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Moral Education (anyone?)

2009-10-16T03:49:00.002-04:00

you'd take things for granted as you grow (older) UNTIL some incidents hit you hard and bring you to some contemplations and revelations.

i've been in the US for more than 5 years. i have observed enough to share what i wanna say now.

to most malaysians, our education system might seem not so perfect in bringing us up as the model human being. yes, one can always argue his/her way on this subject. as a non-malay malaysian myself, to have moral education as one of my 'required' subjects to study seems like any other subjects--to educate me as a whole (good) person...especially living in a multiracial country....ummm...how to behave appropriately, morally. ;-)

for those who doesn't understand our education system. moral education is part of the main subjects to study since 1st grade-11th grade (it's in the standardized nationwide examination!). and what do we study?

The moral education curriculum is designed around ten values:

physical and mental cleanliness,
- cleansing is a must. not just because we're near the equator where the weather is always hot and humid :-P

consideration,
- consider others' need and feelings. be compassionate and put oneself in others' shoes

moderation,
- do not boast. do not take advantage of the weaker ones. i have one in chinese saying, 'if u aint got a big head, do not wear a big hat'. lol

diligence,
- 1% talent + 99% hard work = key to success

thankfulness,
- always be grateful of what we have dear to ourselves. it brings people together--being thankful/grateful, humble :-)

trustworthiness,
- how much time and effort one must invest to gain trust of others? action always speaks louder than words...

fairness,
- injustice brings anger and frustration to others

affection/love,
- there are subcategories to this: parental love, siblings love, friends love, neighborly/community love, lover's love, nation's love. wow...how we MUST have distinctive lines and actions correspondingly!

respect,
- also, subcategories: respect the elders(!), respect the teachers(!), respect others...

and society.
- gather all the above values and put them in the society--peace and harmony ;-)

we were given alot of case scenarios which test our moral ability to seek out the most rightful way to response according to the given situations. oh boy...how we use to laugh at our righteous and silly answers--what's right to do and hell do we do that in real? nooooo... maybe... ;-P

but at least the whole nation are somewhat educated morally. lol

now this made me think that perhaps USA could learn a little from a little multiracial 3rd world country. i have seen many people having difficulties 'behaving'. i'm not gonna pinpoint anyone right now, but i would say that it's alot healthier for the entire nation to at least learn these fundamental values to become a better person for peace, harmony and the betterment of the society.

ALL ABOUT WORKING FOR WORLD PEACE in our little humble ways ;-)

the past 3 days

2009-10-16T02:37:00.002-04:00

Part 1:

so my right eye has been twitching for the past 3 days.

according to the old housewives tales, twitch on the right eye means disaster/bad thing is around the corner or is happening right a the moment AND twitch on the left eye means fortune/prosperity...

the first thing that popped into my mind was my mum. :-O OMG is she alright??? we do have some kinda telepathy thing going on.

the second thing that popped into my mind was about myself. am i gonna get hurt in some/various way(s)? i do feel kinda vulnerable right now.

so, mum called me like 3 hours ago. she's doing alright. phew... then what the heck with the twitches? it's certainly not about the lack of sleep coz i've been having 6-8 hours of sleep these days!

man...i feel like walking on thin ice.

Part 2:

like the chinese saying, 'yat yau so si, ye yau so mung'. JS appeared in my dream 3 nights in a row.

1st night, she texted me 'get some nigori' on my way to her place. wow...i'm kinda craving for some nigori sake, but then i'm on budget. and she wanted to get the expensive sake?! lol.

2nd night, i went out for an adventure with 2 of my friends (whom i can't remember now). we went kayaking in a really cool 'boat/kayak' with extendable 'wings'. like a roller coaster ride on the water. we arrived at a lil village. at the souvenior shop, i found some kafir lime leaves, and kafir limes with leaves. kinda expensive, but i thought of her...how she loves lime...and probably her corona will taste much better in those. AND kafir leaves are kinda hard to get here ;-P i bought the limes with leaves. lol. when i gave her the gift, she squeeze those limes in caesar salad... lol.

3rd night, i was sitting on her lap facing her. yes, fully clothed. the look, the long, the passionate making out. wow! AND my dad happened to be there and he saw. wtf? then fast forward to the 68. ummm... :-P

gee...it's like i'm dating her in my sleep, don't u think? urgh...what about the reality now? huh

Sweet September

2009-10-16T01:57:00.003-04:00

it's like stepping into fairyland...

like those in Enid Blyton books

quaint and quiet lil historic town

faint distant sound of the train

fairy tales seem real

expect lil pixies

cute lil angels in wings

a drive into nowhere to somewhere

an invitation

a quest to seek

a mutual connection

if chemistry work then will there be a need for catalyst

the catalyst that brings some similarities together

the resonating feel between us

deep into the blueness of your eyes

beyond those glasses

a pick on the brain

communication

the hint of smartness, talents, longing and mischief

like those spices of life

to spice up one's life

the 5 elements

water fire wind/air earth and wood

the simplicity of life

you breathe

how comforting

how empowering

how invigorating

how refreshing

a revelation i found

meeting and knowing you

the moments we shared

one of my best experiences...

*now reread it from the bottom

dah lah tu...

2009-10-05T01:37:00.003-04:00

my malay is slipping off of me bits by bits... damnit, this is that one gets being a lil 'derhaka' to the birth land.

macam mana lah i nak curamkan isi hati dan emosi i ni...

*burps* (too much light beers)

kan kerja tak berapa mempromisi' kan? ;-P boss tu menanyakan kayaulah i boleh kerja dinner kat pasadena. pasadena branch tu hampir 40 minit drive dari tempat tinggal... isssshhh...dah lah dia cakap 'don'tcha need the extra money?... bla bla bla' i pun tabik lah. the bosses are looking out for me after all.

dah lah tu. i pun hadirkan diri ke restaurant tu. menonton game ravens. betapa menariknya lah kan?! iissshhh...but without me putting any $ in the game, it's jz...not as exciting lah ;-P

apelah...customers tu bukan lah banyak.. tapi kena lah mempromosi sikit. iissshhhh macam lah pelacur... bla bla bla... slow but enjoyable night. tu memang i punya 1st night kerja jadi pelayan ;-P

dari restaurant i 'pecut' ke kelab hippo (malam untuk wanita lah...)...

i nak potongkan scenes yang tak usah lah kan... tarian tu je memang tarian lah. i pun takde 'cakap' dengan si dia... ataupun 'bermesra'...

yang aku fikirkan tetaplah si dia...

le lesbians wedding

2009-10-04T01:45:00.002-04:00

after getting lost following the retarded GPS, i relied on the mama's direction to the reception ballroom. you wouldn't know how frustrated i was. damn GPS! damn chinese man's GPS! unreliable... urgh

say what would u go being seated with your ex (and her bf) at the same table. uh huh... even her mum called me to 'check'. hahaha... hush hush!

with too much kenny G's music throughout the 'waiting' for the brides...plus alcohol and some appetizers, i was trying to keep myself amused and awake. thank goodness for cherie and carla to keep the laughter and conversation going.

we couldn't help laughing when shannon showed up in her red vest, red tie, white shirt and black pants. a man walked up to her and asked about food... BWAHAHAHAHAHA! she really looked like the maitre de! and there we went...talking loudly, requesting her attention about the food we have. "yo, i have a problem with the chicken. overseasoned lah!"

at 9pm...we thought that's it. cherie came back and reported that it's gonna last til 11.30pm. what?! apparently there's a cake cutting and bouquet throwing. hhmmmmm nice...

finally the DJ played some dance music, starting with 'i gotta feeling'. wow, i was really dragging everyone out to dance. hahaha! bla bla bla...dance dance dance...

here comes the bouquet throwing. apparently only the single ladies are allowed but i don't know why was cherie doing getting ready to fight for the bouquet. anyway, emily threw them my direction. aiya! i got it. whoooopppssss... hey, i got the bouquet sue mooi threw too, back in 2004. i wasn't the one getting married after that... heck, i'm still so single and available. it's a bad luck. i'd say the gal getting the bouquet would b the last one getting married out of the bunch...

not that i don't wanna get married. but but...no one really wants me that bad... i'm just saying lah.

next came the 'groom' throwing a lil scrunchy. uhhh...what?! so, yaz caught it (i wasn't allowed to catch it coz i already got the bouquet... huh). since she's the mama, she refused to do the 'act'. omg...i had to sit down in front of everyone and the 'man' has to perform the wrap the scrunchy around my ankle and roll it up my thigh. whoa! if i had known better, i'd have ducked at the bouquet throwing! gee... cherie did the favor. phew! or else it'd b wrong...mama and daughter doing that thing. hahahaha

well, that's it for the night. i managed to drag the ex out for 'our' song "i kissed a gal". she was like...omg, i'm gonna get yelled at for doing this. pssshhhh! who cares?! u r in a lesbians wedding. be gay a lil!

really. that's it. no extravagant 10 course chinese dinner. jz some lasagna, meat balls, cheese, cracker, bread, oversalted marsala chicken, carrots and stringbeans cooked in butter, steamed red potatoes with parsley(?), roast beef and some crab dip (i could see lotsa mayonaise...eeeek!).

may the brides live happily ever after.

the end.

black and white

2009-10-01T00:44:00.002-04:00

the night is silent with the sound of cars on the highway

nursing my 2nd miller lite

staring at the black and white keys of the piano by the bed

chuckles

reminiscing on the old days

how much has these keys taught me the way of life

how hard have i banged on them to let my emotions out

how gentle i've touched them as if caressing someone dear to my heart

con moto

pianissimo

piu mosso

sforzando

animato

espressivo

dolce

giocoso

non tanto

sempre passionato

rubato

forte piano

con brio

tranquillo

satisfaction aside

these black and white keys taught me true love.

current dilemma

2009-09-30T00:46:00.003-04:00

here i am...still thinking about what the heck to wear for the lesbians wedding this saturday. it has been bothering me since weeks ago when i saw K and some of the crew at central.

me : "can i wear this shirt?"

K : "no."

:-O

it's a nice calvin klein shirt... dark khaki green... like the color of those old leaf (but not brown yet) you find in tropical forest... what the heck is the correct word for the damn color?! turqoise? uhhh....

anyway, it has been on my mind for quite sometime. as the date was drawing near, i was getting anxious... hey, a gal can be very anxious about what to wear on a big occasion lah!

1stly, i'm kinda broke right now because someone thinks that it's ok to owe me money for the longest time. moreover, the restaurant isn't packed with generous customers. if it is (or not), there are 'too' many servers to tend to the customers where waiting for the food from the kitchen is longer than the servers serving the food promptly. see how i'm using PRESENT tense? in short, if worse come to worse, only limited fabulous (sweet talker) servers are needed for the job.

what's my point again? oh yeah...brokeness. so, with all these jewish holidays where i'm forced to take vacations (coz restaurant has to be closed), i'm broke-r. there is no fucking way i am gonna spend money to buy any outfit/accessories for someone's big day. although i should. well...IF i'm comfortable with spending the money, i would. i gotta set aside some money for the wedding gift!?!

2ndly, with the limited money i have...i'd like to have those for my social outings. not that i spend extravaganzaly on gals at dinners or at the club. heck! if i'm well off, i'd splurge a lil to help the economy! ;-P well...i'm still helping the economy and the gay community by bringing my ass out at least once a week, spending lil money.

i think if there's another (judgemental) gal that ask me why am i always out at the gals night, i'm gonna throw this to her face.

"i don't have much money, but i DO know about recession and lousy economy! if i don't come out and pay that stupid cover charge and buy some beers, and IF everybody who is broke doesn't come out, where the gay community gonna have their hangout nights, b***h?!! i aint here for some booties!"
*flings head to the side and walks away*

3rdly, i've been quite androgenous lately...say about 3 years ago. in another words, i look tomboyish. cute tomboy. i'd even have gay guy take his second look at me just to make sure what gender am i. lol.

"you're (she's) soooooo cute!" is a compliment i always hear at least once a week. heh.

but only my close friends know that although i look butch (some says player) on the outside, i'm so femme (so far i'm always the one being played) on the inside. it's very true. the first time i heard that revelation from a close friend, i almost cried (in gratitute of knowing/understanding me). so, in terms of dressing up, i'd b more attractive and comfortable with a non-so-femme-clothes ;-) well...occasionally i'd put on make up...but don't ask me when, i kinda forgot ;-P uummm...yeah.

lastly, that baju kebaya (malay traditional outfit) has to go. i'm gonna wear shirt, tie and pants. with my blings ;-P and chucks! gotta be frugal lah. lol

tales of roomates (part 1)

2009-09-28T02:21:00.003-04:00

being the only child (ummm...i like to call myself being the only child coz most of my childhood days were spent ummm...with me playing/entertaining/doing stuff with myself in the house and fortunately with kids in the neighborhood) can be lonely. but i've grew up with a household and neighborhood of 'busy-ness'. phew! those human noise brought me comfort--chi is not alone ;-)

i've never found so much joy of living/sleeping with someone my age until the first day of university. well...before that first day, occasionally i could have a 'sister' (band member) to spend the night over at the house but really, it doesn't count when it comes to spending days with roomate(s) ;-)

no, i don't think i was that gay yet. i just missed the having-siblings-to-spend-time-with moments. :-P

living in a big dorm (say...approximately 4 gals in a room, 32 rooms to a floor and 5 floors to a dorm building) at UPM was like an academia + gals fiesta! LMAO. let's do the math.

4 x 32 x 5 = 640

wow!!! let's jz say about 600 gals in a building. and there were alot of buildings in my dorm complex. what about parking? well...most students were from poor family, so the bus is always packed. some could afford motorbykes and cars. my 21st birthday gift was my 1st car--a new hatchback proton iswara (my 'pimpin' car. lol)

with the convenience of the car, i could have stayed home (which was only 20 mins drive from home). BUT i wanted to live with the gals on campus...at the dorm for the ENTIRE study years! i love having roomates and neighbors i could bug and hangout with until wee hours...until everyone was tired of me. when they slept, i studied ;-P

very much a social butterfly.

SH : "do you know people jz acknowledge me as 'PC's roomate' coz they can't remember my name? you're too damn popular for people to remember my own name lah."

me : "o really?! *laugh* wow...i'm sorry."

my entire 3 yrs at UPM, i stuck with SH. she's sucha great roomate. motherly kind. :-) well, we take care of each others anyway. and gals across the room too. when i was so sick with flu, they'd make me porridge, make me herbal tea and do my assignment(s) for me! i used to love taking naps on SH's bed (coz i'd 'save' my own bed for deep slumber), using her desk to study (coz mine was full with entertainment stuff--computer, tv, games, speakers) and eat dinner. she'd come back to the room and sorta 'yelled' at me for eating strong smell stuff at her desk. hahaha...but we do love each other long time ;-) she knew i love the comfort (and convenience) of 'her' side of room!

CS was 'invited' from next room because she's pretty (yeah...she looks a bit like the famous HK actress that married a rich tycoon) and cool and being half my coursemate, means i could have more help in getting notes and tips in studying ;-P

we had 2 engineering roomates. omg...i can't even remember their names now. one was fun. one was sooooo serious. the fun one laughed so hard in her sleep one night we (uh...i was still up, studying) all woke up and WTH happened? what a funny shock. lol

FC was a year younger than us. i remember us picking on each other. o boy, all of us love to yell at each other to rant it off. love is bonded that way, believe me. loud love? hahaha... it's the chinese way :-P

me : "why are your fingers soooo meaty? *pokes at FC's fingers*

FC : "OI!!!!!! go 'die aside' you!"

omg...she wanted to slap me. hahahaha... i can't remember her come back nasty comment about me but it's darn funny.

years later... i was already in US.

SH : "do you know what FC did?"

me : "what?"

SH : "she got married. like there's nothing better to play with..."

me : "whoaaaaaa... LMAO"

see, we LOVE picking on each other out of love ;-)

i have to tell you other gals roomate(s) on my same floor. yeah, i knocked on doors to kepoh back in the days :-P soooo weirdly amusing!

say...

we saw a gal that washed her feet (one at a time, of course) in the sink we wash our face and brush our teeth at. omg...the hassle of lifting her leg to wash it...isn't it easier to wash in the toilet/laundry area where there's a faucet 1-2 feet from the ground...

we had a communal bathrooms/toilets/laundry area (where we hand wash our clothes).

PP's roomate was another (princess) weirdo. she'd apply lotion to her legs as thick as 1 cm and let it 'absorbed', taking hours to do her laundry coz she would just let physics do its job--mainly soaking and rinsing ALOT. brushing and scrubbing hurt her dainty fingers... and more absurdly (and sooo rudely), she'd hang her dripping wet underwears above her roomate's desk... OMG! not to mention closing the door loudly during her early morning classes... wow...we love talking about her. heh

there's one time Rainbow walked in the door and i was there in her room, on top of CM, giving her a back massage. hahaha... we were giving each other massage. uhhh...it was odd... but we love easing each others' knots and sore from our vigorous activities. hahahaha

there were times i got a car full of gals to go to ladies night in downtown and had to come back at dawn (when the gate finally reopens. we had curfew...). the guard thought some of us were whoring outside. eeeeewwww! we could have slapped or reported him!

good ol UPM days... ;-)

channels

2009-09-28T01:08:00.002-04:00

it's been sucha long time since i penned down anything. i'm sorry to myself for the absence in writing...a catharsis of thoughts and emotions. so much have happened in this lapse of time that it's kinda hard to fill in the experiences in timely form.

i'll try.

let's start with how much i've learned and grown (wisely, not vertical or horizontal :-P).

people cross path for a reason OR it could be mere coincidental. but i do believe that everyone i meet, see, interact and have levels of connection happen for a reason--fate. the moment(s) adds another learning opportunity for either intellect and/or wisdom. and of course extra strands of gray hair. haha.

what i've learned in this absence of blogging:

patience

respect for someone i like for her decisions

if things are better said in action, keep the mouth shut

be more responsible when it comes to drinking just so no one gets hurt in any way

the heavy burden (responsibility) to repay the debt of gratitude to one's parent

it's unfair to bring personal problems (negativities) to work

naiveness to trust people that leads to one's frustration and pain

true friends are always around if they want you to be their true friend--reciprocity

revelations on own life conditions

always being optimistic about 'the one' out there--faith

never give up on standing up after every fall

it's ok things don't go the way one wants coz no one can escape from the law of the universe (karma).

some of my best friends said i'm so one of the kind for being dramatic, silly, dorky, smart, talented, absurd, cute, whiney, naughty, and rude (etc..) at times. i take all those as a compliment...good and bad. ummm...more good than bad of course ;-)

you know, we are (as a human being) a body of material after all. just as a comparison/metaphor... in physics (material science precisely), an alloy is always better and stronger than pure metal. heh ;-)

sometimes i'm skeptical about going in rabbit holes... i'm afraid i'm not that courageous to take the pain... o well, but if i do, i will certainly have my friends to share the adventures with!

short note to bear in mind

2008-03-17T02:46:00.003-04:00

I had a crazy weekend, it spanned from wednesday night-saturday night. I went out to clubs, 4 nights in a row. Taking my minds off something I guess. Confirming where should I go I guess.

I saw and experienced some human conditions, emotions, spur-of-the-moments, feelings swayed by the environment, decisions made out of conscience and moral values and meaning of love, life and relationships.

Wednesday night was fully devoted to T and how we can fully support each other with a strong bond. If dance is the ultimate way to express oneself, I love the way we move.

Thursday was full of freebies. I'm very grateful of the many people who love me for who I am. Free hook-ups on coffee, food, drinks. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Attentions I got was reassured of how strong and loved I am in the society/environment I put myself in. Kept telling myself that love is all around. However, sometimes love hurts...when you give too much. I worked that out in dance and at the gym later that night...

Friday night was another replacing someone off my mind--trying to forget and keeping it cool. Brought a cute cowboy marine out as my companion. Met J again. It was very hard not to dance and talk to her for her top that said "tasty peaches, homemade". I know where I was stepping on. Told myself not to do it. I kept my lips away due to respects, love and friendship. Cowboy had a blast with the L gals. Sent him off to Comfort Inn near me.

Saturday was another catharsis day. Loved and missed my drums at M's. Band practice provided another channel to lash it out. I don't know what or who I am without art, music, performance arts...although how much knowlegde or intellect I have in me. I chose to live life to fullest as a human, not a robot. Anyway, I brought cowboy to Sapphos at Central--showed him another gay scene. Protected him the best I could--standing up/defending his sexuality, commanded that he goes to the ladies room and teaching him to learn how to respect his seniors and the fine lines of dealing with people. I kept myself to my own pants although I could have blooped on a fine military lady. Respect and give. Sent cowboy back to Comfort Inn after carryout at McD. Thirsty, tired and hungry, BUT I'm very proud that we behaved.

Sunday was relaxing. Pushed myself to attend a big Buddhist meeting 40 mins away from home. I made it, although I was late. Duh. Sorry, but I can be a lazy ass baby. Hehe! Of all the things and spectacle I saw there, I was contemplating, reflecting, reminding and reassured of where I came from. I was truly touched by the some words--tolerance and generosity, that's the Buddhist way. I was very touched by various performances too--the kids' performance, youths walking across the stage (yes, peter brook said that even a person walking across the stage IS a performance) and pledging their resolution/goal in life and DC dancer's rendition/performance of the song "APOLOGIZE". Realizing that I have/should have a vast heart, I called K, M, L, C, D, L, S, J and Cl.

Although things might not go my way but I have enough love hugs and voice today to reassure that I'm a fabulous, multi-talented, cute and lovable person.

TOLERANCE and GENEROSITY weigh upon me, for now. :)

if dreams are made of...

