, beauty within the ugliness/darkness. Doing butoh to an open sky, huge field, lake was very profound. I realized and truly felt how wide and open the world is...how could I still surpressing myself over my dilemmas and crisis? Anyway, back to the performance. It was greatly admired, praised, and perceived by the audience. I felt closer to the Gakkai community here - more people. I succeeded in touching, inspiring, moving (to tears), spreading my messages/philosophies (within my piece). I felt victorious. Mostly victorious over my alienation of stress that I was feeling. Yes, an ability a great actor should possess. I (re)discovered that I could still 'alienate'.

I wanted to celebrate my success. W was there, for support. Good old W, always there when I need him. What a great friend :). We went to Inner Harbor. We reserved a table at Cheesecake Factory Restaurant (fancy! by the water, good looking people ;)) I treated myself with an iced americano at Starbucks at Barnes and Noble (the cool and big bookstore by the water) while reading lesbian novel and ehem...erotica ;P Had our fancy dinner (I had grilled mahi-mahi. It's a fish. Not very good...not very smooth - the flesh). Went to 'The Block' - a block where the gentlemen's clubs are. Walked in to the Pussycat Club. A woman was checking me out (oh boy!). And the dancer was nude! Then we left, went in and out - checking other clubs. Finally, I 'persuaded' W to go back to Pussycat Club, have a beer and see ONLY 2 gals/dances (have to tip them after they danced, it's expensive to stay long). I had a brief eye contact with the second dancer. And she was flashing her....at us. And she's damn horny... Errr...yes. Very. I was shocked. Pulled on my poker face :P Later she came to us (asking for tip lah) and chatted with us, me. Flirting with me. Yes! Later, she touched my boob, argh! Her excuse to do that - checking my tan line. Oh yeah, back track, one of the bouncers asked if I'm looking for a job there. Wow...I'm 'that' sexy?! Yeah. Err...no. :P

There you go...a very long discovery experience(s).