my TOS experience

it's been more than a month ago since 'the other shore' (TOS) ended. of course, i have been wanting to blog but i was so filled with the ermm...depression and emptiness and disappointment that i didn't. and then on top of that, i shifted my attention and focused on my solo performances, assignments, research paper and exam.

in TOS, i've overcame and grown as a person, an artist and a student. in that course of time, i've played many roles...and not just in the show. i tried my best to grit my teeth and endure the hardship, to 'swallow' everything that's nasty and harsh - to perform my best, to bring out my fullest ability and character. yes...stress can shape one's character. to be able to endure the stress and become the brightest diamond, the sharpest sword. did i throw a tantrum in that period? lemme think...i don't think so, i'm a very internal person and i chose other channel to let myself out. luckily i have the drum ;-) and the badminton ;-) to @#$^! in my work. hehehe... of course, to find the balance, the center was important, and still is very important. NMHRG!

i was hoping to be chosen as a one of the three nominees for irene acting award for KCACTF but then i was crushed. so crushed that i didn't get chosen. ok, so i'm not the greatest 3 actors. again and again i asked myself why. why me, why not me. perhaps i shone, as a musician more than as an actor. and perhaps, to be specific, american actor. good but not good enough. it didn't take me long to overcome this (fell down, stand up again). i figured i've other works to do. i figured i need to shine more in my other works...my solo performances.

at the closing night of TOS, it was like a celebration for the cast - the end! hahaha... i was so tempted to 'let go my boundary' and get crazy and wild with the gals, but i didn't. yes! i'm strong! not to be swayed by current 'devillish' circumstances. i was attacked by boobies! hahahaha... i love it! i showed that i loathed it but i loved it! the ladies knew that...they presented me the 'boobs lover' award. hhmmmm...i miss those days. those dressing room moments. i've grown closer to some of the ladies...i like the chats...but now, after everything's over - we're kinda like drifting apart. i don't like this. relationship needs constant working on - i'm aware... time didn't permit the get together again. studies... end of the semester... winter! urgh!

i was so happy when SZ called to informed about the production being chosen to participate in the KCACTF. i pushed everything away to make it to the festival. i was ecstatic about it. so excited. and i really felt it's not fair that we all couldn't go just because a few couldn't make it. after a few days, that strong feeling was 'washed away'. we're a team. i was just being childish. it's very complex to bring the show too. oh well...at least we're recognized (by a few...).

it's finally over and i wouldn't be seeing S. i missed those opportunities. but then, should i be so daring and straight forward? obviously i was being too much. but it's happened. i've done it. said it. back to my solo, back to soul-search, back to my values, back to my self-worth, back to my background...i said it myself over and over again - 'love that is worth the wait'. i should stick to my values and belief system. not many people noticed the diamond. i revealed myself and that person just didn't pick it up. i've nothing to say... why would i make myself so cheap? i'm so much worth it. yes, live a poetic life...

for pictures of the production, see www.towson.edu/theatre
look for 'the other shore'. i was the actor behind the dogmasked (playing dogskin plaster seller), the drumming monk and one of the mannequins.

i love TOS. i felt so priviledged to be the only chinese in a chinese play (trans. into english). i really truly miss it... i worked with a great cast, great director and great crewmembers. 'tears flowed in my heart'.