2008-03-14T03:25:00.002-04:00

if dreams are made of
my own creation
i must muster
my everything
to bring it to fruitation

you know
we're different beings
somehow there's resonance
good or bad
compatibility
similar interest
do you deserve....
me

i want perfect level
perfect height
sitting or standing
are you there?

32 flavors of baskin robbins
you know your flavor
what flavor am i to you
i don't know if i can sacrifice other flavors
sticking only to one flavor
i'm willing to give my best

a journey starts with a step
stillness is the beginning of a movement
right here waiting
put your best food forward
let me see it
glistening eyes
let me see the happiness
no regrets

uncertainties in life
i understand it completely
do i embrace
and accept it
only with painful heart

if dreams are made of
my imagination
i won't be afraid
to surmount whatever comes my way
the vines grow strong and deep
as it age

ways of touch
literally or metaphorically
i know
how to touch
pushing the right buttons
i know how to keep the distance
just so you're comfortable
happy with my touch

intimacy can be felt
feet apart
longings can be felt
distance away
but oh boy
how i'm so wanton
securing myself

struggles keeping my soul
i'm such an angel
sacrificing myself til it hurts
badly
the halo weighs upon my head
must be good

if dreams are made of...
i'd choose happiness and peace

A Little Catharsis

2008-03-13T03:28:00.002-04:00

I'm fortunate enough to have many channels for catharsis.

Lashing it out whether in front of the mirror, in the shower, running my fingers on the piano playing like a (romantic) maniac, drumming my soul away, drinking my ass off, working strenously at the gym, writing/typing my ass off, and/or making great/comfort food ARE my way of 'releasing'.

Does it take talent/skill for catharsis? Errrmmm...for me, it comes naturally. I guess it differs from individual to individual. You've gotta discover that's best for you, yourself. ;-P

Some people, however, DO need catalyst in this aspect. I don't know...but right now I'm sure that I can/will be providing the catalyst... If you find that I'm your kind of catalyst, feel free to hook up with me. bwahahahaha! fyi, i can be pretty crazy and MEAN! ;-P

I have something to say...perhaps better in poetry...

If I don't use it, I lose it

2008-03-12T03:13:00.002-04:00

I have been away...I put my pen down, somewhere. Feeling grateful to some people, I decided to sharpen my mind with readings and (yes!) penning down my thoughts and feelings.

Don't you think that when you are away from school for quite some time, books and writings seem a little bit awkward and rusty? I feel lazy to write. Sometimes I'm amazed at how slow I can scribble ugly handwriting!

Urgh.

I'm aware that I have a depth of knowledge within myself but sometimes summoning up information takes difficulty and errrr...embarrassment. Alcohol DOES kill brain cells... *sigh* However, discovering own writings written months/years ago brought back rememberance and reminiscence.

So I was telling a dear friend of mine, K, about my blog(s). She keenly and instantly looked it up with high curiosity. *chuckles*

*aside*

I read it somewhere--the brain is the largest sex organ. I agree. Having constructive agreements/interests/points of views in conversation DOES turn one on in several aspects. Sometimes you don't even have to 'go there' but it is amazing how refreshing, lifting and empowering a constructive dialogue can make you. You are TURNED ON intellectually/mentally. I would say prefer this more although I DO like to being turned on sexually. Hahaha!

There's a distinction of being a human being and an animal... ;-P

So back to what I was trying to say. Showing her my penned thoughts has reminded me of how how HOW (slightly) different of me--now, and while I was in school. I can't help but feeling a little ashamed of how intellectually I am.

I'm a feeling and action person. Afterall, action speaks louder than words. However, no matter how you see it, I still think that you need to find an equilibrium between the actions and words...

Reading my own poems reminded me of my all-rounderness, my capability to exert my best qualities/skills and of WHO I AM.

Can you imagine

2007-01-15T06:59:00.000-05:00

can you imagine if i tell you i doubt if i can still write/type?

can you imagine if what i'm saying here is true?

i haven't put down my thoughts and emotions in words for such a long time. forgive me. all these while i chose other medium(s) for catharsis--playing piano, working out, cooking...

am i better in piano? you bet. developing more muscles? you bet. getting better in making delicious food? i'm living up 'chi can cook'. ;-)

so much to do to improve myself. to better myself. to love myself. to strengthen myself. and at times, i wonder...how would it be like to share all these with a lover/gf.

sometimes i don't know how NOT to be wild and bad. but then again, i told myself to behave. why throw my value system away...it's just a phase of life (being bad). again and again i reminded myself. it's a great thing to have something profound and truthful and deep and sound to fall back.

heck, i do love the song "i wanna fuck you". opppsss...

can you imagine i've consumed more than US$10k worth of wine last year? yes, all those fancy and expensive and RARE french wines. everytime i consume some, i feel like i'm coating myself with gold.

i finally got my expensive birthday gift last week (after half a year gone by). can you imagine me wearing a pearl necklace with a matching pearl earrings (my best friend said it's a classic design). when i wore it i had to remind myself in front of the mirror that i'm a gal... oh well, i told myself that i'm a boyish gal. i think i can pull it off with a (girlish) pearl and some shirt and pants and a nice malay shawl (it's from a kebaya outfit i owned) ;-) heh, i actually look superb and 'statement-making'! i shall debut my pearl-ly outfit this weekend at a wine auction at Daniel Restaurant in NYC. Fyi, Daniel is one of the top restaurants in the world! OMG...omg...omg.

can you imagine i spent 7-8 hours waiting without food (luckily i had some sweets) and drinks (i had limited water) and NO toilet breaks at Times Square, NYC for the 2007 countdown. torturing! agonizing! ridiculous, at some point. i almost gave up waiting. in the end, i pushed myself and finally i'm happy to announce that i MADE it. unbelievable experience, but i'd only do it once in my life. next time, i'm gonna watch it on tv.

sea of people. what a crazy night.

can you imagine that i'm a copper blondie now. haha. yes, i am. a gal told me i look great and surprised to find that i'm still single and available. oh well...i wonder why too.

omg, such long absence!

2006-06-20T05:37:00.000-04:00

i apologize for being MIA for so long. gee...when was the last time i blogged? ah, don't mention.

so...what have i been doing. let me fill you in, in summary. well, stuffs that i can recall lah.

april:

- good thing going with L, my ex. some stuffs we've worked on and we both felt good about it. what?! ah...no, we're not together. just friends...

......

- busy with rehearsals and play--'65 days: adrift in sea'.

may:

- spending more time with the 'girlfriends' before everyone leave home for the summer break.
- anticipating my birthday.
- celebrating my birthday 3 days in a row (yeah, like a princess! :P) with one very expensive dinner that cost a few thousand dollars in one of the most expensive restaurant in town. ehem...:P
- hung out even more with malaysian friend
- hosting and attending (my so-called) thespians and lesbians parties. WOOHOO!
- anticipating Senior Ceremony (a ceremony where Towson Uni's Theatre Dept. honors all graduating seniors)
- DONE with senior ceremony.
- anticipating commencement/convocation/graduation.
- did a stupid thing--'objectifying' my friend(s) and i felt very ashamed of myself.
- godsister, A, came down from boston, SURPRISINGLY!, to attend my convo. aawwwwww...she represented the whole wide world to me :)
- DC visit with A and W (the male hongkie best friend i have here)

june

- anticipating the production of 'Welcome to Micronesia' where i'll be assistant directing and stage managing. whoaaarrrrgggghhhh! so anxious!
- finally went to a beach--june 14! looking sexy in bikini ;P
- i didn't call my dad to wish him Happy Father's Day. bad me. and i'm still NOT gonna call. why? i don't know...don't feel like it.

ok, this is just a summary of what's going on and what went on. i'll fill in later. soooooo sleepy... it's almost 6am!!!

Happy News

2006-04-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

The following may not be chronologically correct:

1.) Boston trip during spring break with a sponsor--air travel (gee, 2 one-way tickets! due to changed plan). The travel came to be around $700 (boy, i can almost get a return ticket for a trip back to msia!). And it's FREE! Yay!

2.) Boston trip provided time for relaxation (yes, initially I planned to visit and walk around the city, alone (daytime), BUT being sucha lazy pig, I slept in til afternoon!), contemplation on what-am-I-doing-with-my-life, self-(re)discovery, some adventures (alone!), checking out the city, the pretty (chicks) people, art (I went to the Museum of Fine Arts and boy! they have a great collection of Egyptian art--mummies and the findings, Asian art, impressionistic art, Picasso, Middle East art, South East Asia art, Chinese (Buddhist) art, African and Oceania art...bla bla bla) and architecture.

3.) In Boston, I saw my godsister, MH. Yes, she's a great sister, more like a real sister compared to my 'blood-related' sister(s). Hung out with her. Pampered by her. Pampering her ;)

4.) I love the rush feeling of taking-off. It felt so free...soaring in the sky, higher and higher. A metaphoric feeling of stepping on the pedal and go forward in life :)

5.) Knowing J is not gonna move out AND she's getting a car this Saturday! Yay!

6.) Having good weather--sun and some breeze for being out in the sun--sun bathing while enjoying coffee and watching 'life' passes by. So, I'm developing a honey-looking skin ;) Sexy!!! Like what the Malay says, hitam manis (dark sweet). :P

7.) Going out with a cute gal, B, for a sushi dinner. I miss the feeling of dating. I was VERY glad and happy she went out with me. Gee...so gay. Ah, but then the dinner has to be pronto coz I had to run to a rehearsal! :(

8.) Performing again. Yes, this week I'm performing from Monday-Saturday! 2 different shows--65 days and (fusion) Yashima (a Noh dance).

9.) Spent alot on grocery today ($175) but it was paid by my 'employer'. ;) Gee, I have no idea how it came to that amount!!!

10.) Gonna learn how to invest my money for better future.

11.) Being offered to go on a paid cruise to Stockholm-to-London, a 14-day trip. Kinda stressful to think about it, but happy of the offer.

12.) One of my primary school friends gave birth to a baby on Apr 11. Gee, I'm still single and DAMN available!

13.) Been told by new found male friends that I'm too attractive and beautiful and cute to be a lesbian. Haha!

14.) I got my first birthday gift--a bongo stand. Hehe. I can play the bongo and conga at the same time now. Wonderful feeling to letting go and feel the rhythm. Groovy, babe. You know what I mean?

15.) I was offered a job as a wine associate, with $10/hour pay. And all I have to do is tasting wine and talk. Ahhh...but I don't have a car to travel to work. Soooo...nvm :P

Nooooo...not again!

2006-03-31T03:47:00.000-05:00

J: "I've something to tell you. I'm gonna move out in the middle of May."

*silence*

me: "Why! *sad face, lump in throat/chest* Why leave me? Why so early! Why now..."

I can't believe it. She just made me dislike spring even more.

*slumps*

Last spring (towards the end) I was dealing with L. And now...I've to face another lost. I just don't know how I can bear these. The gals I've grown fond of and comfortable to...

*heavy chest*

Call me sentimental. Extremely. Tell me it's no big deal, they'll still b around. Yes, but won't be so close.

I was drumming on my brand new conga after the conversation with J. As I drummed and got into the rhythm, I was so emotional that I cried and trying to push those mushy and heavy emotions away...drummed for strength, inspiration, hope and resolution. It's healing. But I need more 'dose'. My arms were hurting but not as much as I hurt inside.

It's very painful to deal with parting again, IN SPRING!

I look ahead...oh gosh...will there ever be a spring that I'd look forward to? Will there ever be a wonderful gal who'd bloom right in front of me and wrap me around lovingly, supportingly and nurturingly in her soft and comfortable petals?

*takes a deep breath, wipes tears off cheeks*

Gals I Want...befriend

2006-03-29T03:10:00.000-05:00

"You are such a giving person, do you know that?" -Dr J.

True, I would sheepishly admit that. I'd do that pay-it-forward thing. I've certainly had some takings (in various aspects in my life) and I don't mind giving to people that I love.

I can be very stingy and generous at the same time--to different people.

Should there be 'a shrimp hiding behind a rock' (from the Malay proverb--udang di sebalik batu) in this taking and giving concept? Yes and no. You go figure out.

I felt silly sometimes in reaching out--giving, and ambiguous of my wanting. But then, at the end of the day...I'd tell myself...reminding myself that I should cherish the friendship connection/relationship instead. Friends are treasure in life. Hence I shouldn't be too calculative in 'exchanging' treasure for treasure (not that one can really buy friendship). It really boils down to SINCERITY and GENUINE love.

I have recently (gone far out) wrapped a big rose bouquet for a gal, LL. My cyber lesbian friend already yelled at me, "she's STRAIGHT. STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT!" a couple times but I still...you know, 'treasuring' her in an 'unfriendly' way.

Great OLD (expensive) wines. Expensive restaurant. Home-cooked meals. Flowers.

"You are very nurturing." -Dr J.

Is this a bad quality to have in a person? It's unbelievable someone would describe me that. If I'm so nurturing, why the gal I love not reciprocating?

*shakes head*

Sometimes I just want to cry at what I've done, what I have and what I don't have.

Pampered and Spoiled

2006-03-02T01:14:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I have been MIA recently is having myself pampered and spoiled with great wines and great food. Yeah, wines...you know the 'after effect' :P Nah, not that I drink til I get drunk, but you know...after drinking, I'd rather go to bed (alone! ah, although I don't mind a hot chick in bed with me ;P) than stay up and write/type/blog.

A list of crazily EXPENSIVE (French) wines I've had over these (MIA) days:

1.) 1982 Chateau Lynch Bages, Grand Vin Grand Cru Classe, Pauillac. (red)
2.) 1989 Puligny Montrachet Les Folatieres, Leroy. (white)
3.) 1996 Puligny Montrachet Les Folatieres, Leroy. (white)
4.) 1994 Gewurztraminer, Domaine Zind Humbrecht. (dessert - white)
5.) 1988 Chateau Climens, Sauternes Barsac. (dessert - white)
6.) 1980 Chateau Climens, Sauternes Barsac. (dessert - white)
7.) 1995 Pic Saint-Loup, Chateau de Cazeneuve. (red)
8.) 1975 Chateau Leoville Poyferre, Proprietre Ste Cle des Domaines de St. Julien.
(red)
9.) 1982 Vieaux Chateau Certans, Pomerol. (red)
10.) 1991 Dominus. (red)

Most of the whites I had with appetizers - clams, crab cakes, linguine (with clams) and lobster, and the reds - NY strip steak, chicken (with brown sauce..."yes, it goes well", said the wine connoiseur), duck and ribeye steak. The dessert wines with tiramisu, con panna, creme bru lee and cheesecakes.

The food alone had cost about $700. The wines...omg, if I tell you the least expensive one (yes, the youngest one) costs about $200, do the math. Of course I didn't eat and drink all the above in ONE dinner :P

Ahhh...I've died and gone to heaven multiple times! LOL

When I told Dr J I wanted to learn more about wines, I didn't mean I want to be spoiled. BUT since there's no way to learn how to distinguish a great and a bad wine EXCEPT to try them... hehehe... ;) You'll never know what's good and what's bad until you've experience them - this applies to mostly anything.

It's been very fortunate to be able to learn and enjoy all these. Other than eat and drink, we had alot of intellectual, spiritual, fun, brilliant, philosophical, artistic and deep conversations.

Ever read that book 'Tuesdays with Morrie'? I feel that way--the eagerness and compassion to learn more about life from a brilliant old man (unlike Morrie, Dr J is not sick). Hanging/going out with him no doubt raises eyebrows BUT if they look closely, I'm actually so gay (butchly feminine lah) :P

We do look out for gals ;) That's the fun part. Sometimes he can be sucha dirty old man! Eeeeek, tak boleh tahan. Well, not like he touches, but you know...thinking about it. Choi...I tried not to think about that, didn't want to 'flood' the restaurant/bar.

If you read Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler, you'll know the 'flood' story. :)

I think if a guy try so hard to introduce some of the good lady friends he knows to one, one should really appreciates him. Moreover, he's sucha wonderful giver! Oh, this doesn't mean I'm a taker, I also 'give' in this platonic relationship. As I mentioned, I'd rather go to bed after spending time with him--too tired from alertness and concentration given to him! I wonder if he feels the same exhaustion by all the talkings... :P

Valentine

2006-02-15T01:09:00.000-05:00

I gave someone...ok, L, a gift. For the past two weeks, I'm suffering from cold sores (roomate J said it's mouth herpes. CHOI!)--bumps and swelling on the gums and tongue, cracks on the lip. Very painful :'(. Makes eating, drinking, (especially) brushing teeth a teary and howling event. No doctor visit for me. Once I'm here, I've learned to 'shy away' from the doctors as they're SUPER expensive (now that I'm not covered in health insurance). To make it short(er), L came to Towson to pass me an oral medication for my sore and gift(s) she got me from Japan.

I had a few hours to run to the florist and two other stores to get flowers (yes, handpicked, stem by stem!) and papers. The flowers here are expensive! Gee, and I thought they're already 'Valentine's price'--they're not! I got them early.

So, I came back from work at 10++pm and knocked on (my Japanese roomate) K's door. Had her to take pictures of this process. LOL. And also by seeing me wrapping, she'd learn how to do it. Of course, she helped a lil bit :P--trashing stuff, wiping table, put the flowers in the vase, you know...simple stuff.

I took the bouquet with me on my 'journey' around campus--I didn't want to come home to fetch it when L arrives. I wanted to spend some time at Starbucks and enjoy. Heh. Bangganya be seen with a big bouquet. Americans don't wrap this way. Not so 'extravagantly'. This is Hong Kong style. ;) I mentioned that I'd get L some flowers the next time she's in town. It was a perfect moment, in conjunction with V-day and her birthday (which is more than a month to come, but I'm not gonna spend more...). Afterall, I rarely see her in real. *shrugs*

Perhaps I'd say I was being (very) nice, in return to her nice action/gesture. Perhaps I wanted her to receive the biggest bouquet she's every received--from me. Perhaps I wanted to tell her that she's still a very special person and a great friend to me/of mine.
Perhaps I was being too dramatic.

I brought her to my restaurant. (Previously) Had the sushi chef to make some specialty sushi (not on the menu). Paid for the (quick) dinner. Of course it's my treat, she's a friend 'visiting', right? And I've always knew she loves certain types of food...

She had mixed emotions about all these. Too romantic. Ahh...perhaps. What, can't I give a friend a bouquet of flower for V-day AND birthday? I'm being kinda 'economical' here, you know.

Back to the flowers--you know what red roses and yellow roses mean, right? True and passionate love, and friendship. 3 red, 9 yellow (9 means forever and ever, ok). Purple flowers are called/nicked as forget-me-not. Whites are baby's breath, you figure what it means. *winks*

*sigh*

This is not the first time I've purposely wrapped a nice bouquet for a friend. My first bouquet was a two dozen red roses (of course, with lots of forget-me-not) for a guy (whom I never gave it to). DAMN heavy. My second was to my (longest) best-est friend, M--a dozen of (maybe) pink roses. I delivered to her personally and I remember her reaction vividly--her face was lit up and so touched.

I did not see L's face lit up or touched when I presented her the bouquet (at starbucks). I guess I've failed to 'touch' her. I prefer to see LL's face when she saw me with a bunch of unwrapped flowers in my arms (at starbucks) the previous day.

I'm willing to give due to appreciation. But the response is rather...disappointing. Conformity is one of the reasons...

However, in brief, I'd say that I was very excited, anxious, happy and exuberant about her visit. No matter what happens in the future, I'd like her to be my special friend--a dear friend. You may ask, "are you trying to win her back?". My answer is "I want what's best for us, even if we do not end up together."

Ah...on bended knee, huh. But this screams "Happy Valentine's and Happy Birthday!" ;)

Being Chinese

2006-02-01T03:08:00.000-05:00

Culture and religion can be inseparable, yes...to a certain level. I don't consider myself as a pure Chinese--well, not the way that I was brought up, you know...with the education and stuff.

Hint: I'm not Chinese educated.

But that doesn't mean that I don't know any Chinese character at all. I was sent to learn Chinese when I was young. Heh. Not that I can remember much of what's being taught. :P The only thing I'm very proud of was/is my calligraphy. You'd never know, I actually WAS the winner in writing (Chinese characters) in my night-school (a little history: back in my hometown, Teluk Intan, a night school was set up for people of all ages to learn Chinese. Yes! And we have a headmaster and complete set of teachers for all grades - beginner, advanced...etc). What can I say, I'm just good with my fingers and hand! ;P Ehem...

I'm a Buddhist. But I don't pray to Buddhist god(s). However, seeing other Chinese praying to deities and Gods reminds and rejoices me of my strong cultural heritage. Once (for a short period of time) I grew up in an orthodox Buddhism home--my maternal grandparents home, in an old Chinese village in Bukit Merah, Ipoh.

Actually, I'm Ipoh-born--the place in Malaysia dubbed as 'where the pretty gals are born/produced'. *winks*

The last time I encountered being surrounded (very close) by orthodox Buddhism and tradition was during my grandfather's funeral. Yes, in that house. With burnings of the papers resembling money, gold, lady and/or guy (as maids to serve in the underworld), house, car...etc, (orthodox) chanting, incense and offerings (food, fruits and drinks - to the spirits and REAL people paying their respect).

It was about 18 years ago. Yes...I'm kinda old now (to have vivid recollection of that event). :P

In conjunction of the CNY, some Chinese practice the burning, offering and praying for success, prosperity and good health (not necssarily in this order). I have never experience this for a very long time already--between 15-19 years.

On CNY eve, I was surprised and moved upon seeing the 'gold paper folded up as offering' (to be burnt) in the restaurant that I worked! The inquisitive me asked the lady boss of the history behind the offering and burning :P Heh. Not that I didn't know, but I wanted to make sure, remind of and perhaps learn a bit more what I didn't know about it. :P Haha.

I felt like a 5 year old kid asking, "what's the rice for?", "what's the sweet for?", "what's the dried oyster for?", "what's with the exact number of joss stick?". Haha...

*blushes*

I stayed over for the 'ceremony' at the restaurant. Oh, I wasn't praying. I was there to witness and oohing-and-aahing the theatricality of the religious little ceremony. In the silence of the burning, I sensed the spirits, and I respected the wholesome of the ceremony. Another reason why I stayed for it was it felt Chinese to me. And I've never been 'this' Chinese before :P

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone. May the Year of Dog brings you good health, prosperity and good fortune in every aspect of your life. :)

January has gone

2006-02-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

Stone Butch Blues was intense. It has (re)sparked my love and joy of reading. I haven't had this strong emotional--attachment to a book since a long time ago. At one point, I wanted to hurl the book across the room coz it was SO painful and dreadful to go on. And then, sometimes I was so engrossed in it that I've forgotten everything that was evolving around me.

I brought the book to read while I was working, and I got yelled at for not taking care of my customers :P

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minimester (winter semester) has begun, and gone. I took 'Writing About Art'. Yup, now I can confidently say that I can give a good critique on fine arts--painting and sculpture. ;)

I love it. You know, you can say anything about a piece of art and if it's justifiable and logical, you make strong and profound points. Basically, anything is right because you FEEL and MOVED by it. Unlike science--everything has to be proven. Heh. Let's not go into that. Of course, there's joy in both field/world--the act of discovering ;)

Artistically, creatively and aesthetically, I was 'stagnant'. Somehow I felt the cowardice and fear in performing and creating performance after a long 'absence' from practical classes and theatre rehearsals--unproductive. Hence, to 'fix' myself, I volunteered for QuestFest ;) By doing so, I put myself in the theatre scene--workshops and performances.

I felt good learning the Indian classical dance (drama)--kathak and kathakali. So much stomping. Well, actually it's more like 'slapping' the floor with the foot! Oh, I was introduced to the mudras (hand gestures) as well ;) Gee, I should have learned this (not the stomping, the mudras) while I was in KL, when I was attending Indian dance performances regularly. Oh boy, I MISS THE SUTRA HOUSE!

Aerial theatre was scary, but LIBERATING. I actually went there to check out the workshop, NOT to participate. However, it's rather ermmm...uncool and not-so-nice to turn down M's (and other participants) invitation. Well, ok. So I swung and hung myself at the trapeze. It takes so much trust and confidence (in me) to let go and 'fly'. Hmmm, fyi, the trapeze wasn't like very high but high enough to break some bones and even can be fatal if one breaks the neck! Yeah, no safety net. The only safety was M's great observation and support. I did it coz I TRUST her. :)

Going to Butoh workshop was like going 'home'. At least it's not alien to me, and I was comfortable with the moves (although it made my muscles ached for a few days!). Doing Butoh relaxes me--it provides a channel to release the darkness of emotions, and pushes me beyond rational thinking. It's kinda liberating too, you know :)

More fun times at QuestFest - going to see performances for free! and meeting new people and friends.

Having new friends made me realize and contemplate what friendship means, in this foreign land. Of course, those new friends were mostly Caucasians. And so, recently, confronting my (same color) friends has been quite unpleasant. It leaves a sour note on our friendship, on the issue of 'birds of a feather flock together'. Generally and based on value-creation, should the birds flock together? I'm not saying they should or shouldn't - it's very subjective and complex. I'm...I'm just...disappointed of what happened (and still is happening now).

Takes in a deep breath.

The drama will continue...

the L word (again)

2006-01-21T03:08:00.000-05:00

I know I've been silent for so long. My apology. Where the heck have I been? Busy lah! Tell you later.

This is about the L word. Yeah, 3rd Season is running now. And thanks to many superfriendly and kind lezzies online who keeps every TLW lover up to date on what's going on in every episode--upload, download. ;)

One of the scenes in the 2nd episode is about taking Dana's 'shrine' off Alice's wall. It was lezzie-clean-up service hired by Helena (who is sort of 'getting closer' to Alice). You know, gals relationship, ah so complicated.

In brief, after much happenings that I've gone through, I am here to 'report' that I've taken my L 'shrine' off my (desk) wall. Yup, like a few minutes ago. I did it myself. No one 'hired' lezzie-clean-up for me. No new gal in my life to 'rip' it off my wall. Well, talking about that, I'd say it'll be embarrassing and not-right to date/see someone new while you're still...you know, errrr...obsessed about someone in the past.

Takes in a deep breath.

Lone Longing Walks

2005-12-31T03:26:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas season. Everytime I leave the restaurant and embark on the (walking) journey home, I'd feel a pang of satisfaction (of another day at work) and loneliness.

I have grown to long for these lone walks.

This is taken on Christmas Eve. The reality of brightening up and 'emptiness' portrayed my whole feelings/emotions.

I passed an art gallery (owned by Towson Arts Department). I was so captivated by this art piece.

Bold
Seductive
Sexy
Hidden
Dare

I stood there for some moments. Looking. Searching. Admiring. I wish I can enact this in my reality.

Merry Christmas, Chi.

No more Baby A? :-(

2005-12-18T04:08:00.000-05:00

The end of semester means the end of babysitting Baby A.

Here's the pics me and K (my Japanese roomate) took with A.

He's soooooooooooooo adorable.

Then, on Friday, I had a sushi brunch with S (baby A's mum) and A.

At the end of the brunch/lunch S pulled out a gift. She said A picked it, for me. What?! How can?! Well, I was shocked. And deeply touched. She made me open the gift. It was...2 CDs.

How did baby A know? Drumsex? Hellooooo...

It was a great compliment anyway, from S. After all, drum and sex was all I did for my previous solo performance. ;P

S said 'drumsex' is supposed to arouse the sexual desire. Ehem... Do I need it? :P But I LOVE THE CD anyway.

*hyperventilates*

I'm gonna miss baby A so much :'( Same to him...

The Lighting Design Class I Love

2005-12-18T02:39:00.000-05:00

I was planning on putting this here as soon as the project's done, but I was too caught up with end-of-semester papers and stuff (like meeting new friends, getting more time with friends).

This is the 2nd light project I have in the class. Remember the 1st project? It was done with Carmen's song.

Anyway, for the 2nd project, we were allowed to partner up. So, I had DT as my partner. DT's first project touched me deeply. With his image of a sexy and sophisticated woman, he created a very romantic light project. I love his perspectives on portraying romance. Well, okay, he seems like a romantic guy. Period. I went up to him and 'demanded' that he be my partner for the 2nd project :P So bossy, huh. Haha!

I came up with the central idea of being round. Okay, I was thinking of balls. Having balls in space. Lighting balls. Something to do with balls...errr...round/spherical things. I've always like balls, in case you don't know ;P Why do you think I excel in sports involving balls (and cocks - errr....shuttlecocks)?

Eh, off topic. :P

So, the first idea was ball/round.

For the 2nd project, we're supposed to create a light project (using props, or objects, or humans, and OF COURSE - lights! AND incorporate sound, or text) with a theme/message AND to have the class/audience to leave the room being deeply affected by it.

Then, I was walking/leaving the class where we had our first presentations of the 2nd project...listening to radio. Christmas song was in the air. DT was walking with me. I told him, hey...let's do something involving balls and Christmas song.

You know, round as the metaphor of wholeness/completion -- a gathering/wholeness/completion during Christmas. We'd like to set the mood for Christmas. We'd like to sorta 'encourage' our classmates to look forward to Christmas, ermmm...lighten up the stressful moment of the semester (it's nearing the end of semester...projects and shits piling up, you know).

We'd like to use the disco ball, but it was being used already. So, no more 'suspense' using it. Instead, DT came up with another 'round' thing similar to disco ball - the rotating colorful party ball ;) yay!

We used the IKEA paper lanterns. Round what. We used the round hanging ornaments for Christmas tree. I borrowed J's exercise ball. We used Kenny G's 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas'.

We went to Walmart at 10+pm to shop for the ornaments (wanted a mistletoe as well, but couldn't find one! so no kisses :P) and then straight to light lab...worked til 2+am! Very nocturnal of us. Good to have a very nocturnal partner (like me) ;P

Actually, we used a blacklight for the smallest IKEA lantern. Afterall, we want to create a better spectacle of 'snowfall'. Yeah, there's snowfall! ;) White confetti.

Here's some pictures I took with my cameraphone.

We also want to show the class of the way WE, Asian (DT's Filipino), light our Christmas ;P It turned out to be a very successful project/light performance. We literally 'took' the audience away from the lab - the mystical magic wonderland of Christmas ;)

WE DID IT! Successfully evoked the touchy and mushy feelings! ;)

Awwww...that was what you get when you put two very romantic people together to create something ;P

The Normal Heart

2005-12-10T03:49:00.000-05:00

I should have stayed home on Thurs night and worked on 3 papers due the next day. But The Normal Heart was too good to be missed.

The Normal Heart : A Play by Larry Kramer
An HIV/AIDS Event
Thursday, Dec 8 2005
Towson University Center For the Arts

The Agenda:

Outreach Expo with exhibitors from HOPE, Moveable Feast, Planned Parenthood of Maryland, The GLCCB (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center of Baltimore and Central Maryland), Towson University Queer Student Union, Sisters Together and Reaching, Inc., TU Counseling Center, and TurnAround.

Ahh...I forgot which table that has a BUNCH of free condoms that anyone could take. My friend - she basically stuffed her handbag with so many that they fell out from it, and spotted by N, a Japanese professor. Haha! Embarrassingly funny! Then she said she's gonna use them on New Year. Our eyes were popping out, but she clarified that she's NOT ACTUALLY gonna 'use' them, but just to throw them up in the air for everybody. Yeah...right... ;P Oh, did I take some? No...don't need it. I saw female condom too! ;) No, I didn't take it - don't need it. :P Saw a rubber to wrap around your finger (finger-dom?). Haha. I didn't take it either :P I think it's about time someone INVENT 'tongue-dom'. ;) Oh right, how can you put it on a tongue then, huh. Hhmmm...never mind, use Glad (plastic wrap) ;)

Play Reading about the beginning of the AIDS epidemic and its impact on the gay community physically, politically, and personally--featuring Towson Theatre students, faculty, and alum including John Glover (yes, the father (rich one) in Smallville, 5 Emmy Award nominations for TV roles), and Bruce Nelson (5-time Helen Hayes Award nominee, Helen Hayes award winner for Best Actor in 2004).

Reception
I didn't stay. Just grab a bottle of water and dashed home - homeworks. Heh. I didn't start until it was snowing heavily outside...about 1am? Was talking to L (yes, 'her') and MY (my ex-coursemate from UPM).

"We can not stop the deaths from AIDS, but we can stop the deaths from ignorance."

I should have moved (but I didn't)...I felt awkward sitting right next to G, and then I found out that he and M are actually dating (?) I didn't know. Gosh, sitting to a straight couple made me have icky feeling... :P I don't know, but seeing B and her partner, J, (they sat in front of me) made me envious...and put a smile to my face.

Oh yeah, I lost count of the compliments I received on my outfit (the make-shift-tie). Ehem...kakui desu ne ;)

I think that was my first time watching a reading. Impressed on how simplicity could move the audience (to tears...yeah, I was fighting back tears). Those are very good actors! OMG...watching S kissing Bruce...my immediate reaction was OMG! nani?! and then came the aaawwww...

I actually got stood up/turned down. Twice! By the gal(s) I asked to go watch this with me. :( It's a fabulous thing/event to miss, my dear... Oh, how disappointed I was. But then, I still went...alone, knowing that I'd have a bunch of theatre friends (and professors) there. :)

My Longings

2005-12-04T00:02:00.000-05:00

1. Snow (yes! it's snowing outside now! yay!!!)

2. Driving

3. Teh tarik and roti canai with dhal (although I'll balloon up and release lotsa gas :P)

4. Dressing up and watching a Wind Symphonic Band/Orchestra or Symphony Orchestra concert

5. Being at work with the thought of SOMEONE's waiting for me after work

6. Being at work and receiving tantalizing images of SOMEONE through MMS

7. Having overpriced coffee at Starbucks/Coffee Bean/San Francisco/Secret Recipe (well, here, Starbucks is all I get) with an overpriced dessert (or a piece of bread and stuff) and watching/observing/checking-out people, alone or with SOMEONE

8. Playing piano to relax, entertain, enjoy, heal my soul, release tension

9. Club/pub hopping

10. Having SOMEONE to cuddle with in bed

11. Kissing

12. Shopping at branded stores, grocery (Asian preferably) stores

13. Dimsum

14. Walking in pasar malam and buying too much food

15. Astound others with my works, talent, ideas, and/or wit

16. Feeding SOMEONE fruits in an intimate way...and be fed the same

17. Sleeping with SOMEONE

18. Walking barefeet on a soft sandy beach

19. Gambling - in casino, or at home/someone's home

20. Having a big seafood feast of fleshy crabs, fresh shrimps, big fresh fish (I love that fish...ahhh...what does it call again...the one that is shaped like a square - side view), big fresh lobster!, squids/octopus, la-la, si-ham, balitung (of course! to practice my kissing...errr...sucking skill :P), sea cucumber, abalone...I guess you already knew by now, I LOVE SEAFOOD!

21. SOMEONE to take care of my lips (you DO know that a female has 3 lips, right?)

22. My colorful university days staying in a dorm with a bunch of gals

23. Performing under the limelight

24. Creating mind-blowing performance project(s)

25. Having delicious and nutritious soup (home-cooked) everyday

26. Hawker stalls

27. Doing something to guide and/or help others

28. Watching plays

29. Playing (and performing) different kinds of percussion instruments

30. Exercising and rejuvenating in a country club.

Hairy Bathroom

2005-12-01T01:51:00.000-05:00

J: What?! You're cutting your hair again? No, not until you empty the trash in the bathroom. You're crazy...you've cut your hair like 5 times for the past 2 weeks!

*grinning*

Me: But now I wanna cut it real short!

J: Go clean the bathroom.

Hahaha...

I didn't know she counted. Heck, did I really cut 5 times? I don't know...

Ok. I DID screw up my hair 2 days ago. I was in a rush...and the hot water was running in the bathroom. Hence, the foggy mirror. Therefore, the 'weird' cut.

So, I got back from work just now. Eiyee, I had to tie my hair to cover up :P Anyway, I got home...I went online and searched for Shane's (from The L Word)look/hairstyle. http://www.thelwordonline.com/ep202screencaps02.shtml

Told K, my Japanese roomate, that I was gonna do Shane's hairstyle. She said, 'Ahhh...kakui!'. She also like Alice's hairstyle. Oh, but I want the kakui look.

Then, I got into the bathroom. Stripped (have to strip or else it won't turn out nice :P). Take one long look at my long hair...

"Sorry, you have to go. Things change, people change...I WANT TO CHANGE."

Divided my hair into parts...and chop chop chop it went.

After 1++ hour in the bathroom (sorry, K, you can't come in...I'm naked!), I 'revealed' my new look to K.

K: *big eyes* WOW! Kakui ne! I can't believe it!

Me: Yeah, yeah? *wide grin. takes a turn* See if the back look okay.

K: Yup. Looks good.

Me: Be more critical. Is it even?

K: Ah...this bottom part a bit sticking out. Let me cut it.

So, we took some pics. Oh oh, before-and-after pictures. Heh. Put on some Loreal's 'Out of Bed' gel, and snapped more pics. :P My hair turned out like something in between Shane's and Alice's hairstyle ;P

Hairy bathroom still... Haha! Think I'll clean (throw the trash) it tomorrow. Eh, I vacuumed the floor, ok!

(Why) Should I Care

2005-11-27T04:31:00.000-05:00

Sunday

Took off for a strike (in theatre, to 'strike' means to take off everything from the production done - the lights and sets). I was being...ermmm...bad, and so I was late. (Why) should I care. IT'S WORTH IT!

Lighting strike finished early than expected. Went home, ahhh...the weather was just perfect - clear sky, cool air, nice weather. Perfect to sit at Starbucks and look (and be looked) at people. (Why) should I care. I FELT LIKE IT.

Didn't go Starbucks but created a 'Starbucks' at my balcony. Laptop and hot coffee and lounge-radio.com kept me company. Watching sunset. Oh, watching the colors in the sky...the silhouette of the trees...the turning into darkness. (Why) should I care. I LOVE IT!

Dinner planned by W. So, there's this website that tells you the picks of the week in town. You know, pubs, cafes, movies, restaurants, etc. Since he was very into 'the pick of the week', we (me, JJ, and X) agreed to his choice. A restaurant called 'Neo Viccini: Bar and Grille' located at N. Charles St, downtown (Baltimore). The picture in its website looks kinda sophisticated and high class. The price (he strongly suggested that we check it out, online) was okay. (Why) should I care. I'M A POOR STUDENT BUT I WANT NICE THING IN CHEAP-PRETTY-WORTHY (Cantonese says 'pheng, leng, jeng') PACKAGE!

We got there. Like the pic we saw online - nice decor. The crowd - 70% senior citizens. We had to wait for a table! Ok. So we waited to be seated right in the middle of the restaurant. (Why) should I care. LOCATION - ATTENTION, COME ON!

The price was exactly as we saw online. We ordered some appetizers and main entres. Heck, the shrimp coconut thingie with mango sauce (USD6.5) came...and ONLY 3 SHRIMPS! Not even the jumbo ones! I had a weird crab tomato soup (costs USD5!). I had a chicken penne. Urgh...to make the long story short, all our entres were tasteless. And we had to wait more than 30 mins for our food to come - it wasn't even packed when we got seated! (Why) should I care. I EXPECT MY USD19 FOR A DINNER WELL SPENT!

Drove to Inner Harbor to see the lights of the city by the water, at Federal Hill. The moon was kinda big, in orange color, half-moon shape. Walked around, took some pics...ahhh, JJ brought her camera with her. (Why) should I care. 'A' MEMORY!

Wednesday

I almost couldn't sleep last night. Thinking of where I'd be going at night. Spent the day feeling, funny and anxious. The day before Thanksgiving. The restaurant was kinda packed. Yeah. I was busy running in and out, spinning around - working. Focus, Chi, focus. (Why) should I care. THE MONEY IS IMPORTANT!

My roomates left me alone in the apartment. Off they went - Florida and NY. All by myself...in the apartment. I didn't sleep that night. Wasn't at my apartment. Off to a friend's place. (Why) should I care. BEING AT THE MOMENT!

It was snowing! What a wonderful moment! It's unusual to have snow in November. Come on, it's still fall/autumn. But I've always love snow. Yes! Hahaha...I was smiling happily walking home in the snow. (Why) should I care. NEED TO CELEBRATE THE EARLY SNOW!

Haikus of the night

You are so damn sweet
Coming fetching and talking
Driving in the snow

What you think about
Snowing, darkness of the night
Oh boy, what a sight

Hands on piano
Moonlight represents my heart
Song I played for you

Watching you watch me
Oh boy I love that song too!
Oh I love it too

Maybe I should stop
Should keep my hands to myself
Let's do something else

Let's turn off the light
Oh what a boring movie
Talking through the night

Sleepless night I/we had
Not with body next to me
Feel the warmth, my dear(?)

See something in dream
Going back in memory
Very astonished

Tell a dream I dreamed
Feeling stroking and touching
Getting weird response

A flood you may call
Alarm is ringing loudly
Get your ass up, chi

Again you're so sweet
Fetching me to Potomac
Thanks, will make it up.

Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving! It's Thursday and...(why) should I care. I was ermmm...bad. I broke a wine glass. :P I made a very sexy dessert - strawberries cut purposely (or not!) in a shape of vagina and nicely decorated in a snow white plate (thanks, cousin MW for the trouble of finding the plate I prefer as a nice 'bed' for my errrmmmm...dessert). He then pour some white stuff - some kinda unsweetened milk over those berries! Oooohh boy, great. It tasted very weird. But I swallowed the ehem...berries and white stuff anyway. LOL. (Why) should I care. YOU DO KNOW THAT STRAWBERRY MAKES ONE HORNY!

Friday

Slept for just 1++ hour. Crazy friend, A, called just 1+ hour after I fell into sweet dreams. URGH! Made me awake after that til it's no point going back to sleep - have to get up, leave the house, send my aunt to the airport, go shopping (YAY!) with cousin MW. (Why) should I care. IT'S THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY!

Went to an outlet mall, Arundel Mills - a big 'spread-out' (everything in ground floor, literally) mall. Oh boy, look at the discounts! It felt bad not to buy. So I (and MW) shopped til we dropped. :P I've neva felt so good...you know, the feeling of shopping...buying like crazy...everything seemed like a necessity. :P I ended up with a very nice (Matrix-like, something to keep me warm and still look great) jacket/coat/outer-wear and a black turtle neck from Benetton; 4 small tees from Guess; and a nice reversible top from Dana Buchman at Saks off 5th Avenue. I saw a very nice (half price!) leather jacket from Calvin Klein! MW made me terribly guilty at the thought of buying it. Soooo...I tried it on...felt how soft the leather was on me...how hip and COOL and butch I looked in front of the mirror! and I put it back. :( (Why) should I care. KEEP THE MONEY FOR RAINY DAYS.

I've been bad lately. (Why) should I care. SUE, SPANK ME, WHIP ME! ;P

What I've Learned...

2005-11-22T05:15:00.000-05:00

1. A fun, delicious, sweet (DEFINITELY not sour - my poor sensitive teeth), satisfying and (still) healthy way of drinking orange juice is to make it into a FUZZY NAVEL.

2. 'Buying' lottery can be free and exciting, and REWARDING (of course).

3. Beauty of nature can be found and be deeply appreciated and admired from my balcony.

4. A kiss is usually both anticipated and then enjoyed. But then it is not anticipatorily wanted in the right way, it can seem to be no more than an (unpleasant) physical sensation.

5. Absence from acting/rehearsing in a few months could evoke a sense of alienation, awkwardness, fear of one's ability to improvise and play around, uneasiness...

6. Texas Hold 'Em. Uh-huh. With chips, not the strip version (not yet).

7. Being generous (not necessarily in monetary, other aspects as well) is a sign of maturity.

8. Better observant skills (with gay-dar on...of course :P)

9. Absence creates longing and how to steer these 'swelling' emotions into growth.

10. I felt like my father, wanting to behave like my father, but...urgh, do I want to?

Clearly Marked

2005-11-16T03:15:00.000-05:00

Saw a play just now. Been anticipating to watch this solo performance about being transgender, and a Jew. I 'peeped' during the tech before the show. :P Curious to know whether it's a she or he. He-she? She-he? Well...a gentleman butch. A fat gentleman butch.

There's no mention of he or she in the program note. Just Bear. The name is Bear. Bear's joke of (sorry, I don't know how to write without using he or she, so I'm gonna stick with SHE) being fat was funny.

"I never had a problem coming out as fat. People assume that I am from the way I look. No questions ask. No need to agonize of how to tell my parents that I am fat."

LOL.

"Having penis doesn't mean you're a man. Having a vagina doesn't mean you're a woman."

"You have a penis but behave like a woman. You're transgender."

"You have a vagina but behave like a man. You're transgender."

"Raise your hand if you have a penis and you cry during sad moment. You're transgender! *pointing at the audience* Transgender, transgender, transgender."

"Raise your hand if you have a vagina and you shout out loudly when you're pissed. You're transgender! *pointing at the audience* Transgender, transgender, transgender."

My gosh, what a revelation! I'm transgender! Everybody's transgender!

:) Ehem...

"Being a gentleman, I take my time pressing my shirt and pants, shining my boots, and tying my tie, straightening it."

Heck, I was the only one wearing a tie in the audience. Dressed up like Shane (in the L word) -- long sleeve white shirt (pressed!), nice shiny fashionable solid dark blue tie, dark blue jeans... Aiyoo, I'm transgender!!!

Well, next time I'll be a femme when dressing up for an occasion. :P

Back to the play.

"I married a femme. And I love her with all my being."

Awww...

"People tend to cover things up. You're actually an oxygen. But the oxygen is covered with hemoglobin. The hemoglobin is covered with blood. The blood is covered with skin. The skin is covered with clothes. The clothes is covered with designer labels. And there you are - Abercrombie and Fitch."

LOL.

"Being transgender, it's another different category. Some lesbians do not want you to mess with 'their girls'."

Contemplating... Kinda complex, huh. :)

She had all these labels sticked on her shirt. JEW, FAT, LESBIAN, GENTLEMAN, GIRL GENTLEMAN, BUTCH, DYKE, DAUGHTER, SISTER, BAD, DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT...etc.

"People just like to label."

She looked at her black T-Shirt (with 'affix label here' written in the middle, originally) now covered with labels.

"But what do you see beneath these labels?"

*pause*

She took off her shirt and threw it aside. Letting us all take in the half-nudity.

Terbeliak mata I.

I was shocked. That was my first theatre show - seeing (some) nudity. Eh, strip club doesn't count, okay! Breathe, Chi, breathe.

She then wrote something on the stick-on note, and tap it on her bare breast (over the small tattoo she has on her left breast).

The word was LOVED.

Lights faded out slowly...

Party, anyone?

2005-11-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

J: Hey, do you have to work this Saturday?

Me: No. Why.

J: Are you free in the afternoon?

Me: Ermmm...maybe. What time.

J: Like late afternoon.

Me: Oh...I have to go to DC.

J: Do you really have to go? You should come to the party with me. I bet you'll love it.

Me: *raises eyebrow* Huh? Nah, I really have to go to DC. My friend from Japan is coming and I'm organizing an exchange meet with her, her friends (from Soka University Japan) and Soka Gakkai Student Division members here.

....................................................................................

K: Hey, are you free this Saturday between 4.30 - 7.30pm?

Me: Erm...I'm going to DC. Why.

K: Awww...you're gonna miss the great party.

Me: I can't go to the party...why does it have to be this Saturday.

K: You have to come, it's a sex toy party! You'll love it! *wide grin*

Me: Huh? *heartbeat accelerates* Well, I don't play toy with strangers, especially if it's a sex toy. :P

Something Big in FYI

2005-11-06T02:33:00.000-05:00

Now I'm sitting here, wondering if my immediate family is that torn apart. No, not so harsh...say...broken. Yup. Why didn't I get the big happy news of what's going on in MY family from my own sibling(s)? Instead, I knew about the event from my aunt - an FYI email (cut and paste some more, from another 'gossiping' (opppsss...better say 'keeping you abreast of things happening') aunt back home.

As I read what's going on in the email, I felt like a stranger. Yes, it's a great news indeed. A bungalow - a big shelter for the family, and everyone (relatives) is welcome to stay if visiting. Plenty of rooms. How many in exact? No idea. Just from the description I had - it's big.

It's kinda irony for a Chinese daughter to feel this way - I don't 'belong' to that house/home. Of course I'd be welcome even if I arrive at the doorstep unannounced. But which category would I be placed? Immediate family or big family?

It's not my home. My home is...I don't know. How would you define home? I think I'm 'homeless' and yet 'home-ful'.

I need a hug.

Saving Face

2005-10-30T01:19:00.000-05:00

Halloween weekend. I should have gone out - with or without costume. But I didn't. I thought I would - go downtown to Fells Point with S. Well, it's too late for her - by the time I get off work and get ready. *sigh*

My movie night with W and X was cancelled. In the end, I stayed home - watched my MUCH anticipated movie, Saving Face, which has just came out in DVD and arrived at my mailbox.

Roomate K made cheesecake. It's delicious. Had a glass of wine. Watched Saving Face. What an enjoyment, a solitary enjoyment.

Saving Face

Dutiful daughter Wil (Michelle Krusied) sidesteps her mother's (Joan Chen) attemptes to marry her off in Alice Wu's romantic comedy set in New York. At 28, Wil's the old maid of her traditional Chinese family, so there's no way she can tell them about her budding romance with Vivian (Lynn Chen). But there's no avoiding mom's meddling matchmaking when she shows up on Wil's doorstep looking for a place to stay.

Gosh, her mum's pregnant at the age 48! And Wil is a doctor (woohoo! smart gene ;)), a lesbian Chinese doctor (pretty too!). Vivian's a prima ballerina. Oh, she's super cute and sexy! Yeah, I know...how can you juxtapose 'ugly but adorable' and sexy together. :P Oh boy...I just love the twists and turns of the drama/movie! I feel a kind of deja vu.

Oh, what IF my mum get pregnant 2-3 years from now. And...and...me having a stepdad. Would I be ok with her? Would she be 'ok with me'?

Ahh...the show

2005-10-27T02:57:00.000-04:00

There I was, pretty and proper and smelled good. The crowd - more than half were queer. Yay! :P Under the spotlights, I delivered my lil speech (introduction). Ahh...no pressure. Theatre major mah. :P

Magdalen was phenomenal! Oh, she sounded great. Like, like...the asian 'tori amos'. And she played the guitar and piano and a lil hand drum perfectly, while singing! Very down to earth-entertaining.

One of my pretty (and sexy) classmate, S (from Iran), came. I was like, 'WHOAAAAA...she came after all!'. ;P

Back to Magdalen - at the end of the show, I bought 2 of her CDs - smashing the ceiling and fuck bush. Yes, I LOOOOOVE that fuck bush song. ;P And 'chink' song. It's so Chinese-like. Haha...she had this lil chat in between songs and to know that how her Chinese background (how her parents like, how they react to certain things) was like really warmed me up - the similarity we had ;P like the money issue...the 'not touchy' kinda relationship...the 'we gave you good education and now what, what are you doing to your future?'...bla bla bla. Heh.

You know, as I was rushing to class today, I passed by my gym and I saw her there, jogging! Ooooo! I wanted to drop by and say hi, but I was rushing, so I didn't. Fyi, I'm living in Marriot Hotel Apartment, where 2nd to 5th floor are catered to students (mostly international) and staff of Towson University. So, the rest of the floors are for guests. She's staying here!!! In the same building! :P And then, after class, I went to the Starbucks next door, hoping I'd bumped into her again. But she wasn't there. I saw my close friends, hung out with them. And then...there she was - walked past with D (her drummer), heading to Towson town for dinner! Oooooo... ;)

After the concert, we talked. Bla bla bla... To cut the story short, we (me and her friends) went to Bateman's (a bistro/restaurant/pub) which is on campus. Yay! Had Cosmopolitan. So 'sex and the city' :P Her friends were cool. 2 guys - gay and straight. So, 5 of us (including D, the drummer)...really had a great time there! It's karaoke night at Bateman's - a bunch of my theatre friends were there too! Whoaaaaa...like I knew 'everybody' there. Saying hi and stuff :P So popular lah. Hehe... No, Magdalen didn't go up and sing although I wanted her to :P She's done with singing for the day and...she's pretty drunk, even though she didn't finished her Cosmopolitan (half left)! :P

I hope I can jam with her and D. :)

Anxiety Attack

2005-10-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

I think J must have gone crazy with my lil 'fashion parade' for these past 2 days. I just couldn't decide on what to wear tomorrow--Magdalen Hsu-Li Concert/Performance! I'd be one of the hostesses.

Should I wear this? That?
Should I cut my hair? Make it short and crazy like Shane in L Word?
Should I tie my hair or wear it down?

Urgh!!!

I 'ran' to Women's Center and expressed my undecidedness :P

Director: You're fine, wear something nice but no boobs or belly. Ahh, but then I haven't seen you wear anything boobies or belly before. Jeans is fine. You're already pretty, anything will be fine.

Me: *gasps* *blushes* *smiles* Okay...

Got a call today from the Women's Center. What? Dr F asked if I could introduce Magdalen. She later emailed me the 'script' ;P

*hyperventilates*

I'm honored. Eh, the event is sponsored by Women's Center, LGBT Issues Committee, and Queer Student Union, and co-sponsored by other on-campus organizations. Well, this event is in conjunction with the Diversity Series on Race, Class, Gender & Sexual Orientation. Wonder why I'm picked... :P

Magdalen Hsu-Li is an internationally acclaimed singer/songwriter/painter and cultural activist. Chinese American. She's something like Tori Amos and Ani Difranco. Visit Magdalen Hsu-Li's website

Stuff Going On...

2005-10-18T22:50:00.000-04:00

1.) Baby A came with a bruise on his forehead - fell down at home. Ouch!

2.) Roomate J came home and complained about the smell. 'why does it smell so bad...like bad (i forgot the exact word she said) vagina in here?'. *horror face* Saying my pot of soup smells like vagina! How could she! It's lotus roots + peanuts + chicken + dates + a few pieces of dried cuttlefish. what VAGINA?! Made me wonder if she's a closeted lesbian :P Kena ambil langkah berjaga-jaga lepas ni, lepas dia baca ni!

3.) IM chat turned sour with L. I'm feeling really bad, and hurt. I feel...incompetent.

4.) Feeling battered, I walked to Student Union...and bought a mag and some merchandises from the Lambda Rising booth (about LBGT).

5.) Wanted to read at Starbucks but fell asleep upon lying down. Piggie me. :P

6.) Got stood up by WP to attend the QSU (queer student union) meeting. I ended up being there, alone.

7.) Finally got to read the Curve mag (best selling lesbian mag) and Le Cid (French play - assignment) at Starbucks.

8.) Nursing my battered soul...drank my 'vagina' soup with rice for dinner in front of the television (playing tvb drama - VCD ;)).

the weekend

2005-10-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

i've been hanging out much with a close group of malaysian (plus a hongkie guy) girl friends lately - mahjong, playing cards, dinner, starbucks, pool, pub, badminton, supper. my social life is (suddenly) busy. why so much hanging outs?

ease the loneliness.

have a good laugh.

enjoy the company.

warmth of having close and gay friends.

be social - see and be seen.

wanting to hear them break into 'tell laura' song.

friday night

a sudden change in plan resulted in going downtown to a korean karaoke bar. in the dimness and smokiness of the place - i spotted a cute angmoh gal. soooo stood out among the asians. friends made me drank so much so that i have the courage to go over... errr... ehem... didn't do it. but i was pretty tipsy. drank til the place closed, and we're the last ones out. staggered to the car. had no idea what was the restaurant's (korean bbq at 2am) name. silly me, 'bbq-ing' lettuce. silly girl friends singing loudly at the restaurant, the waitress came over and hushed them down. embarrassing lah. remembering shock looks from newly-met-guy-friends upon knowing the history behind 'tell laura' song. feeling face turned redder, heart became fonder.

5-6 hours of sleep. hangover. crappy saturday. worked 12 hours like a zombie. customers 'took turn' coming in - i had no long nap time!

saturday night

good old close friends (the above mentioned) 'accompanied' me for the Coming Out party at a friend's apartment. how supportive of them. thanks! didn't stay long. wanted to hop over to the cast party next door, but friends were getting bored. oh well...kinda torn. so, just hi and bye to the hostess right outside the apartment. hopped into the car, and off to play pool.

sunday

must get up early and go get the surprise gifts... didn't happen - my 'piggie' nature (it's so hard for me to leave the comfort of my bed and beloved pillow). sprang to action upon phonecall from S - 'i'll be there in 10 mins'. had a scone and coffee from starbucks (yummm...the coffee, not the scone) in the car - ride to DC kaikan. feeling super excited upon knowing i'd see L there - darn cofee making my heart beat so fast and so nervous i couldn't give my two cents in the discussion meeting!

missed (still do) the tight hug. felt the soft curls. saw the blotchiness (oh, how adorable) resulted from being the MC - admiring her versatility. gazed (longed) at the soft eyes, voice...(ehem) everything. heard the growl and presented the little (surprise) godiva box. in the box there's 2 heart-shaped chocolate. oh... people looked (jealously) as we shared the chocolates. how funny she looked in the 'lampshade' costume. heh. another sad parting... remembering the 'looks'.

an hour journey on the subway to meet the relatives nearby and from SF and london. oh, what a gay aunts and uncles i have. realizing drama (queens) runs in the family. had way too much oysters, mussels, shrimps, salmon, snow crabs at the japanese buffet restaurant. how i wished she's there...

walking down the hallway back to my apartment later - i felt odd...like i've been away from my apartment for so long, i felt the strangeness. events happened...something anew.

Nice and Warm

2005-10-13T23:17:00.000-04:00

Waking up early in the misty morning to have dimsum and tea...

Seeing baby A making cute faces, doing cute stuff...

National Coming Out Day

2005-10-11T20:57:00.000-04:00

It's national coming out day here. Woohoo! And the QSU on campus is having their regular Tuesday meeting. Due to the special occasion and J's sincere PLEADING (for me to attend the meeting and meet more err...people), I went, alone.
...

The drag show after that was superbly fun, exciting, funny, sexy, and PACKED - full house! It's like a scene from 'the L word' or 'queer as folk'. I've never been so close to so many (dressed up) queers before! WOW! And the show was held on campus! WOW!!!

*hyperventilates*

Did I meet someone? Err...no. But I went (and showed my face), came out *wide grin*.

Creating Drama Everywhere

2005-10-10T23:07:00.000-04:00

The stage resembles a box. A fancy Godiva box. This happens in the box -- center. Audience looks from above. Characters are found in space as audience enters.

As the conversation goes by, the characters move toward upstage left -- at the edge of the box.

A: You know, we rarely meet and our conversation is not like it used to be. I miss the old days.

B: ... looks down.

A: Look at you now, my gosh...your creamy complexion. Your radience... So fresh looking.

B: ... blushes and looks away. Moving a step towards upstage left.

A: steps closer I see you're getting fitter. Firmer. You must have been having a great time moving and dipping around.

B: ... smiles shyly, another step towards upstage left.

A: steps closer So, how's it like being in the fancier place? Everyone adores you, huh. You're sucha sweetie and a sport.

B: ... opens the mouth, but no words. Smiles. Looks away.

A: Did I tell you...you look beautiful. Really. I love the way your eyes changes its color...the way your eyes speak to me. And your brows do things I can't do with mine. It's...

B: ... looks at A, then looks away. Steps away...by this time, B is at the edge of the stage.

A: steps closer It's mesmerizing and beautiful. You're lovely...and exquisitely beautiful.

B: ... looks down, looks away.

A: Please say something?

Lights out. Intermission time. Audience may proceed to consume the beverages and Godiva dipped strawberries, courtesy from the producer and sponsor.

A Lil' Indulgence Over the Weekend

2005-10-10T05:09:00.000-04:00

Roomate J came back with a huge surprise two days ago--a box of strawberries dipped chocolate! Some are 'Halloween shaped'. Haha.

Yummy...

L'amour est un oiseau rebelle

2005-10-10T01:50:00.000-04:00

Gush
Longing
Joy
Softness
Admiration

These are my response words from the painting painted by Chen Chi in 1958.

My chosen song was L'amour est un oiseau rebelle from Carmen. It's a very dear song to me. Fits every words I chose. Right? So...then came the challenging part. I have to transform those (painting, words, music) into a lighting design. I have never touched any of those sophisticated theatrical lighting instruments before. And so, or that project, I'd have to hang, focus, and be the lightboard operator, on top of designing and choreographing/directing. Well, I could choose objects (big cloths - different color/material were commonly used, any object(s) or human(s)). Kinda easy, kinda hard. Could be easy, could be hard. I, hehehe...of course, chose to do a hard one. And so, I was stressing myself to come out with the best design I've ever done.

I searched the lyrics and so understood its content (oh, so je t'aime), and read the synopsis of the opera. I wanted to dedicate that design I've created to L...

It's an artwork. Really. Lighting designer is like an artist (painter) who paints the space with colors. The space is the canvas. And I 'played director' too, to further portray the passion, longing, seduction (playfulness), and amour I have. Colors and focus and cues were carefully chosen and performed.

L'amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser,
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser.
Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;
Et c'est l'autre que je préfère
Il n'a rien dit; mais il me plaît.
L'amour! L'amour! L'amour! L'amour!

Love is a rebellious bird
That nothing can tame,
And it is simply in vain to call it
If it is convient for it to refuse.
Nothing will work, threat or leading,
One speaks, the other stays quiet;
And it's the other that I prefer
He said nothing; but he pleases me.
Love! Love! Love! Love!

L'amour est enfant de Bohême,
Il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!
Si tu ne m'aime pas,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime!
Mais, si je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!
Si tu ne m'aime pas,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime!
Mais, si je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!

Love is the child of the Bohemian,
It has never, never known any law,
If you don't love me, I love you,
If I love you, keep guard of yourself!
If you don't love me,
If you don't love me, I love you!
But, if I love you,
If I love you, keep guard of yourself!
If you don't love me, I love you!
If you don't love me,
But, if I love you,
If I love you, keep guard of yourself!

It's from Carmen. Previously unique...Carmen.

I don't care about the grade I'd get from that. It's not as important. I'm overjoyed, satisfied, and contented that I've done another piece of art that had fulfilled my inner feelings and thoughts in a unique and aesthetic way. A catharsis of emotion? This sense of fulfillment surely surpasses result (grade), for me. Well, if I DO get an A, it'll be a boost, recognition of hard and great work, encouragement, and motivation ;)

Can you imagine me being (playing) Carmen? Lol...

10 years

2005-10-02T05:53:00.000-04:00

I think it was 10 years ago. I'd finally summoned enough courage to perform - solo singing, in front of the whole school. Annual Talentime. I think it's around this time too, you know...end of the year kinda. It was MY FIRST TIME singing solo (how scary was that, my voice was 'lost'. oppsss...don't have to tell the embarrasing moment here) in front of my juniors and seniors. My song was Heaven Knows by Rick Price.

Heaven Knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows...

All of the sudden these words were coming to me while I was in the shower. I downloaded the song and I was weeping, singing along. It was 10 years ago, and I was 'already' singing this song. To whom? I'm singing the song (that was so dear to me) now and I'm actually 'living' the song. It's very emotional...

If I'd perform this song again, I'd sing it with my whole being/life. 10 years...I've gain enough performing and stage experiences. Hhmmmm...how about life experiences? Well...sure. But it's never enough.

Time and Space

2005-09-28T03:55:00.000-04:00

There are certain paths on campus I thought I'd never cross again, because it's rather difficult (emotionally) and painful...thinking of her. I'd never (have to) go to her dorm again, NEVER. Argh, it's excruciating!

But I was there, gone up the flight of stairs that lead to her dorm complex. Still smells the same - sweet laundry smell that I used to smell, before her. Mesmerizing the moments. Ohhh... I should have gave my ride a 'harder' time - go to my apartment and get me! So, there I was, standing there for more than half an hour (agnonizingly), patiently waiting...urgh! Does she has to be that late?!

One of her close friend, A, bumped into me, and I was there, waiting. She must be wondering what the heck I was doing there, she gave me 'that look' like 'I know hwat you are up to' - the same look she gave me when L and I were seeing each other. Oh gawd...

Acting is Doing

2005-09-26T21:04:00.000-04:00

Fun Class Assignment

2005-09-26T01:03:00.000-04:00

This is an assignment where one's required to come up with 5 words as the responses from the fine art image. Also to pair that image with a music/sound one found suitable to evoke/suggest its world...

These were 2 of the images (apart from mine, heh :P) that I love so much, and I could look at them and imagine its world...the stories...or simply just adore and admire the beauty of 'action frozen in time'. Ahh...the beauty of the moment. :)

I feel 'connected' to this image. The person's 5 words were (who chose this) misplaced, lost...I forgot the rest, I was too wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions. :P However, my 5 (response) words are hurt, disappointment, unexpectedness, insecurity, and selfish.

I was ooohhing when this image was put up. His 5 words were happy, joy, mysterious, sophisticated and...I forgot. Well, my 5 words would be sexy, attraction, soft, sophisticated, and desire. Heh.

Clubbing at Downtown Baltimore--Iguana Cantina

2005-09-23T04:26:00.000-04:00

Well, after 2 hours of intense badminton (where I let myself go--smashing every chance I got, targeting at opponents' body. heh :P), rushed home...showered. Shit, time was midnight. Light make up. Sexy lowcut (aah...yeah, decided to dress-up), braless. Eh, it's still warm, my 'engine' was still running from the intense exercise (sweating).

Arrive at 1am. Club closes at 2am. Dang! So, paid the full covercharge anyway--$15 (with free drinks, yup...all you can drink). Still packed. Saw college kid(s) being carried out--too drunk :P

Gay-dar activated. Heck, all were straight. It's kinda weird to see people dance like that--lap dance-y, you know...crotch-butt grinding. I unexpectedly caught in between and guys were pinning themselves at me, at us...went with 3 other gals and a guy (our pimp-cum-bodyguard-cum-driver). Americans! And so, I danced (tried to dance) like those Americans. Eeeek! Drinks spilling and I got wet. From the drinks, okay...nothing else :P I was wondering, my friends too, how come only guys were hitting on me... Eeeek!

Hungry after clubbing. Wanted to enter strip clubs but they're closed :( Dang! Okay, no nude gals to see. So we went to a 24hours Diner. So-called mamak. :P

Got home at 4am. Heck, I have a paper to turn in...why am I still blogging and NOT doing my assignment!? Think I'm gonna sleep...kinda tipsy...sleepy...

Later...

Pelabuhan (Harbor)

2005-09-22T01:51:00.000-04:00

Penantian yang tidak berpenghujung
Kesepian
Hanya deru angin
Hempasan ombak di batu-batu
Dan kicau burung menjadi temanku

an endless wait
loneliness
just the sound of breeze
waves crashing on rocks
and the chirping birds were my company

Kapal bersilih ganti
Datang dan pergi
Dan aku masih di sini
Menanti

ships one by one
came and gone
and I'm still here
waiting

Burung itu menegur
Katanya
Sudah lama kau di sini
Apakah kau masih mahu menanti

the bird spoke
said
you have been here long
do you still want to wait

Senyum

smiled

Ombak menyapa
Katanya
Cukuplah penantian itu
Apalagi yang kau takuti
Pergilah kau dari sini

the waves uttered
said
enough with the waiting
what else do you fear
please go away

Senyum

smiled

Angin menjerit
Katanya
Dunia ini luas
Jangan kau pasangkan tembok-tembok konkrit lesu dan bisu di sekelilingmu
Hanya kerana penantian ini

wind shouted
said
the world is far and wide
don't you put up the weak and silent concrete walls around you
just because of this waiting

Senyum

smiled

Duhai angin
Duhai ombak
Duhai burung

dear wind
dear waves
dear birds

Penantianku tiada berpenghujung
Walaupun berlabuhnya dia nanti bukan untukku
Aku cuma mahu kembali merasa
Secebis kasih itu

my waiting is endless
although when he/she sails not for me
I just want to experience
bits of the love

- written by Art and translated by lotsachi.

Mooncake Festival in the Foreign Land

2005-09-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

I was surprised when J asked if my friend in Malaysia would snailmail me a mooncake again. Well...not anymore. We haven't talked for a period of time. So, no mooncake. But then I just talked to her! And she said she will 'deliver' me some mooncakes next month. My friend, A, didn't get me some in the Asian market when she went grocery shopping. Again, no mooncake!

The night before the actual day, I had a very festive celebration(-cum-my-farewell-dinner-with-O&S, I got laid off?!) where 20+ people gathered in a long table, chatting and joking loudly. Lobsters (oh yes! couldn't remember when was the last time I had one), jumbo shrimps, HUGE fish (yes! I sat right in front of the fish), oyster (they fried it, eeee...too rich, I prefer the one with the shell...fresh!), cuttlefish with vege, unlimited beer (I had only 1...too much good food to drink so much :P), etc. What a fun fun celebation. Never been in sucha LOUD (chinese) environment for a long time already. Amusing and warm...

Came back, looked out and saw the moon. So bright, so round, so full. I stood there for a couple of minutes, admiring...

Finally, the day arrived...it's Sunday. I had my first bite of mooncake in Panda. I got lucky, the boss gave me one to enjoy at home, with J! ;) yay! I'd have a mooncake, tea, and full moon to admire and enjoy at night. With or without J. She slept early. I had to wait til 3.30am for the moon to 'appear' at my balcony. At last... I was tired and sleepy, but I already promised myself that I'd do it - date myself, enjoy the company of myself, lament to the goddess moon, Chang-O, about loneliness, longing, love, lust, L, life... (do u see all the L word?)

Long awaited moment
moon appeared in my balcony
almost dawn
i see beauty
how pure the moon
so clear so round so full so beautiful

enjoying delicious and 'precious' mooncake
dancing reflection of the moon in my tea mug
chill wind breeze
quiet night
occasional air-cond sound
stillness of the night

a moment to spend with loved one
admiring the moon
dark sky illuminated
twinkle little stars
distant satellite(s)
today, the world we live in
such simplicity
such complexity

tears gleaming in my eyes
tears rolling
sang 'yue liang tai piao wo de xin' (moon represents my heart) over and over
achingly longing

it's rather absurb
coldness and warmth of the heart
emotions...
am I pure
am I full
am I round
am I beauty-ful
am I illuminous

"as you light now one, now another
spreading everywhere over the glooms
over the ugliness of the latter day
your light soon will generate the passion
to fire all our tomorrows...
touching people where they are...
I shall never forget..."
- Angels of Peace by Daisaku Ikeda

and so...

2005-09-15T11:48:00.000-04:00

LOL.

Yeah, not thinking straight now. Think I'm gonna have a nap. Oh no! Too much work to do... Argh! What am I, how am I gonna perform this Saturday? A Senator will open the event! AARRGGGHHH! Someone, speak foreign to me! Speak French to me! Whatever European...

Urgh, so not thinking straight. Oh oh, lestening (not even typing straight) to a sexy woman singing in French in lounge-radio.com

Couldn't afford napping

2005-09-14T21:24:00.000-04:00

After class, went to Starbucks to read and get text from Ikeda Sensei's books of poems, Songs of Victory and Songs for My Heart. Spent 2 1/2 hours there, too cold! Packed and left. Saw roomate J with her Trader Joe's bag. Shopped with her, at the mall and TJ. Bought a skirt, not me, her! Would I spent money to buy a skirt? :P

While waiting for her trying on some skirts at GAP, I browsed around. And then...

Why would I thought of her, thought of buying her stuff when I shop...
GAP - LJF, get it?

Came back with heavy shopping bags. Since our bags were too heavy, we didn't stop by at Love Ones (the sex shop) to get a dildo. Haha!

Made dinner together. Fun cooking and eating together! ;) Spagetthi and wine. Yummm...

Housewife?!

2005-09-14T21:16:00.000-04:00

YESTERDAY

Early in the morning, babysitting baby A.
Did laundry.
Baby A left.
Pressed clothes.
Alter my new pants - handstitched (slip stitch; just learned it in costume crew, check out the pictures! boy, am I good or what :P).
Cooked lunch (instant noodle...hehe, okay, not so 'housewife-y').
Took a very long nap.
Worked on sound effects for Saturday's performance.
Microwaved dinner (lazy housewife).
Continued on sound effects.
Erotica bedtime stories...
Bed.

Such Housewife-y

2005-09-14T21:10:00.000-04:00

Spirits

2005-09-13T00:49:00.000-04:00

Have you ever played that spooky game that connects you and your playmates to spirit/ghost, where you can ask any kind of questions to him/her (the spirit/ghost)? I remember when I was in Form 1 (13th Grade), I used to play this with my classmates. It was scary!

It involves a paper where you draw a house (just a circle you trace with a coin, and you label it as 'home' in Chinese character) and a YES and NO. There are 2 types. One you play with a coin (large enough for the amount of player's fingers - each put a finger on the coin), and another, you play with a pencil (long enough for everyone to hold it). Then you 'call' the spirit (the coin/pencil is 'at home'), there are some...I forgot. It's a mantra...I forgot! Once you feel it (the coin/pencil) moving out from home, you could ask anything. Hey, it moved by itself! Everyone swore they didn't move it, there was a force! The most popular questions were about if so and so likes so and so, if so and so will be together with so and so, if so and so will have children and how many, you know...love and relationship and family stuff. And the coin/pencil will move itself to YES and NO. If playing with pencil, it would draw/write! And after you finished asking, you have to invite it back home. Throughout the time when the 'spirit is out' (not at 'home'), no one is allowed to remove his/her finger. They say the spirit would get angry and 'haunt'/'enter his/her body'...at the 'mistreatment' or disrespect. There were times the spirit/ghost just wouldn't go home, and you, we, have to persuade him/her to go home so we can remove our fingers and get back to class! :P

I wanna play this game again, and ask the above questions. Oh, it sounds ridiculous but I...I want to know. I could use some extra help from the spirits/ghosts. ;P

Made up vs. Reality

2005-09-11T05:00:00.000-04:00

I was born in Malaysia. In Malaysia, I'd never been in a serious relationship before. Once I came to US (for studies), suddenly it's a whole new world to me. It's absolute freedom from my parents! And family. Having educated in all-girls school had made me fond and comfortable being surrounded by females. I'd rather choose a female as a comany rather tan a guy. It's not like I hate guys but I just prefer girl. Smeels good, clean and understanding ;)

I found my first love, Christy in Washington DC. We were in the University together. After knowing her, I was so happily in love and I became really obsessed with her. I felt like I'd give the whole universe for her. Love her deeply, truly :)

Looking back to this short piece of writing I did in 2002 for my monologue character is a SHOCK to me. Yes, the 'monologue' I just posted. Now that I'm here, there seems to be no way to sight a palm tree. Bad research...in 2002. :P Heck, how would I know!

My my my!

2005-09-11T04:36:00.000-04:00

I found and DID this! in 2002!!!

I've never been what you'd call a morning person.

I'm the kind of person who wakes up so stunned by sleep I can't remember my own name. But now it's starting to become my favorite time of the day.

The difference? It's her.

Now I get to watch her slide out of the sheets into the new day. Her legs - they're always longest in the morning. I've never known anyone who could be so naked before! She's not in any hurry to do anything about that nakedness. Even though she wears the same thing every day. It's a little present she gives to me, this time. Her standing, back to me, light coming through the palm trees running over her swimmer's shoulders like river water poured through cupped hands.

That's the moment I remember who I am.

Then she swings around to face me, and Jesus! I'm blinded.

Whatta set of knockers!

Now I know why they call them headlights. Until I started going out with her I never realized : tits can be a source of light!

She doesn't even own a bra. Once I asked her why, and she said she didn't believe in them!

I asked her if she worried about her tits falling. She said, "No." She figured that was my job. To catch her tits.

I can be a hard worker!

I'm not particularly known for it, but I can be. So every day I just do my job. I do what I can to start a little landslide in the tit department, and then I scoop them up, using my hands, my mouth, my pussy, whatever's handy.

- excerpt from Clit Notes by Holly Hughes

Babysitting Aarden

2005-09-06T12:36:00.000-04:00

Oh cute Aarden

2005-09-06T12:35:00.000-04:00

Random Thoughts

2005-09-06T02:02:00.000-04:00

Felt festive this morning, afternoon at our early-Thanksgiving party. Awaiting the arrival of guests. Hard time picking on what to wear. Will my invited friends come.

How come there's another LJ. What's with the connection. Why this is happening. A sign. A fate. A play. A joke.

Still in memory. Phone memory. Her asset. Voice. Brought tears to my eyes. Heavy heart. A grief. Alone(liness). Still in memory.

The flirt. The feeling of shyness and courage at admitting and telling what's felt. A reminiscence.

Did as I expect the presence. Heart and soul, feelings and desire poured into the making of the grass jelly drink. Your favorite. Urge to reach out. Cheer you up (if you make your unexpected expected presence). Make you smile. Mutual gush. Did as I felt the need to do something for you to be happy, thrilled, enjoying every single moment and drops of the drink. 1.40am and a glass of grass jelly is waiting for you (refer to the picture). Silence hurts. Ignorance kills.

Running dry on creative ideas. Want me to play director. Back to before. What to do for the future generations. How to perform, again.

Frustration. New co-workers. Looks like relatives. Love or hate. Why stick to the bear. I am struggling. Foolish act. Felt a sense of gratitude. Can't do it. Not yet.

Doubtful of mother's ability. Should I or should I not. Not a very good daughter. Am I going to hurt her with my decision(s). Am not accustomed of her being so near, in my life.

I have discovered my bubble.

Kinda in stress at new working environment. Enjoying the excitement. The rush. Adrenaline pumping. Money is good. Dinner (for employees) sucks.

Playing mahjong (chinese tiles) can be real fun, and ADDICTIVE. Contemplating thoughts on the withdrawal from being too drawn...

Early Thanksgiving Party

2005-09-06T01:16:00.000-04:00

Understanding Cunt

2005-09-01T21:51:00.000-04:00

Reading Cunt provides deep understanding about women, sexuality and my own errr...*blushes* cunt. I just read the part where it touches on how to see your/my own cervix. Yup, do-it-yourself method. Ouch!

You know how at a certain time of the month, you'd 'misbehave' whether it's your temper (so called PMS), food craving (any kind), preference (suddenly you just like something, no reason - ie. feeling like dressing up sexily and go wild dancing), instinct (you JUST know something people don't know you know), sensitivity (breasts)...

It's a WONDER - at different time of the month, the cunt looks, smells, tastes and behaves (more like response) differently. Serious! Take picture (whoa!) or look in hand held mirror. Taste it. Smell it. Touch it. DIY or have your partner do it for you. ;) Biology experiment not in the school textbook! :P

In the context of cunt, it's proved that humans are much more complex than plants with the look, smell, taste and touch. Human cunts can never be the same in those four aspects. Flowers (same species) can smell the same!

Cunt tells me when exactly one is ovulating. Like the exact moment that you can feel 'the egg' - slight twinge of pain in the lower abdomen.

"A woman's body releases an egg once a month. The egg sits around in your uterus, waiting for some sperm to show up. It is not stupid. After 12 to 24 hours, it figures no sperm's gonna take it on a hot date and it makes an exit without further ado." - Inga Muscio

I felt like having tomyum. And so I cooked one, had it in my balcony with an ice coffee. Hot, spicy and sour! Tomyum happens once a month (more likely). Heh :P

Ok, I'm ovulating now. And you (more or less) can understand why I blog this... ehem :P

Yay!

2005-08-30T22:18:00.000-04:00

8.55am - Arrival of baby A (14 months) woke me up. Dang, 5 minutes earlier, no time for me to brush my teeth. Just enough time to put on some clothes :P

9.50am - *sniff sniff* "A, did you poop?" With his cute face, big greenish brown eyes and soft blonde hair, he looked at me for 2 seconds, then said "nope, nope" (shaking his head). So cute. And I went back to watch my TVB drama, him back to playing his toys.

10.25am - "Seriously, A, did you poop?". No response, just the stare from him. I couldn't take it anymore, what's the smell... OMG, yuck! He berak lah! Eeee... Shit, I have to change his diaper. That was a serious case of shit! I have NEVER change a diaper before!

10.35am - I was still cleaning his shit away from his buttock. Figuring how to fasten the diaper. Eeeek! I pulled the tab too hard, it came off. Shit! More shit stuck on his soft buttock. Eeeek! My left hand is kinda tired of holding up his legs while I wiped away. "Why are you smiling at me? Huiyo! Why you said no when I asked you just now?" He answered with a bigger smile. Issshhh...so cute! Then I let go off his legs because he was whining. Gosh... Okay, more persuasion. This time, he lifted his legs for me and opened wide - whoaaa...so cooperative, huh! ;)

11.15am - Daddy T arrived to take baby A away.

1.30pm - Had my leftover honey beef lunch. Yummm...still so delicious. My first time cooking the beef last night! Shared some with my Japanese roomate, K. She loved it!

3.30pm - Still watching the TVB drama. Gosh, better go prepare to go for interview - waiting table.

4.30pm - Met the boss, J. "Nope, no Saturday and Sunday. Can't do it." Yeah lah, how to say "I quit" to Panda? Bla bla bla... Yay, go to work on Fri afternoon. What? Black or blue polo shirt? Dang. Have to go buy... *sigh*

5.45pm - Still looking for polo shirt in that big shopping mall. Gee! How difficult it was! Looked into every clothes stores. There's none in Polo Sport or Polo Ralph Lauren (not boutique, just rack and small section in Hechts)?!

6.00pm - Bumped into my English professor with his wife. I looked kinda tired and frustrated already, walking alone...searching. He's so cheerful. Dang, haven't done my English paper. Due at 9pm - send him email!

6.05pm - Ahhh...finally got one - Aeropostle. Spent $10.50 for one. *phew*

6.30pm - Went shopping at Trader Joe's. Bought an orange juice (calcium added - nice...don't have to drink milk. Not that I don't like it, but sometimes I'm lactose intolerent), tiramisu! and lettuce. Eh, saw a gothic looking lady outside TJ.

6.40pm - Walking behind the gothic lady. Hmmm...where's she going.

6.45pm - My apartment building! Didn't know there's a gal this gothic living here. OMG, 2nd floor corridoor! My new neighbor! Whoaaaa... I said "hi", talked a lil bit, peeped into her just-moved-everything-in apartment. She said, "see ya, honey". Huh!? Called me honey... hhmmm...Hhhhmmmmmm...

8.56pm - Sent my paper to the English professor. Phew! Thanks J for proofreading it and corrected a few grammatically (silly) mistakes.

When I'm done with this blog, I'm gonna go enjoy my tiramisu over a hot italian roast coffee! Yummmmm....

Chicken and Fish

2005-08-29T04:03:00.000-04:00

I can't remember how long since I ate a fish (whole) with its body intact, you know...with its eyes 'glaring' at you while you're digging and tearing its flesh. Heh. Very long time ago...months! Well, not that I didn't have the opportunity to eat a fish, but it's been salmon, salmon and salmon - filet. So when the chef uncle was cleaning the (whole) fish in panda's kitchen, I was staring longingly (admiring) at the beauuuutiful body (the fish, not the chef uncle lah! :P), its scales being de-scaled away. I thought it's for the you know, business. But when I saw those fish, cooked, for our dinner, I was jumping in joy! Haha. Soooo happy! Mmmm...the whole kitchen smelled of the fish ;)

I wanted (so much) to drop everything I was doing - attending customers, and just sit there for our special dinner (fish and fried chicken wings to be eaten with sweet and sour sauce). Oh boy! I was so rushing, almost running in and out - dining room to kitchen, etc. Finally, the moment came. I was so moaning (tried not to be too loud about it :P). It's like having an orgasm. Haha! Oh yeah...kinda fishy. J and T (boss and coworker) said it's too fishy for them and they stopped eating the fish. B (the delivery guy) left because the dinner was served late. Hurrah! I got more to eat ;P So so so satisfied...

MmmmMMmmmm......... ;)

B called later, he's at Holy Frijoles (one of the cool bars we went to, weeks ago) at Hampden, having pizza and beer. There's some lesbians at the bar! ;) hahaha... I got so excited and I told him to come fetch me after my job's done (urgh, many side jobs to do...). He did. And so we went. Had half a Natty Boh (the Baltimore beer) in the car, u know...just to relax, chill-out and 'summon the courage'. Haha! It's illegal to drink in the car even though one's not driving but heck, we DID it!

There were some lesbians there. Pretty ones not many. I bumped into my theatre friend, Br. Gosh! Talked abit. He's gonna direct a Eve Ensler's play 'The Good Body' somewhere in the end of the year and he needs 10 women, from Towson University ;) He's kinda 'inviting' gals he wanna work with to audition for it. Well...let's see ;)

B and I saw one hot gal sitting at the bar, next to us. I was trying to get eye contact with her. We're both figuring out if she's gay. She touched her girl friend's back, stroked her shoulder, back... Whoaaa! Definitely gay! :P Taken? :S So we're both fighting for the same gal. What an intense fight. We even have a picture of it to prove it - us trying to kill each other with the tabasco sauce bottle (so wanted to break it, more dramatic. :P). We made the hot gal be our photographer. I was so 'chicken' I made B go and asked her to take our picture. Hehe... The backdrop of us is a picture of 2 women, naked - sculpture.

I followed her to the bathroom and waited for her outside the door. Br saw me sitting there alone, he came and talked to me. Gee! And then the hot gal came out, passed by me. Oh! Br really spoiled everything. That's my perfect moment to approach her and poof! gone... :(

We stayed until the bar closed. The hot gal and her girl friend were still sitting there. Okay...guess she's really very into her... Sadly, we went out. Went home. Kinda drunk...

There you go, my chicken and fish tale.

Haikus for Aunt Bening

2005-08-25T02:15:00.000-04:00

See young Benjamin
Talking running and whining
Giving you headache

See my uncle Joe
Wrapping packing and working
Provide everything

Fortunate auntie
Cooking cleaning and driving
Living in Fairfax

Wonderful auntie
Wish you healthy and beauty
Happy birthday too

Relaxing Monday

2005-08-22T19:09:00.000-04:00

I'm out in my apartment's balcony, sun tanning by the water (we have a kid's pool, patio table and chairs), listening to internet radio (www.lounge-radio.com), sipping ice italian coffee, doing stuff on Internet...enjoying myself.

Gosh, I'd be working 12 hours everyday from tomorrow until Sunday! School's gonna start on Monday. I need more money and is given the opportunity to work my ass off, yay!

There's only one pool here in this building (Burkeshire Marriot Hotel) and it's in our balcony! Nice, huh. ;P The picture is nice, but the pool is not (dirty lah, needs cleaning).

I saw a helicopter hovering above for like 2 minutes. It's like it's checking me out, checking our pool out. Whoa! I wonder if it takes recording of 'things happening' (including traffic, and 'weird' stuff) for a tv station. I was talking to J, told her to check the news. I might be in it with a headline screaming 'asian lady desperate for a beach/resort vacation?'.

Haha!

Intoxicated me

2005-08-22T17:53:00.000-04:00

Saturday night - thought I'd have a relaxing 'date' with 'the L word' after a long hectic day at Panda, but my plan was interrupted by W's call - invitation to a BBQ hosted by a chinese friend of his friend. I must be in a 'yay-lets-go-out-and-meet-people' mood that I ignored my exhaustion and went with him.

So many chinese guys! We kinda 'regretted' that we were there. Not much ladies. And then a tall (around 6 feet!) pretty gal walked in and took our breath away. LOL. We 'inched' closer to her and backed up - shy :P, then we summoned enough courage and sat with her group of friends, played some chinese games (including the paper-scissor-stone game). Chatted, got to know a bit about each other. She studies at UMCP (aiyo...). Wow...the way she speaks English - sexy! Haha. Yeah, with good American accent. And how fast she can switch back to her native chinese mandarin! Impressive! Smart too - been changing majors. So undecided (there might be a hint ;P). Drank some beer. Moved inside, to the basement. Played some pingpong (there's a mini table down there). Grouped together, partnered up and played one confusing chinese (counting) game. Of course, the guys all wanted to be her partner. :P But I was her partner, with another guy - threesome. Ehem...nothing sexual! Then we changed partners, but still sat next to each other ;P

The circle grew tighter with people joining us. Obviously, then we sat closer. Rubbing shoulders and thighs. Ehem. I checked the fingers - short nails. Forgot about the ring finger and index finger! Argh! So soft - she touched me. So womanly - her curves. So long - her legs. She leaned on me - my heart skipped a few beats. Excited. Too much to drink. The guys offered her a ride, some wanted her to sleep over and he (many he(s)) would give her a ride home the next day. I'd offer her a ride if I have a car, but unfortunately I don't. Good old W, he picked up my intetion and offered her a ride!

She thought we're married (W and I, WTF! Heck no :P). She thought we're a couple (no, but people always say that). I told her we're just friends. Hehe. Since she has sucha model's legs, she sat in front. And the she complained, she'd rather sit at the back. Ehem...with me? And what? Good old W, he said 'sure, go ahead if you want'. I was hoping she'd climb over. Hoping there'd be some 'actions', backseat. Didn't happened. In my drunkness, I heard her saying she doesn't have a bf, doesn't have a gf. :O I wanted to get into that, but forgot what happened - changed subject. Ceh.

In a nick of time, W reached my apartment - SO FAST! I reluctantly got out of the car, S (her name) said something about keeping in touch. Duh, I should have taken her number right away. Silly things alcohol can do to your brain - I told her to give it to W, I'll take it from him and we'll hang out sometime.

Found out later - he forgot to take her number. She forgot to give him her number... He promised to ask a friend to ask a friend (the list may go on) for her number, FOR ME ;)

Aiks, what am I doing?

mucho deniro

2005-08-19T01:14:00.000-04:00

How much money do you have to have in your wallet and your saving/checking account in order for you to feel 'secure'...? In Malaysia, I NEED to have more than RM10 in my wallet whenever I go out. When my bank account reaches less than RM500, I'd 'shout out' to my mum. :P Exchange rate is RM3.8 to US$1. Here, well...I feel secure even with just a few dollars BUT I have to have my VISA check card ;P Here, everywhere accepts check card. Yup, you go grocery shopping...a few dollars worth of stuff - just pay with check card. Say in Malaysia, you have to have loads of cash when you go eat in kopitiam or buy stuff from kedai runcit ;P

*sigh*

Today, I wrote a check of $2,XXX - paid to the university. My hard earned money. All my savings! Now I'm down to $XX - not enough to pay for my rent, phone bill, utility bill, schoolbooks to buy... I didn't have a summer vacation. I didn't go anywhere. The closest 'vacation' (if you consider it so) I had was a visit to L's parents' house - 3 days 2 nights. The next closest 'beach vacation' would be DIPPING in a kids' pool and sitting with a book, cold drink and laptop - sun-tanning by the water (the kids' pool, okay) IN MY APARTMENT BALCONY. Very hard to say bye-bye to summer in Florida but I've got to save the money...

*sigh*

If I have to pay my tuition fees with the in-state status, I would be 'richer' by now - I would have more clothes in my wardrobe, I would have more shoes/sandals, I would have started paying back my loan money, I would have gotten a car, I would have semi-supported my mum back home, I would have have a more colorful life (heh, not that it's not colorful now...but with a car, I would have done more...would have gone out more...party more...see more...do more...). This is a very hard way of learning on being responsible on my life, in my life. And I chose this...

Colorful too, at the end of the day :)

Lagenda (Legend)

2005-08-17T02:16:00.000-04:00

This is a secret most people don't know about me. I'm a very patriotic and Malay-loving person. Very so that people often mistaken me as the little Malay girl when I was a kid. I looked and talked like a Malay (good Malay accent). I can still pass as a Malay now! ;) With tan skin and not-so-straight-hair and exotic facial feature, many Chinese people (including my ex-roomates! haha! soooo hilarious at their puzzled faces upon knowing I was their roomate and I replied them in Chinese) would speak to me in Malay or English.

Ahhh, back to my secret - the first album I bought was Sheila Majid's Lagenda.I was 12 years old. ;) I love this song so much. So much that I could go through blowing and sucking THE HARMONICA over and over again - playing this song. Heh. Oh yeah, I can play the harmonica. Just need to be very sure of where to blow and suck...a proper and controlled use of breath. Tongue as needed ;)

Eh, do I sound dirty again? Don't intend to :P

This song is written/dedicated to the late Tan Sri P. Ramlee, the greatest legendary artist in Malaysia (in fact, in Malay society in South East Asia). He is a singer, writer, musician, actor, comedian...etc - a total performer. Yes. There is a P. Ramlee Museum somewhere, I forgot, in Malaysia. But I know where the P. Ramlee Street is, in Kuala Lumpur (the capital of Malaysia). I love that street! It's the hottest (okay, one of the hottest) clubbing area in KL! Right, I miss it terribly much.

Anyway, here's the song.

Sejuta bintang di angkasa (a million stars in the universe)

Sinarnya mempersona (its mesmerizing glitter)

Sebutir bintang di taman seni (one star in the arts' garden/park)

Cahayanya berseri (its splendour light)

Biar bertahun masa beredar (no matter how many years gone by)

Satu wajah satu nama (a face a name)

Takkan pudar (will not fade)

Tetap jelas di ruang mata (still a vivid imagination)

Setiap gerak gaya (every move and gesture)

Bergetaran merdu sinar (melodious vibes shine)

Di persada budaya (on cultural stage/level)

Hingga kini menjadi sebutan (til now it's being spoken/mentioned)

Tetap terpahat namamu di ingatan (your name is etched in memory)

Oh, kaulah satu-satunya (oh, you're the only one)

Di antara berjuta (amongst millions)

Insan teristimewa (an extraordinary being)

Oh, patah tak tumbuh lagi (oh, broken would never be grown again)

Hilang belum berganti (lost and haven't been replaced)

Kerana kau tersendiri (because you're one of a kind)

Kau kebanggaan kita (you're our pride)

Kau budayawan bangsa (you're the nation's cultured person)

Engkau lagenda (you're a legend)

- Sheila Majid

Menghitung Hari

2005-08-17T00:21:00.000-04:00

How such poetry lyrics and melody move me to tears... :'(

Menghitung hari detik demi detik (counting the days moment by moment)

Masa ku nanti asa kan ada (the time I'm waiting for will be there)

Jalan cerita kisah yang panjang (storyline, a long tale)

Menghitung hari (counting the days)

Padamkan saja kobar asmaramu (just put out your flames of passion/desire)

Jika putih itu tak kan ada (if there is no truth)

Yang aku minta tulus hatimu (what I ask is your sincerity)

Bukan puitis (not pretense)

Pergi saja cintamu pergi (just let go your love away)

Bilang saja pada semua (just tell everyone)

Biar semua tahu adanya (let everyone know of its existence)

Diriku kini sendiri (now I'm all left alone)

- Kris Dayanti

First Love

2005-08-16T23:23:00.000-04:00

My heart still swells...my eyes still glisten with tears...when I hear this song...

Sai gou no kisu wa
tabako no fla vor ga shita
niga kute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni iru n darou
Dare wo omotteru n darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashi uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugokidasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anata wo omotteru n darou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever

- Utada Hikaru

Once in a while you are in my mind
think about the days that we had
and I dreaming that those all coming back to me

if only you knew every moment and time
nothing coz all in my heart
that's why can never is how i long
here to be with you
once more

you are always gonna be the one
and you should know
how i wish i could have never let you go
come back to my life again
oh don't say no

you are always gonna be the one in my life
so true i believe i can't never find
somebody like you
my first love

once in a while you are in my dreams
i can feel the world for your embrace
and i pray that will never come back to me

only you knew every moment and time
nothing coz all in my heart
that's why can never is how i long
here to be with you
once more

you are always be inside my heart
and you should know
how i wished i could have never let you go
come back to my life again please dont say no

now and forever you are still the one
in my heart
so true i believe i can never find
somebody like you
my first love

you are always gonna be the one
and you should know
how i wished i could have never let you go
come back to my life again oh don't say no

you will always gonna be the one
so true i believe i can't never find
now and forever
true love

- Utada Hikaru/Jessa Zaragoza

(re)Discoveries

2005-08-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

I was 'commissioned' to create a performance (again) for the SGI-USA Baltimore Youth Festival. I've been part of the planning/working committee of this event. I was deeply flattered my suggestion of the theme was used - 'a day of discovery'. Initially, it was supposed to be very collaborated and outreached (to other religious groups, diverse community) and also very festive (vendors and stuff). Being in the planning group (I was in performance committee. There were food, arts and crafts, exhibition, games, clean-up, marketing/advertising/publicity committees) made me aware and learned much about the process of creating such an outdoor event like this, here in USA. Some things weren't properly organized and collaborated (of course, we're all humans and such amateurs :P). But in the end, these are invaluable knowledge of dos and don'ts in the future. :)

I was requested to perform the May 3 performance I did with L for this festival. However, it's not possible. She couldn't make it. Futhermore, it's not really suitable for such space and environment. No doubt it was a GREAT, meaningful and impressive performance but it didn't seem right. The performance we created was specifically for an indoor space and requires a multimedia screen. The objectives of that piece were to instill mentor and disciple spirit, promote human revolution and awareness of individual mission and inspire hope and dream. :) With a touch of American flavor ;) I mean, targetted at American audience/members.

I decided to create a solo performance. Something fusion. Butoh and Noh inspired dance theatre. While I was crafting, planning everything in my head (for quite a long time), I was kinda lost of what and how to create another impactful and interlayered and artistic and simple and beautiful and breath-taking performance to best serve the 'discovery' theme. How (in what approach) should I use/employ the text 'Strategy of the Lotus Sutra'. I was so drifting in a wide (sometimes stormy, sometimes calm) sea. How could I not...with the happenings taken place this summer.

With some ideas and directions in my head, I finally decided to work/draft and re-doing the draft to perfection. I searched and listened to wide selection of songs (samples, online). I was crushed when the music editting software I had didn't work. Some softwares downloaded didn't work as well. I looked everywhere, downloaded stuff and testing everything - anything to do with designing my soundscape. Finally I found one - AM Sound Edittor and Recorder (that allows me to record anything I hear through my audio card. Wow! I could then 'borrow' the short clips of music I hear in Amazon). So the compiling and editting started. Choreographing Butoh wasn't a difficult task. Soon, everything fell in place. I even got a collaborator - CM for my piece. She's a harpist. With her doing the music live, it created more impact to my (our) performance. 2 performances happening at the same time, on the same stage could be connected to each other, or not. I made it to be like a 'happy accident' and let the magic of theatre take it from there. Very discoveri-al, huh. Is there a word? Hehe...

Nobody knew how my piece looked like. The committee gave me full trust and confidence that whatever I create would be truly wonderful and great. Do I like this kinda freedom? Yes and no. Yes - I could do whatever I want. No - I need constructive feedbacks and criticism. Back in Malaysia, the committee ('people above', hehe) would have turned purple if they don't know what's happening of such and such, in such and such. ;P

I was so nervous and stressed of my performance. It's my first solo performance (it's still my solo performance although there's another being on stage performing with me) debut outdoor, in front of Americana audience, in front of hundreds of strangers at the park! On the day, I think there's only around a hundred people (our target was 300). I was so stressed over my studies and finance too. Couldn't sleep at night, felt something's pressing me down so hard (the burden on my back and shoulder), no appetite, 'losing' myself with alcohol (not to the drunk state, just tipsy :P), sleeping til afternoon - not wanting to get up and face the reality. Urgh. What a life state. I should chant. I know.

"to accept is easy, to sustain is difficult..." - ND.

I was trapped in my own little world - sometimes strong sometimes vulnerable. Well, strong outside, vulnerable inside. A very humane thing everybody possesses whether they realize it or not, admit it or not.

So yesterday, Aug 14, it was the D-day. It's summer now. Humid yesterday. We're out. Luckily I'm very accustomed to hot and humid weather. Didn't have any problem or uneasiness. But poor some 'angmohs' :( A butoh performance outdoor, on a very hot stage floor made it even more butoh, for me. Butoh's about body in crisis, dance of the darkness, body at edge, beauty within the ugliness/darkness. Doing butoh to an open sky, huge field, lake was very profound. I realized and truly felt how wide and open the world is...how could I still surpressing myself over my dilemmas and crisis? Anyway, back to the performance. It was greatly admired, praised, and perceived by the audience. I felt closer to the Gakkai community here - more people. I succeeded in touching, inspiring, moving (to tears), spreading my messages/philosophies (within my piece). I felt victorious. Mostly victorious over my alienation of stress that I was feeling. Yes, an ability a great actor should possess. I (re)discovered that I could still 'alienate'.

I wanted to celebrate my success. W was there, for support. Good old W, always there when I need him. What a great friend :). We went to Inner Harbor. We reserved a table at Cheesecake Factory Restaurant (fancy! by the water, good looking people ;)) I treated myself with an iced americano at Starbucks at Barnes and Noble (the cool and big bookstore by the water) while reading lesbian novel and ehem...erotica ;P Had our fancy dinner (I had grilled mahi-mahi. It's a fish. Not very good...not very smooth - the flesh). Went to 'The Block' - a block where the gentlemen's clubs are. Walked in to the Pussycat Club. A woman was checking me out (oh boy!). And the dancer was nude! Then we left, went in and out - checking other clubs. Finally, I 'persuaded' W to go back to Pussycat Club, have a beer and see ONLY 2 gals/dances (have to tip them after they danced, it's expensive to stay long). I had a brief eye contact with the second dancer. And she was flashing her....at us. And she's damn horny... Errr...yes. Very. I was shocked. Pulled on my poker face :P Later she came to us (asking for tip lah) and chatted with us, me. Flirting with me. Yes! Later, she touched my boob, argh! Her excuse to do that - checking my tan line. Oh yeah, back track, one of the bouncers asked if I'm looking for a job there. Wow...I'm 'that' sexy?! Yeah. Err...no. :P

There you go...a very long discovery experience(s).

Mutuality in Slumberland

2005-08-09T21:40:00.000-04:00

I was still in bed, sleeping (if I have a mirror above my bed, it'll look like image of Bette in the opening segment of 'The L Word' Season 2), when she came in showering me with light kisses.

Babe, what are the chunks of cheese doing in our fridge? She's not a cheese-chunk person, so am I.

Mmmm...it's for cheese cake.

*chuckles* You can't make cheese cake with those, silly. Aiks, I'm still not very educated in types of cheese :P

*grins at my sillyness* Well...it's for spaghetti then.

Back to sleep.

She came back and I was still in bed (same position). Light kisses.

Wake up, babe. I got you some cream cheese and stuff to make cheesecake.

Oh? How nice of you...what did I do for you to be sucha darling to me?

*grins sheepishly and lovingly* Mmmm...well...you know...what you did to me...early this morning...

Huh? What...what did I do?

Gosh, so baaad... *still the sheepish grin* She then told me IN DETAIL of the bla bla bla that I did to her and bla bla zzzzzz...

...haiku of the bla...

rubbing on the face
lying sideway like foetus
that is how we sleep

rubbing and closer
rapid breath and moans I heard
sensuous thrust I felt

what time is it, babe
eyes still closed must be a dream
soft hand travelling

gentle and light kiss
are you hungry for it now
must be a yes moan

i know way around
feeling kissing in the dark
way down to the lust

sensing you want more
knowing from the moan and breath
give you even more

say I'm very bad
how bad can it be, baby
feel like ecstasy

it's a flood down there
wonderful and sweet you are
I love you, baby

yes, I do you know
feeling you on me as well
tired, drift to sleep

...

Then I woke up to the sound in kitchen, J's back from work. Asked (actually yelled from my room, so she could hear me...she can't come in my room when I'm in bed :P) if we're gonna make cheesecake. She's not feeling well. Oh. She took a nap.

She's up. I checked on her. Saw her looking at cheesecake recipe online! *sheepish grin* Oh, feeling better already. Can make cheesecake! She had a dream of cheesecake and me related - I was yelling at her for the cheesecake. Oh really! Bla bla bla... :P

We went (walked to!) Trader Joe's and got stuff for New York Cheesecake. On the way, saw an accident (happened already) at the intersection. Quite bad, head-on. Don't know how these people drive. Broad daylight! Complimented for her good vibes on 'traffic radar' (she strongly suggested that we walked to Trader Joe's instead of driving there), mine was very much tuned to 'gay-dar'. :P

Walked past Love Ones - a sex toy shop. Oh, 25% off, let's go in and get a dildo or something :P. No, you don't need that. See...25% off for lubes and gel. Ceh. Never mind.

Went in Barnes and Noble, walked past racks of magazines... Before I could touch the gay and lesbian mags she pulled me away. Aiyoo! But we did stop at the gay and lesbian section, wanted to check if they have Cunt, the book she recommended me to read (stories about women, not lesbian per se). Nope, didn't find it. I saw a book I wanna read - Crybaby Butch. Hehe... She hurried me away. Off to TJ! Saw some lipstick roses...mmmm...how I itched to buy :(

Akan ku beli jika si dia menjelma di pekan...boohooohooo...

Stopped by liquor store and got some goodies for a guest that's coming (but she changed her plan, some time later when we're busy making the cake).

As we don't have a blender and mixer for the cake, we did everything the 'ghetto' (quoted from J) way - the best way to 'cream' the mixture. So, I experienced the hard-but-fun way she and L had when they were making tiramisu for me (my birthday - they made me a cake I love, how very sweet and touching...). That time, I was shoo-ed away from my apartment!

Making food is like doing chemistry experiment - not difficult if you can follow the instruction ;) Ahhh, now let the heat do the work ;)

Yay, cheesecake! I'm drooling already... The whole apartment is smelling of it. Bet the whole corridor smells like it too :P

How my watch tells a story

2005-08-08T23:58:00.000-04:00

Two weekends ago, B (the delivery guy at Panda) commented on how butch and tough looking my watch was, still is. Oh really? I didn't realize my DKNY metal watch could impose butchness (is there a word?). ;P He saw my reaction and apologized if I was offended. Well, no...but the opposite. Told him I'm half butch. He looked puzzled, later (a week later) confessed he's very shocked, didn't know what to say.

He came back from delivery, he excitedly told me those three gals (he delivered the food to) - just came out from shower, hardcore crazy and dirty lesbians, smoking marijuana. Oooo...I told him I wished I was there ;P. How fun that'd be! He said, no...I wouldn't wanna be there (eh, like he knows my type :P, but seriously, those AREN'T my type lah. Haha). T, the (packing) carryout auntie overheard our conversation in the kitchen and pulled a homophobic look (upon hearing shower and lesbian). Nah, she (still) thinks I'm straight :P

Innocently I asked, so what did they eat?. Oh, he then answered with a wicked grin. Yeah... Haha! ;P

So, he told me about the bars at Hamden - nice crowd, straight and gay. Aiks...the (party) animal inside me was growling. Haha ;P

On Saturday, I said lets go and check out the place, pick up some chicks :P. Haha. If she's straight, you can have, otherwise, she's mine. :P Great.

So I was bouncing in my seat in his cool Scion (with cool colorful lights installed below seats, hidden everywhere, make the car seems like a disco...oh, the sound system, blasted me way) to R n B and hiphop. I was yelling over the loud music at two cute ladies in the car next (slightly in front of us) to us. Haha... They didn't hear :(, if they did, I'd swear I'd turn into a 'shy lobster' ;P

Went to a Mexican bar (no mexican people, all whites). Talked, had beers, had margarita (me, not him - gay for him ;P and besides he's afraid he couldn't handle himself after tequila. Apparently tequila gives u another kind of drunkness :P. Uh huh), had burito (picked at his burito, I had plenty of food at Panda before that, he didn't eat his dinner at the restaurant, so I ate his portion as well... :P, mummy said not nice wasting food. True?). Aiyaa, come to think of it, it's rather dumb lah, huh - the way we acted, like a couple... How're we gonna pick up somebody? :P

He told me (actually yelling, bar music you know, and alcohol...) he's actually a lesbian - a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Yeah right... I asked his type - since we were at the what's-your-type subject (while checking people out). Big boobs? Nope, don't have to. Big bootie? Nope, not too big, not too flat. Huh? Like whose? Ermm...like yours.

*luckily it's kinda dark enough for him to notice my blushing* :P Haha.

He said I cracked him up. Amused him. Uh huh.

We went to the bar opposite. Had another Nati Bo (National Bohemian Beer, nice, in bottle), in can - aiks, bottled better. Said hi to two chicks... That's it, no further conversation...L in mind.

Oh...

Left that bar with beer can in hand. Beware of cops! Not supposed to drink and walk here :P. Giggling away, taking pic by the bar, by the bench right nextx to a sleeping homeless (his mouth was opened, I didn't really look, but there might be some drool...ewwww), by the Baltimore crab (I struck a pose - beer can in hand, mischieviously fingering the crab's crotch ;P). Got into this bar called 'hon bar' (hoping would find lotsa hon there lah ;P). Another cute butch bartending, hehe. Eyes locked for a while but nothing happened. I didn't approach the bar, B bought me the beer. Hmmm...I wonder what would happened if I get something from her ;P

Live band playing there...acoustic guitars, bald man singing...saw a djembe there. So excited! Ah, how I itched. Saw a cute gal sitting on stool by the bar with her back facing us - saw the small butterfly tattoo on her left back shoulder and another tattoo on lower back right side...trying to figure out how big and what kinda tattoo's that. Band playing, I was watching the band and the drum and her. How I wish to hit and slap the skin. Ehem...the drum lah. Really! :P Aiyaa! Really lah, I mean the drum! The drummer couldn't slap, gee...I wished he did, the slapping sound ermmm...makes me excited. What?! Well, it sounds sex-y... ;P

Anyway, enough drinking. Sober enough for him to drive me home, sober enough for me to walk straight back to my apartment and back to my bedroom (and not J's room. choi!).

I passed out on my bed with my hair still wet from shower...

Psycho

2005-08-08T22:35:00.000-04:00

I was so mad when N called me, twice! when I was still sleeping. Gosh...I wondered what he wanted...at hoon (yeah, I'm sucha sleeping (babe) beauty, always waiting and hoping 'that' someone will kiss awake, yeah...all over til I 'explode' (whoa!) from the passion - my way of waking up, no snoozing, no annoying and monotonous alarm). I could have picked up the phone and @#$#$!&^% at him. Hem, hem... I could have picked up the phone in a very sexy sleeping voice (and make him excited, thinking...) and be nice. But I chose to ignore the call, chuck it under Patrick (the dog), swear under my breath, and went back to my sexy voice over passionate kissing with...hem, hem...a dream, okay? Oh, how sweet... Gee, got me excited already. Stop! Aiya!

He called again around 5pm, told me he's going to Sheppard Pratt - a mental hospital beside my Uni. He's gonna admit himself there, for about a week. Gee, what happened? "my brain's fucked up". Huh?! How...what...wait, he's been chanting alot (he told) and still he couldn't get over the stuff - depression? I'd really wanna know what's his prayer. He said everyone knew about the hospital, except me. Oh okay, nice of him to inform me... After all, I'm concern about him too, AND THE PERFORMANCE this Sunday! He's supposed to perform in a wind brass quartet at Baltimore Youth Fiesta/Festival/Cookout (organized by SGI-USA-Baltimore).

His call left me in guilt, somehow. I felt sorry for him... I couldn't possibly have driven him crazy, could I? I personally don't hink I'm the major cause/influence, but I dare not say I don't 'add' to his 'fucked-up-brain'. Look what I've done now... Urgh! I've been wanting to tell him I'm not interested and I just 'came out' from a...er...well, you know.

He called again, at night, from S.Pratt, telling me he's ok...but need to do some tests. How ok the not ok. Ironic-nya. Then he told me to spread the news to other members in our district - chant for him, visit him. Oh? How contradicting, didn't he say everybody knew, EXCEPT me?! I asked. He said no one knows, only me. Whoa... I nearly fell off my bed (hmm...what was I doing in bed, I forgot :P, oh yeah, reading lesbian book). Back to the story ;P, I hung up, thinking who shall I call to spread the news. Ok, I called Ms Love since she has known him for a very long time. She sounded casual (like a 'oh well...there he goes again' instead of a really concern and excited punctuated with a gasp). I asked. Then I knew, it's not his first time. I could sense that she's upset it happens again. Should we go visit him? I could also sense the reluctance. Never mind... If I go, it'll make his heart leap, do I wanna do that? What if he can't take the blow and drop dead just like that, eee!

It's Monday now. No phonecall. I hope he's still alive at S.Pratt.

What a day!

2005-08-03T23:28:00.000-04:00

SP is done, finally! No more screaming kids ;P. I was rather touched during the performance, not because (okay, maybe just a little) of the Session 3 kids but of how well and persevered and good (ehem... ;P) I handled these (whole 3 sessions) kids. Hehe. I read (perhaps heard of too) that we should seek joy/pleasure in whatever task(s) we're doing as though it's a training for our growth so it wouldn't be err...gruesome - it's gonna be worthy and self-satisfactory. In the end, the process should result a gain and instead of a loss. A gain in experience and learning (and money also lah :P).

Almost missed Beethoven's 9th Symphony Concert (performed by Baltimore Symphony Orchestra and Baltimore Choral Society) at Meyerhoff Hall downtown. You see, I was 'stuck' at Forest Hill until 6.15pm! N was already at my apartment, showered (he didn't have time to go homeo and shower, after work, you know) and waiting for me, while chatting with J. Urgh, kinda feel bad for my roomate. Anyway, I told J NOT to let him in my bedroom and hide my lesbian books away. Hey, he's kinda 'weird'.

Soooo, we're supposed to leave my apartment at 6.30pm - gonna park the car at his place and walk 20 mins to Meyerhoff. Argh! Come on, it's summer now and it's f-king hot outside and he'd like to walk all the way to the concert. We're gonna be sweaty and yucky and 'worked out' by the time we fucking get there! Right? That's not my plan/idea/desire to reach the hall at that state of being. We're gonna be hearing/watching/enjoying/witnessing the greatest symphony of all time. It would be inappropriate and disrespectful (oh yeah, think of having an appointment with a VVIP), right? He wouldn't f-king spent the parking money! Fine! Since I'd be late and I would really love to go for that symphony (instead of watching Koresh Dance performing at Maryland Arts Festival), I told told him I'd take care of the fucking parking fee. Besides, the concert ticket was free (for both of us) - his friend got him the tickets. So, at least I wouldn't have to burn a hole in my wallet ;P.

I got home at 6.55pm, only had enough time to wash my face, and fuck!, he used my towel! I was so mad. He got his own towel (I was sure, he told me he got everything needed for shower at my place). He didn't ask J or me if it's okay to use the towels in the bathroom! Gosh, even L doesn't...didn't use my towel. Ewww...his smell. Uuueeekkk! I had to re-wash my face and clean it with toilet paper! Who does he think he is? Am I paranoid? Tell me, if you're me how would you react? Well, I actually didn't yell and throw a tantrum at him, I just calmly said, "It's okay.", while I was boiling inside. $%^@#$%@#&#$%!

We got a good seat. High above, center. Wow...the hall is so grand and big. We got there just when they're playing the 1st piece. Phew! At least I've a bit of timie to settle down and prepare my mood for the highlight of the concert ;)

It's my first time going to Meyerhoff, also my first time experiencing the performance of 9th Symphony. How significant! I think I'd enjoy it more if N didn't lean toward me and try to enter my bubble :P

9th Symphony was superb. I was moved to tears :'( when the chorus and orchestra were playing Ode to Joy. It's like seeing/feeling a glimpse of light after darkness and despair and suffering. I was reflecting every note and phrase of it to my life - in a non-linear way. Great art could move you to tears. Likewise, great life (experience) could too - if it struck/touched you deeply.

Since I skipped dinner, I was starving after the concert. I was hoping to eat (and drink - like a celebration) at a cool restaurant/bar/pub with his friends (who were in the concert). I was hoping to meet new people. Since he couldn't get hold of his friends and being so boring and kiamsiap (he suggested tea at his place! I don't even wanna go there). Come on! I said I'd like to eat pizza, and he suggested 2 pizza places nearby - only carryout. Urgh! Before that, I was kinda 'hinting' Owl Bar, which is just around the corner. Is he that dungu? Huh, I completely lost my mood to stay out (with him) and told him to send me home. Urgh!

Honey Beef

2005-07-31T22:30:00.000-04:00

I just learned (saw how it's done), lemme share ;)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Make sure oil is hot enough.

Make sure you pat your beef dry to avoid screaming (you, not the beef :P) before you drop them into the hot oil.

Fry them for a while.

Boil your favorite vege (onion, carrot, broccoli, stringbean, snowpea...whatever you desire) to your desired softness (how you like it, hard or soft? ehem... :P).

Remove beef from frying and dump them in the boiling water along with the vege (aiyaa, you can have another pot of boiling water for the beef lah, but who wants to wash so many pots and pans anyway :P).

Make sure you heat up your (clean one, huh. duh) cooking pan/wok before dumping those vege and beef in.

Pour some cooking sherry in.

Try avoiding stuff 'escaping' your pan while you stir :P.

Pour some honey-mix-with-water-and-hoisin-sauce in (you can save some honey for other use(s)...imagine where and how you are gonna enjoy the honey :P).

Add a little bit of corn starch-mix-with-water (don't have? never mind, skip it).

Add a little bit of oil.

Stir and savour the aroma.

Add some salt if needed.

Try not to burn your food.

Dump your food in a nice plate - decorate if needed (the food, the dining table, you, the living room, the bedroom... eh, off topic :P).

Enjoy the honey, the beef, the rice (you know how to cook rice, huh?), the softness of the vege, the you, the her/him...

Mmmm...yummy ;P

Not me Not well...

2005-07-28T20:55:00.000-04:00

L got a surgery yesterday - 3 wisdom teeth removed. Err...thinking about it makes my knees weakened. Yeah, thinking of going to the dentist terrifies me! I can't imaigne that... Eww... Well, somehow I (really) admire L's courage and tolerence of all the pain.

Glad to know her mum's staying home (working) and talking care of her. I was worried (still am...). If I could, I'd like to be by her side and take care (making sure ice packs are changed, cooking porridge and grass jelly, tucking her in...etc) of her... *sigh* Yeah, I'd do that to my gf (with or without 'space in between'). I remember the warmth and love and care shown to me by my dormmates and roommates when I was sick (upm's dorm). Their actions made me cry (so touching...). So, I just want to share those feelings. It's great if everyone has compassion, don't you think so? ;)

My first time...

2005-07-27T18:49:00.000-04:00

Had my first experience driing on the other side of the road yesterday, ALONE! ;P I left his car for me - while he (and others) went to NYC. At first (then they told me I'd have the car to myself) I was kinda nervous. Hehe... Since I haven't been driving for a year. But then, the nervousness turned into rejoice (state). He has a '00 Chevy Cavalier, nice (black) car. As soon as I got in the car, I blasted the radio (to R & B and Hip Hip station, of course!) ;P Woohoo! Groovy... Hehe.

Stopped by White Marsh - Walmart, Superfresh before home. Damn hot yesterday, like around 100 degree! Went home, checked mailbox - my package's not here yet :( Ahhh...this was yesterday, but today, I got the package! ;)

Picked up A, dancing in my seat to the radio, told A it's my first time driving alone here (she looked kinda panic/alarmed, slightly..., looked at me weirdly - at my head-bobbing at 'just a lil bit' ;P). Went to Panda for dinner (thought of giving those folks a surprise, hehe). Shared a (big portion) of shrimp chowfun. Chatted...joked about going to visit L after dinner ;P Yea right...but that wouldn't be nice to put so much miles (although he said it's fine to run my errands with the car :P). Thought of going to harbor, makan angin. Hehe...but didn't :P. Went to liquor store, bought a bottle of chardonnay - must celebrate, okay! ;P

Got home, had great time watching 'the L word'...Ooo... so that's how lesbian couple make baby... ;) Wahhhh...

the L word

2005-07-26T22:59:00.000-04:00

Saw the pilot episode of 'the L word' last night. Fyi, it's a lesbian drama series. Love at first sight ;P (me lah). Oh my, Bette is so sexy and smart and pretty and EXOTIC! I love her style :). her (sex) scene with Tina is killing me! Wow...What a 'bad' drama series ;P

I heard (in that) someone said there's study that says you're a lesbian if your ring finger is longer than your index finger. If they're same length, you're a bisexual. Ehem...Ladies, check your fingers. And so now you know another pick-up line! ;) Haha.

You might wonder if I had 'some' yesterday (did you read the juicy poem?). ;P Hehe... Well, it's amazing how 'those' stuff does to your (I mean my) body. All I can say is I really enjoyed 'it', the L word and nice (and long...something I miss terribly) phone chat with L. Ah however, (I have an idea) I think the next time she speaks Spanish to me, I'll answer in Malay/Chinese. Something to add to the alienation (and exoticism)...For the fun of it ;P like experiencing different tongue(s). Ehem...like in language, ok? You are bad... ;)

Last night

2005-07-25T17:23:00.000-04:00

A relaxing and enjoyable moment after a hard long day at work
What a pleasure
So sweet
So juicy
Mmmm...

Soft and hard
Running my tongue all over you
Inner and outer
Teasing and licking
Sucking and biting
Feeling you with my lip and tongue
What a satisfaction
Tasting and savouring
your juices
All over my mouth
my fingers
Licking your juice off my lip
and fingers
Mmmm...

Could never get enough of you
Oooh, how sexy and sweet
Admiring the pink flesh
red flesh
Getting me excited
savouring you
Mmmm...

Gonna have you again
Tomorrow
Be nice and fresh
Wait for me...
Mmmm...

Oh yeah, I got some last night. At least one of you know it (of what I'm describing)... ;P haha! Anyway, I cuddled and slept. Had a dream...a romantic (prhaps a wild) one. I remember waking up a few times to thunderous (it might have been a very loud sigh/moan, haha) sound. Woke up feeling wet :P Got outside (have to drag myself off the bed - work lah), realized it rained. Oh yeah, wet outside, wet inside. Great... :P

yahoo! what's wrong with me?

2005-07-24T23:55:00.000-04:00

Don't know why so horny these days...(not unusual, hehe). wonder if melancholy and high libido go together. Anyway, studies prove (correct me if I'm wrong, read it years ago - being an avid magazines reader) that horniness makes you feel pretty, sexy, perky, glowy and WANT TO GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE. Also, hormones (endorphin, estrogen, progesterone?) would be released/dispersed... Oh yeah, I just heard that one of my best friends masturbated the other day (after I gave up encouraging sometime ago coz she would say no), for the first time in her entire life (she's older than me!). Yuhuuuuu! You go, girl! ;)

Back to my point. Hmmm...hormones - perhaps this explains why M behaved crudely around us. I was the only lady around. He (shamelessly) made the sex sound (you know, moaning and hard breathing) and thinking and talking about (butt) sex. Haha! Did I turned on by that (not butt sex but the sound)? No. However, I was...by the sound of C's (our SM) breathing and chuckling over the headset during Ragtime production. Why, huh. A gentler voice...perhaps :)

So, I was busy doing something (ehem) before Ragtime, and I was running late so I didn't make-up and dress up nicely ;P. Just a black T Shirt and pants because I feel fat (bloated). Skipped dinner (due to I was fat that day and no time to fix and eat :P). When I got to Stephens Hall (where Ragtime at), H told me it's C's birthday, and they (I supposed the people in the production) might go out and celebrate with her after the show. Damn! I should have have a better presentation (appearance)! Well, I almost missed that party coz I 'lost' my ride. But on the way walkking back to my place, I saw the Jokesters (S and M - theatre makeup professors at TU) and I got a ride with them. Ahh...it's at Owl Bar, at Belvedere Hotel, in Baltimore. I haven't been there before...

Got to the bar, cool... Love it :) Not too noisy (music), alot of people tchatting...drinking...nobody dancing...not very smoky. Oh yeah, lotsa pretty people to see ;) I was kinda taken aback to see no (ragtime) cast members there! There's only S (the ASM). And then, of course there's J, C's gf. What a lovely couple...both so pretty and smart :) We chatted, drank, sang bday song and eat her cake (ehem, the cake her grandma sent, it's a rum cake - yummy!!!).

Got home, made myself a vodka lime...blogged (I typed that long poem while feeling tipsy, while listening to some nude music, ehem...). Sang and recorded 'Dream a Little Dream'. Thought of MMS-ing it but couldn't - exceeding premitted kilobytes. Damn! So that recording still stays in my cellphone. Sounded so sexy (deep and hoarse voice). hahaha! And then what did I do...go straight to bed, I think ;P

Thought of going out to the mall and buy that cable (to transfer those big files from my phone to PC) and go buy some ginger (important ingredient for Chinese cuisine :P). But I didn't, spent too much time errr...doing something :P and then CY was online, bitching about the meeting she just had and expressing her 'deep' views on Buddhism. Bla bla bla. I checked my mailbox, shit! My lesbian books weren't there yet. So, I took time to shower and dressed up and put on some make-up :) looking fabulous in my leather-looking Levi's pants and half turtle neck black top. ;) Even C took another look at me before she entered the control booth! haha!

I could go to the cast party with everybody at Bateman's (restaurant/pub on campus). I could go to I's keg party. But I didn't... I called W and suggested that we go to Owl Bar together (he's never been there before and wanted to check it out). Check the gals out, u know. But I knew we would never get lucky because we would be looking like a couple! :P I had Long Island Tea. Gosh, didn't know it's gonna be sucha big glass and strong! Didn't taste like the one they make back home. By the time I finished the drink, I felt drunk already...but still could make it to the car. During the ride home, I fell asleep (luckily W didn't take me elsewhere, haha!). Back up a little bit...I was drinking out of frustration (of being treated like I was talking to a wall...of being rejected by stepping on certain boundary...of realizing how things will never be the same again). Before I got out the car, W (being sucha gentleman) gave me a hug and told me to feel better. What a friend :) (that always wanna get in the shower with me...but NEVER! :P) I got into my apartment, ran straight to the bathroom and threw up! Gee, the last time I threw up after drinking was...ermmm...3 years ago. Only 1 glass of Long Island Tea!!! And people say I'm an alcoholic, come on...if I am, I wouldn't throw up after just 1 drink!!! Felt terrible. But I'm healing...

Back to Before

2005-07-23T19:05:00.000-04:00

There was a time

Our happiness seemed neverending

I was so sure

The where we were heading was right.

Life was a road

So certain and straight and unbending

Our little road

With never a crossroad in sight.

Back in the days

When we sopke in civilized voices

Women in white

And sturdy young men at the oar.

Back in the days

When I let you make all my choices

We can never go back to before.

There was a time

My feet were so solidly planted

You'd sail away

While I turned my back to the sea.

I was content

A princess asleep and enchanted

If I had dreams

Then I let you dream them for me.

Back in the days

When everything seemed so much clearer

Women in white

Who knew what their lives held in store.

Where are they now

Those women who stared from the mirror?

We can never go back to before.

There are people out there

Unafraid of revealing

That they might have a feeling

Or they might have been wrong.

There are people out there

Unafraid to feel sorrow

Unafraid of tomorrow

Unafraid to be weak

Unafraid to be strong!

There was a time

When you were the person in motion

I was your wife

It never occurred to want more.

You were my sky

My moon and my stars and my ocean

We can never go back to before

We can never go back to before.

- Ragtime (the musical)

Travelling to 'adventurous' camp

2005-07-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

SP's current location is at Forest Hill. That's about 45 mins from Towson and 10 mins away from Pennsylvania! Every morning carpooling with I and M. Two 'crazy' but talented guys in our theatre department.

There are 23 kids (only!) in Session 3. I'm the counselor for the middle group again. 9 of them - 5 boys, 4 gals. Amazing, male outnumbers female (in theatre). Well, since it's just that many kids, chilling out ;P. Basically just hanging out with 'half blood prince' in classes, breaks...you know, whenever possible to read ;P. Occasionally taking my gaze off the book and look what's happening ;). You know, that potter book is not mine. It belongs to one of the kids and I only get to read it during the camp. Started on Monday, and finished the entire book on Friday! Hehe...you love my job, don't you ;P

On Monday til Thursday, we rode in I's car. It's a Chevy (sedan...forgot which model). On Friday, gosh...M drove, his jeep...hood down. I was sitting at the back, carefully balancing my Starbucks, hair all gone wild (I wished I had my once-ago-short hair) and tangled. Like riding those thing in themepark. If I didn't buckle up, I would have flung out off the jeep :P Exciting, huh! I didn't enjoy getting my hair all messed up but I really enjoyed the ride - especially when we get into the woods, by the countryside (kinda like). I could almost touched the trees. I could smell the nature, the greens, the water... Made me homesick (a little). With the pretty sight and smell and (deafening) sound, creative ideas popped into my mind for my upcoming performance project. I felt a surge of inspiration, hope, determination and courage. I thought of the talk I had with B the other night. I thought of my house back home and determine to help with the mortgage as soon as possible.

It's amazing...when you really appreciate/love/enjoy something, a door unlocks itself. You feel the immense power of being in-control. And you view things from another point of view.

Take a ride (with me)

2005-07-23T07:10:00.000-04:00

A journey

Theatre is life is theatre

Who am I

Exploration and discovery

not an easy feat

Know yourself

Know myself

The drama of life

Who would comprehend

the darkest and brightest moments

the colorful moments

vivid memories

A mold to who I am today

Accept or deny

is another question

Embrace and ignore

differences that exist between individuals

Astonished at my courage

my boldness

my self-control

my letting-go

my discovery

Is it a dream or reality

Moments spent on grasping

Moments spent on enjoying

Live moment by moment

Should we

Can you see the journey

Can you see the destination

Is it worth it

Time goes by

Dream goes by

How can you let it slip

How did you get to be here

What was the moment

Waking up

looking forward to someone

What a cheerful day

what a way to start your day

Did you ever look back

How did you get to be here

Words

to soothe

to slash

to console

to hurt

I'm sorry

Forgive me for the words said

forgive me for the words typed

forgive me for the words chosen

It's never ending

Things will never be the same again

Everything leads to you

a faint smell

a memory

your favourites

a color

an eye

a movement

a melody

a movement

Don't ask why

I'm questioning myself as well

How did we get to be here

Take a ride with me

take a detour with me

It hurts so deeply

No words to describe

the pain

the longing

the hope

Will there be a crossroad

Back in the days

where there were wonderful moments

We will never go back to before

there was a time

you were my sky

my earth

things will never be the same again

will it be?

..........

You were once a friend

then a gf

now a gf with a space in between

so distant

so complex

unfathomable relativity theory

Stuff they didn't teach in school

Stuff they didn't touch upon at home

How am I to understand

All left are feeling and conscience

Can you accept it

It started out like a song

there's melody

there's harmony

with major and minor influences

it's like nothing went wrong

perhaps

and while it's going along

we took for granted

things going

gone...

How do you connect two dots in space

a line

hundreds or perhaps thousands of dots

along the way

straight line

crooked line

points in between

before it reaches its destination

good things going between

happens for a reason

why should one grief

why should one feel hopeful

why should one feel remorseful

why should one feel a thousand emotions

What a journey

are you ready to take the ride (with me)?

dream a little dream of me...

2005-07-22T22:22:00.000-04:00

Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"

Birds singin' in the sycamore trees

Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

While i'm alone and blue as can be

Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but i linger on dear

Still craving your kiss

I'm longin' to linger till dawn dear

Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining up above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"

Birds singin' in the sycamore trees

Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me

Yes, dream a little dream of me

for the soul and understanding

2005-07-22T15:29:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention, I bought 3 L books from Amazon on Sunday night! Cheaper than buying from the bookstore :P

1) My Lover, My Friend : True-life Stories of Lesbian Romance Between Friends - Lindsey Elder

2) Best Lesbian Love Stories 2005 (Best Lesbian Love Stories) - Angela Brown

3) Wet : True Lesbian Sex Stories - Nicole Foster

Wow...never knew I'd be so interested (and excited and passionate) in this area/subject ;P. It's almost like a whole new world...a new fantastic (and intriguing and beautiful) point of view...

Eh, I'm not trying to break into that song. But yeah, she 'sang' (showed, introduced) the song to me... And now I'm 'flying' on the carpet, alone...blazing the unknown(s)...

Where theatre exercise could bring you...

2005-07-21T01:10:00.000-04:00

I was lying down on the floor with 50+ kids after lunch - relaxing theatre exercise. I didn't have to do it as a counselor, but I was too tired. So I took that chance to shut my eyes...lying on my back.

M was ocnducting. 'close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth'...'now, I want you to think of the place you most want to be...think of how it'd look like, taste like, feel like, sound like, smell like'...

After that exercise, one of my queens asked what my place was. I didn't know how to tell her, I didn't tell her...chose not to :)

Place I'd love to be - my place with L. (aiyoo...) Yeah, I remember the sight, sound, smell, taste and touch... A lovely place to be where it's only both of us in that world...

*sigh*

Eventful Sunday

2005-07-18T02:40:00.000-04:00

Went out with W after 'ragtime', to downtown. He was late, played online poker! Incorrigible! Went to Inner Harbor. Oh, how I missed the water, the sea! I was asking him if he already knew that I wanted to jump off and kill myself (after what had happened) ;P. He said yes and would even help me (suicide)! Haha!

It's hot and humid, not sunny. But I enjoyed the outing...seeing people (ehem...checking out). Had dinner overlooking the harbor...so nice! I was so hoping it's with L instead... :( I felt kinda hurt/miserable for a while, thinking of July 4 - L was here enjoying herself (I doubt she's 'killing' herself) with her friends WITHOUT even calling me. That's just...very mean...and hurting (to know that I'm...I wasn't as important and significant as she's to me). I tossed her out to the sea... I'm not being mean, it's just the feelings...

I'd be happy to embrace the waves when it rolls back at me... I'd be glad to be swept away by the waves again... *chuckles*

Went to ESPN and Barnes and Nobles. We're there at the bookstore til they chased us out. Haha! I spent some time at physics, sexual health (ehem, I don't have anything...any problem, okay? Was just checking out a sophisticatedly illustrated Kama Sutra), theatre arts and gay and lesbian sections. Oooh yeah, I was actually looking for the latter section ;P, and when I've finally found it, I was (almost) leaping with joy. Haha! Spent most time there, pouring over L books...getting excited (oohing and ahhing in that deserted row :P) reading steamy stuff but horrified at those butch and femme stff. Ewww... :P

On the way back to the car, we stopped by and watched a youth steel orchestra playing by the water, in front of Discovery Center. That drumset lady was incredible! They used lots of steel drums (tuned steel drums). That's it! Great music, great jamming :). They're 'killing me softly with their songs'.

I hope I could be with 'that' someone the next time I'm looking at Baltimore City over the water. Well...NYC would be great too! Haha ;)

(un)Eventful Saturday

2005-07-18T01:28:00.000-04:00

Thought of that...been looking forward for that since morning(s) but by the time I finally got to the place, I was too tired for that. Argh, am I getting that old that I'm just drained out? Nooooooo... Hmmm, perhaps it's food, and/or the summer heat :P

I experence my first blackout since I came here. Happened at noon, when I was working at Panda. Rain pouring heavily, lightning and thunder...then the electricity went off. It felt like 'war of the worlds' (if you've seen the movie). So weird... K calld me, told me this place was still outta electricity since 1pm and asked if we could hangout, at my place. It was his birthday 2 days ago. Oppsss... :P And so, although I was tired, I welcomed him to chill out with me. Had some beers, bla bla bla.

By the time my head touched the pillow, I was fast asleep... Glad my call time on Sunday was 1.30pm ;)

Golden Silver Penny

2005-07-16T01:45:00.000-04:00

Well, session 2 of Silver Penny Theatre Camp has just ended. Oh boy, time flies when one's busy! I shall never forget being as part of the SP team, working and guiding and controlling and having fun (with) the kids.

Session 1 - I was (the counselor) in charge of the 10-11 yrs old kids. The middle kids. We have 8-9 yrs old, middle and 12-14 yrs old. My group named themselves '9-3 Hyper Nobodies'. 9 girls, 3 boys. Damn hyper, half of them drink coffee! You can imagine :P And they're kinda outta control. Gosh, I don't know since when I've turned into a 'kid-loving'-person. Haha! I used to have no patience with kids. Had never taken the initiative to really talk and reason with one. I guess I thought myself as being one of them :P and furthermore, I grew up being a lone child (you could say so...). Kids are annoying - haha..I used to think (100%) so :P. I was bad...

Anyway, ever since K entered my life 7 years ago, my perspective toward baby/kid has changed. He's not just the joy and hope of my guardians but his presence somehow has brought positive influences - my tolerence and love toward kid(s) to another level. Wonderful, isn't it? ;)

Back to the camp...they're sucha handful and wild. Two of them were from a children's shelter home and they're kinda difficult to handle. You know, sometimes they came in feeling so moody/exhausting/sleepy. Urgh! I did one-on-one dialogue with them and it worked ;). Phew! Others (the gals) were loud and talkative. You know how high pitch (vocal) sound they produce... Ah, not to mention so much running around, playing chasing. Gosh, gave me headache! :P

Although the Nobodies were outta ocntrol but when I saw their rehearsed pieces, I felt so touched, 'swelled' and amazed. My eyes were glistening with tears... Ahhh...the impact, power and magic of theatre ;) It almost seemed like seeing my own kids performing!

'Yesterday is gone
See the pretty countryside
Merrily we roll along, roll along
Bursting with dreams...
Travelling's fun
Flashing by the countryside
Everybody merrily, merrily
Catching at dreams...
Rolling along...

Dreams don't die so keep an eye on your dream
Time goes by and hopes go dry but you still can try for your dream...'

- the opening song of our first session (theme was 'travels and travails').

Working with kids are fun, rewarding and wonderful although sometimes they're sucha pain in the butt. Sometimes I couldn't help being mean to them. Haha. One of my (leadership) traits - being mean. My friends back home would be surprise at how 'soft' I've became :P. Some kids told me (half jokingly) I was mean, haha. Good though, because everytime they said that, I checked/reflected on myself :)

There's a gal that reminded me of L. Her athletic way of moving, I could almost see L... You know, when they're playing kickball (soccer + dodgeball + baseball). One day, she came in dressing like Britney Spears, wow...what a pretty (and sexy and exotic-looking) 13-years-old. It's amazing how physically matured these 'ghost' kids are! Ahh...when I was her age, I was like a log :P

Since I was working hard controlling the hyper kids, TC put me in charge of the younger kids in Session 2. We thought they'd be easier to manage. Less hard time for me, I could 'breathe' a little ;P. However, the young kids in Session 2 were unlike the kids in Session 1. They're kinda wild too! 18 of them! Of course, not all of them were wild. I had 7 boys and 11 gals. After the first day, we agreed for the (counselor) switch. Glad B could do it, and was willing to do it. And so, I was relieved and be the 'queens'' counselor. I just love them! They're more discipline than others, and they didn't run around. Phew! Their attention and enthusiasm (to participate and learn and work together) should be well-praised. At the end of the session, just before the performance, we did some (impression) sharing. It was nice and touching. I miss them now... :'( I'll never forget the one performance we did together - 'Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now'. I played the piano, they acted, sang and danced.

What an experience!

calling

2005-07-15T01:51:00.000-04:00

J: Wei?
C: Wei!
J: How are you?
C: I miss you!
J: Yeah, me too.
C: When are you coming back?
J: I'll be home in like 4 days.
C: Really!? Wait, which home - here or home in pennsylvania?
J: The apartment (I just love when she and I refer our rented apartment as home... hehe. Made me feel I'm 'belonged').
C: Oh good! How long are you gonna be here before going back to Pennsylvania?
J: Like a couple of days.
C: So, which day exactly are you gonna arrive? I've to put on clothes by then. Haha!
J: You better.
C: Gosh, I've gotten so used to be (half) naked around the apartment. Can I still be naked when I sleep?
J: As long as you're in YOUR room.
C: Okay. Sure you won't come in my room?
J: Haha.
C: Make sure you don't jump on me in my bed! Haha.
J: Haha... Hey, is A's tv out in the living room?
C: Yes.
J: Where's my tv?
C: Oh, I dumped it down the trash chute.
J: What!? Tell me you didn't do that!
C: Haha! Yeah...
J: No, you didn't!
C: Haha...you believe me?
J: Tell me you didn't throw my tv down the chute!
C: Haha...nah...
J: You didn't, right?
C: What makes you think I'd throw the tv down the chute when I refused to throw that pumpkin we had there. You had to persuade me to do it! Haha.
J: I don't know.
C: You think I'm crazy? Haha, I'm crazy but not that crazy.
J: Tell me you didn't do it.
C: Haha. (I was having fun) It's in your room. You're so gullible... Hehe, see I learned that word from L (coz she always...well, USED TO make me feel gullible and she's bad BUT playful. I'll miss that).
J: Yeah, yeah... How's L?
C: She's fine. She's at home now.
J: Did you see her recently?
C: (recently means when? I didn't know how to answer her) ...no.
J: Why?
C: ...she didn't want to see me...?
J: Oh?
C: ...well...I can tell you that I'm now single and available. I'm waiting for you to come back so we can go out and pick up guys or girls.
J: Haha.
C: Yeah, I've to go out and meet people! Waiting for you to come back. Oh yeah, I can't wait to have that swimming (dipping) pool in our balcony!
J: Yeah, yeah. It's gonna be awesome.
C: Call me when you're on the road (it takes 3 days drive from Wyoming to Baltimore, Maryland).
J: Okay, I'll call you when it gets bored. I got to go...
C: Okay, bye.
J: Bye.

improving communication

2005-07-13T19:48:00.000-04:00

a dear friend sent this to me, i'd like to share it with you...

'Consistent, healthy communication is vital for your relationships. It's like the heart in the human body. It's easy to see why really - if you don't talk about your feelings, how will your partner know how you feel? And if your partner doesn't know, how can he or she react properly? There are some things to note for healthy communication though; some couples seem to communicate often but it doesn't help the relationship because they're just venting and not listening. Or they're presuming too much, or taking things too personally.

Start by learning to listen. Now, some people seem to do that, but what they're really doing is waiting for their chance to cut in and defend themselves. They often sit while the other person is talking, waiting for a space to jump into the conversation to defend their actions, explain themselves, or explode in anger.

What you should do is listen actively and emphatically to your partner. Watch the facial expressions, the body language. Learn to listen to more than just the words since we often can't express what we're really trying to say in words alone.

Also, don't assume that you understand what your partner is trying to say. Ask for clarification. Sometimes, it can seem as though your partner is being sarcastic or insulting, or making a cruel joke about you, but you're basically just being over-sensitive. If you're not sure, ask. Very often, you'll find that you were off the mark completely. And trust your partner's clarification. If you can't trust your partner, then the relationship is doomed anyway.

Also, words have different meanings for different people. Some people say "interesting" when they mean "I think it's awful but I don't want to hurt your feelings". Learn to remember how your partner uses certain words or tones and what he or she is trying to convey. Take the time to study what he or she means by saying certain things. This will make your sharing experience much more pleasant.

There are certain topics that may trigger a fight-or-flight reaction. Sometimes in sharing you might bring up topics or feelings that scare your partner and put them into a flight situation where they close-up and avoid sharing or it might be something that touches a painful memory and they get into a defensive mode. Being aware of these triggers helps you learn how to either carefully back off or gently probe for answers.

Yes, healthy communication is tough, but if you're serious about making your
relationship work, few things are more important.'

johnson and i

2005-07-12T20:14:00.000-04:00

after a sluggish and long monday, i made the determination to start afresh - be active and contributive to my environment/other people. i had a great day at camp - conducted improv games, a brief mask workshop and accompanied my 'queens' (the gals in my group named themselves 'the flying drama queens') in their performance 'mama, i'm a big girl'. ;)

what was it that i wanted to say... oh yeah, i remember in 'tuesdays with morrie' (the great book i had but lent it to my friend and now it's 'gone'), there's a chapter talking about dealing with relationship. to be precise, how to get over a relationship. morrie said something like...it's okay to grief and plunge into that depression state for a time period, to really FEEL the painful emotions of loss, AND THEN stand up and move on. yeah, to really feel the down moment, and then toss it aside (with the attitute 'it's so over, babe') and start anew. ;)

i'm taking morrie's great advice.

hhmmm...i'd say that i was kind of rejecting the confrontation/reality. of course, her actions seemed to justify the 'relationship' and i was ermmm...reluctant to let go. what was i doing? i wasn't being fair. i was kind of selfish (argh!). i'm really kicking myself over what's happened. she's right, i was thinking with my 'brain' ;P

i'm healing... last night, while watching the commercial of johnson & johnson's baby lotion (duh, not that i intended to JUST watch the commercials :P) i had the vision of her holding her baby, looking so beautiful, motherly, fortunate and happy. it warmed my heart, and i told myself, yes...let the image/vision be a reality. i'll be there to hold her and congratulate her and share her joy and happiness.

psssst, i'm using that johnson baby lotion now and i tell you - i've never feel so soft and sexy at the same time my entire life ;P well, i've never had the habit of applying lotion after shower back in malaysia, but now that i'm in a drier environment, i HAVE TO ;P

you go, johnson!

How can I let go...

2005-07-11T23:14:00.000-04:00

I woke up looking 'piggie-face' with such a swollen eyes that I couldn't opened it fully. Sucha 'beaten up' face. So sad, so gloomy, so 'spiritless'... Nevertheless, I had to go out and face the world (the kids and colleagues at theatre camp). I wished I could just stay home and zombie alone...

It's so painful to hear the words coming from her mouth. Made me felt hopeless and worthless, and I cried my heart out. Of course, most of the time it's more towards self-blaming - my poor karma. I felt (still feeling!) so fragile and shattered. Lucky to have the space to wept loudly without disturbing my roomate(s). But kinda sad not to have a shoulder to cry on. No one to tell me 'it's okay, let it out'...and give me a hug... :(

Don't know how long these remorseful feeling will last. As I was sitting at my job, and deleting the history (messages) of L, I could sense that I was making that action to 'erase' her from my memory. Ain't important anymore. Things will never be the same again.

I feel so rejected........ :`(

During 'Ragtime' Production...

2005-07-11T22:57:00.000-04:00

This is composed with my cellphone - copied and pasted here.

'As I'm sitting here, right on the very top of the house, beside my spotlight, waiting for the cue, waiting for the show to start...there's nothing to do except playing around with my cellphone, listening to the orchestra doing its last minute warm-up before the show, thinking and reminiscing about L. Thinking if I should message or call her, now or later and share my joy and agony and dilemma that I'm having now.

Having so many things dwelled insie me...all the things I want to share with her and...but would she listen? Would she be interested (still)?

Oh good, show's about to start. Ciao!'

studies

2005-07-11T22:51:00.000-04:00

As I applied for a part time student last semester, I really hoped/thought I'd make the cut in the MFA program. Yes, I made the first cut, went in for the interview with more confidence and composure compared to last year. My artistic statement/mission has changed too. And yet, it tore me apart when D told me the news.

This year, I was fortunate to have a shoulder to cry on, a pillar to hold on to, for support (faith) when I got the sada news. Last year, I was all by myself and it was different with W. I couldn't believe I got rejected again.

D suggested Hawaii. Do I want to go to Hawaii? I still ask that question myself. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, my prayer isn't answered (yet) but I'm sure whatever the present circumstance is, it's really for my own growth and benefit in the long run. Just like how it was...6/8 years ago.

Well, never let go my dream, never give up, never succumb to circumstances/environment.

MSC

2005-07-10T20:03:00.000-04:00

I was in MSC production last semester (spring). What a long and confusing title - The Persecution and Assassination of Jean Paul Marat as performed by the Inmates of Charenton under the direction of Marquis de Sade as performed by the Inmates of the Liberation Camp and Holding Facility. Whoaaaa...

I went to the early rehearsals (mostly discourses) with such a blur state of mind... And I was at a 'transition'/dilemma period - would I be able to stay here for the semester due to financial difficulties. And I was playing one of the musicians - there's no distinct character to study for based on the script.

Well, since it's a play within a play within a play, everything could be errr...ambiguous. :P Hence, I could be 'blur' on my part, BUT be sure of every music notes and cues ;P

Working with J was certainly a learning experience - from style of direction to her character. Mostly I was in rehearsals with C and I marvelled at his musical talent, passion and ability! Back to J - as compared to N, she's really very 'verbal'. Of course, every director has to throw questions to the actors about dramaturgy, character and script analysis, etc. But, it's just too much to grasp coz she tends to 'beat around the bush', you know...like asking questions and bringing so much other ideas/suggestions at the same time. I don't know, I just lost the main point(s) and then I'm in that 'vast' state of mind - with no strong points or revelation of my own. Ahh...I'm much like less-is-more kinda person ;)

C arranged the music to reggae, like funk it up, away from the original british/military style. The frequent rehearsal didn't bore me coz I took that opportunity to 'destress' and perfect my drumming technique :) gosh, i missed playing music with other musicians!

I really enjoyed last semester- the academic workload, hehe... Only 2 classes and sitting in the design class (with permission from T of course! how lucky). Boy, work much though. Had 4 part time jobs that a period of time. Working for Panda, Paws, TC and S. Saved some money for tuition (and still I had to borrow!) and expenses. What a semester - juggling all these theatre classes, projects and production and jobs.

See, although I was busy, but I still went for Gakkai meetings whenever possible - mostly kofu on Sundays. Phew! Being in MSC (about revolution and liberation of France, Charenton and Refugee Camp...duh :P) was revolutionary for me. How? :)

Never in my life I've taken so much responsibilities to stand on my own and balancing many events/circumstances IN one semester. It's colorful in a diferent way compared to the past 'canvases' (moments/fractions in life). Of course, the major one was confronting myself - when I met L...

revelation

2005-07-02T21:32:00.000-04:00

so many events had happened since my last blog. many people i met have come and gone (haiii...). anyway, i'll find some time to sit down and write each event and person.

came across something, and it really hits me. ;P hehehe...

"To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination."

-George Jean Nathan